she doesn't believe I want her

[AnonymousPoster]

salamu 'alaykum,

I found out from a close friend of a sister that she (the sister) has feelings for me. Her close friend told me about it saying you know I want what's best for my friend so I am telling you this so that maybe you will like her and you two can get married.

Ok, so to tell you, I believe I feel attracted to this sister. She wears that hijab and I think she is beautiful. So I tried approaching her. We were classmates,.so I sent her a few e-mails telling her I think she would make a great wife. But the response was a little disappointing........she said I don't think you will like me. Then I e-mailed her back telling her what she wants out of a man, and I gave her details on what I want.
I want a woman that I can be attracted to (that's important), a woman who would be good mother to my children, and would be a good friend to me.
But then again as she was telling me what she wants out of a man, she once again mentionned are you sure you are talking to the right person, maybe you think I'm somebody else in the class we had together, and concludes with I don't think you will like me.

Ok maybe I'm a bit blind here because I find her attractive, but I sense that maybe it's low self-esteem or something.
Dear brothers and sisters, how do I tell this sister that I genuinely want her?
Maybe the best way for her to find out would be when I kiss her on the ear in bed and utter the words I love you, you are so beautiful. But as you know, in Islam we cannot touch each other before marriage.
I know that maybe with some women they need the man to make love to them to be fully convinced that he is really attracted to her, but that's impossible before marriage.

One last thing, I want to tell her that most women by nature are beautiful. You know it's all about how you do your hair, the colour and quality of clothing you wear, etc, But I don't know how much she will believe me.

 

[Mikayeel]

Bump

 

[AntiKarateKid]

Approach her through her parents. It takes courage and conviction to do that. And it's the proper Islamic way.

Besides, if you didnt want her and you were approaching her through her parents... well.... you'd better watch out because her parents will probably hunt you down.

 

[Danah]

Approach her through her parents. It takes courage and conviction to do that. And it's the proper Islamic way.

Besides, if you didnt want her and you were approaching her through her parents... well.... you'd better watch out because her parents will probably hunt you down.

^ agree

and for you to go to her parent after make sure that you have 100% made the decision to marry her, that will make her sure that you really want her and you are 100% serious.
Because there is no way that you will approach her from her parent if you are just playing or not sure about your decision

May Allah grant you a good wife

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

ha, i nearly choked on my water when i read the "kiss her on her ear" etc
are you nuts? the girl wears a hijab, she isnt going to want to marry you if you try and do that to her before you two are married
i would lose all respect for you! i would run for the hills, because a man who does that before marriage, is not a man of integrity

do the right thing, approach her parents...that takes courage and respect, when you make that move, she will be more convinced, as time goes on, she will be more and more convinced
she may have low self esteem
or she may just be a step ahead of you and wanting you to prove yourself before you says Yes to you, because true muslim girls dont say Yes to just anybody, you must prove to her that you want her

words are meaningless
actions speak your true intentions for you

 

[Sampharo]

ha, i nearly choked on my water when i read the "kiss her on her ear" etc
are you nuts?

The brother said "in bed", he's obviously talking about when they're married.

AnonymousGender, your feelings of adoration seem genuine and healthy, you need to guard your gaze though you seem to have taken a few too many good looks. Anyway, you sound like you're just not very aware of how women feel.

You NEVER tell a woman that ALL or MOST women are beautiful!! You might as well tell her how unspecial she should feel. Look, you've got good intentions, but no experience obviously which is good for a young muslim. I would just say go ahead and ask her hand in marriage from her parents. She just seems shy and self-oblivient to her good points.

Good luck and may God complete it with happiness for you both

 

[- IqRa -]

Brother, your feelings seem genuine. Perform Istikharah and then approach her wali, I think that is the best way InshaAllah.

And Allah and His Messenger Know best.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i think you should approach her wali and speak about whatever you/her are worried about through that medium...thats what they are there for.

Approach her through her parents. It takes courage and conviction to do that. And it's the proper Islamic way.

Besides, if you didnt want her and you were approaching her through her parents... well.... you'd better watch out because her parents will probably hunt you down.

agreed...

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Thank you for the tips brothers and sisters. I will tell her I want to meet her father. I will be nervous obviously.

