she doesn't believe I want her

[AnonymousPoster]

I hope I meet each of you in Jannah.
I was reading the replies today and couldn't help but smile.
I am honoured to have been given advice by stranger brothers and sisters.
By stranger I mean those that don't know me in person. It's so great.
I will think about this situation more carefully.
I have asked her to ask Allah ta'ala that if I am the right person for her
that He guides her toward me, then follow her heart. If the response is
negative then all praise be to Allah, I will wait for another person.
If the response is positive then I will approach her father, insha'Allah.

 

[crayon]

^MashaAllah, good luck brother, may Allah make things easy for you. InshaAllah whatever is best will happen.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Ok bad news. I need your thoughts on this. Maybe I just don't get it.

So I told her to make istikhara, and since she wears the hijab I told her that
I will need to see what she looks like without the head scarf. I told her
it would be up to her how that's done, whether it's her sending me a picture, or having me meet her parents and she could do that at that time.

She replied by saying I don't think it will work out and that she cannot allow me to see her without the head scarf. She said she will only do that with a man once she is married to him as husband and wife.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't ask to see her in a skirt or something like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to see the hair of the woman you might marry. imsadimsad
Obviously I give up now. Allah is most generous. It's a difficult moment for me, but oh well they say time heals everything. sigh

 

[Bub]

Ok you make her feel uncomfortable and i would feel the same if i was in her shoe so if you really likes her very much you shouldnt give up! You should not asked her to take her habjj off for you.

 

[Sahabiyaat]

mmmm..brother i dnt think u can ask her to remove her hijaab, she is just a potential, not ur wife yet.

 

[Abdul Fattah]

Selam aleykum
You did istakhara right? So that means you asked that if marrying her would be good for you that it be so? So, how can you then, after making that dua still reject her based on not being able to see her hair? If you make istakhara, and everything goes well, then this shouldn't be a reason to stop. And Allah subhana wa t'ala knows best.

 

[crayon]

Obviously I give up now. Allah is most generous. It's a difficult moment for me, but oh well they say time heals everything. sigh

Brother, if you're ready to give up over something as tiny as this, then maybe you're not ready to be married yet?

Yes, knowing whether you're attracted to her or not is important, but I'm pretty sure you can tell the general idea without having to see her hair, can you not?

If you really want to be with this girl you'll move past this small obstacle and continue what you started, if not just say goodbye to her and end it.

-correction

 

[MSalman]

as-salamu 'alaykum

please don't misunderstand me but a sincere concern and advice:

1 - brother, what you are doing is completely wrong. You are not suppose to send private emails to sisters and purpose them. This is a great fitnah which we try to overlook and consider it small. It is amazing that many of us come out as practicing Muslims but fall into this trap of shaytan and may Allah Ta'ala save us all, ameen. Please brother use the valid means to complete half of your imaan.

2 - You think you will get any help from your Lord by following the way of shaytan? The result of istikhara will be pretty much what your conscious want and not guidance from Allah.

3 - Limits of looking at one's fiancée and the ruling on touching her and being alone with her. Is her permission a condition of being allowed to look at her?

 

[Bub]

^ agreed

 

[Intisar]

Ok bad news. I need your thoughts on this. Maybe I just don't get it.

So I told her to make istikhara, and since she wears the hijab I told her that
I will need to see what she looks like without the head scarf. I told her
it would be up to her how that's done, whether it's her sending me a picture, or having me meet her parents and she could do that at that time.

She replied by saying I don't think it will work out and that she cannot allow me to see her without the head scarf. She said she will only do that with a man once she is married to him as husband and wife.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't ask to see her in a skirt or something like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to see the hair of the woman you might marry. imsadimsad
Obviously I give up now. Allah is most generous. It's a difficult moment for me, but oh well they say time heals everything. sigh

Akhee, she's right, you can't see her hair.

Maybe if she was a niqaabi and you had asked her to show you her face, it'd be a different story, but you can't request that she shows you her hair.

Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “If he wants to marry a woman, he is not allowed to see her without a headcover. He may look at her face and hands when she is covered, with or without her permission. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘… and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent…’ [al-Noor 24:31]. He said: ‘The face and hands.’” (al-Haawi al-Kabeer, 9/34).

For more read: http://islamqa.com/en/ref/2572/

 

[Al-Zaara]

You sound young and immature. The first post already indicated too much focus on looks and then you think it's nothing wrong to see her hair although she wears the hijab. No one cares what you think, it's haram. You are not one of her mahrams.

You seem to ignore the (way) more important details. Will you be able to support her? Do her parents (and your) even know about your tries? I've seen this over and over again, youngsters try to play marriage-makers. The results are rarely good.

InshaAllah you'll leave this be, or get more serious in your tries by thinking through your motives, needs and possibilities and getting parents involved. All halal inshaAllah.

 

[- IqRa -]

You want to see her hair before marriage? If someone requested that about my sister I'd slap them straight up.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

salam,
I took some time off to reply because I didn't like some of the responses I received, such as saying I am immature (by the way that was coming from an 18 year old....way too young to give advice on marriage).

I did not know seeing a woman's hair for purpose of marriage is not allowed.
I know islamqa.com says is it not, but that is the same website that says women have to cover their face in public, which I don't agree with, and neither do the majority of scholars.

In any case, my point of seeing the hair is you know marriage is a big commitment. Once you agree to marry a person there is no turning back.
When you get someone telling you I don't think you will like me it kind of scares you, doesn't it? I am just a little scared that maybe she has some defect that she knows about that I don't. You get what I mean?
It would be better to know about stuff like that now. I am not saying maybe she has a defect but I'm saying that who knows in this day and age. Anything is possible.

The other thing I want to say is, T.I.A said he would slap the guy who asks to see his sister's hair. I am wondering how many of you got married without EVER seeing their wife's hair before marriage?
I am curious as to how that went. It's not that I'm a shallow person. I don't think I am a shallow person at all. It's natural to wanting to feel attracted to the person you will spend the rest your life with before making such a big commitment.

So please, I want to hear from brothers or sisters who met their soulmate without EVER seeing their hair. Perhaps that could help me down the road.

JazakAllahu khairan.

 

[Intisar]