I couldn't resist to comment on AlbanianMuslim's comments. JazakAllah khair Sampharo for making the correct assumption about me.
AlbanianMuslim you know if I wanted to commit zina I wouldn't come to an islamic discussion board and seek advice, would I? Where are your brain cells seriously?
To assume that a muslim would commit a sin is thinking ill of them, which is a disgrace. It doesn't befit a muslim to think that way. It's plain ugly and I hope you take this chance to improve your personality, and maybe mature up.

In any case, I appreciate all the tips from everybody else.

 

[AlbanianMuslim]

Thank you for the tips brothers and sisters. I will tell her I want to meet her father. I will be nervous obviously.

I couldn't resist to comment on AlbanianMuslim's comments. JazakAllah khair Sampharo for making the correct assumption about me.
AlbanianMuslim you know if I wanted to commit zina I wouldn't come to an islamic discussion board and seek advice, would I? Where are your brain cells seriously?
To assume that a muslim would commit a sin is thinking ill of them, which is a disgrace. It doesn't befit a muslim to think that way. It's plain ugly and I hope you take this chance to improve your personality, and maybe mature up.

Look whose talking. Dont point a finger when there are 3 pointing right back at you Brother.
What you wrote was inappropriate, even thinking about that is inappropriate.
If you dont like someone pointing that out, dont dish it out.

 

[Sunni Ninja]

most of the advice given is what i was going to say :-[...
it would prove to the sister that you are interested in her when you speak to her father.. lots of courage is needed but inshAllah it will be ok

if your not too sure which i dont think is the case the best thing to do is perform salat ul istehara.. that would be very beneficial.. :thumbs_up

 

[Ansariyah]

wow u seriously need to get married InshaALlah. Drop the whole I like u, I want u, u need to ask her to marry u ...InshaAllah she'll accept it.--)

Look whose talking. Dont point a finger when there are 3 pointing right back at you Brother.
What you wrote was inappropriate, even thinking about that is inappropriate.
If you dont like someone pointing that out, dont dish it out.

That bits funny! lol

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Look whose talking. Dont point a finger when there are 3 pointing right back at you Brother.
What you wrote was inappropriate, even thinking about that is inappropriate.
If you dont like someone pointing that out, dont dish it out.

I agree...

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Look whose talking. Dont point a finger when there are 3 pointing right back at you Brother.
What you wrote was inappropriate, even thinking about that is inappropriate.
If you dont like someone pointing that out, dont dish it out.

Personally, I think there is much to be said about husn ad-dhan...

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Look whose talking. Dont point a finger when there are 3 pointing right back at you Brother.
What you wrote was inappropriate, even thinking about that is inappropriate.
If you dont like someone pointing that out, dont dish it out.

i agree with anon...there was nothing to suggest that he was thinking of zinaa...considering he came here seeking advice on marriage, what has zinaa got to do with it?

 

[- IqRa -]

AlbanianMuslim, please, sort your head out. What did he say wrong? He didn't say he wanted to get a ......... done or something did he?

Maybe the best way for her to find out would be when I kiss her on the ear in bed and utter the words I love you, you are so beautiful.

The brother is just saying how he would express his love after marriage to the sister, if that happens, and only then will the sister understand how much he loves her. I really don't think there is anything wrong with what the brother said, and please stop making silly comments. Thank you.

 

[crayon]

Whatever was said and whatever was understood, let's all get over it and move on, eh? 70 excuses all around, help yourselves.

Brother, just go to her wali, and take it from there. If it's a yes, then great, if not, move on with your life. Simple as that.

 

[Sahabiyaat]

She likes you so much, that she cant believe you like her back .and that is really good. mutual attraction is the ultimate sign to take the next step. just cut down on the emails and say whats necessary.make sure you dont fall into haram like flirting through emails, because if it doesnt happen then it will be pretty uncomfortable for you and her. Just keep this in account when speaking to her, for the strict purpose of marriage, which is ofcourse what you intend.

I say go for it

 

[Layla454]

Approach her wali brother and take things from there.

 

[anonymous]

You've all addressed the fact that he should approach the wali (agreed?) , but the issue about the sister and her low self esteem is one that should not be ignored.

This advice should be acted upon after marriage, if you show her affection that is un-Islamic beforehand it could lead to your downfall.

However, insha'Allah when you do get married, treat her like she is a queen, convincing her in a loving way that her beauty was created by none other than Allah. And did not Allah create humans in the best form? Do not get impatient, as most women do feel insecure, and even more when a man is involved.

This world is becoming more and more vain and shallow, and women in turn (and some men ) are becoming vulnerable to this.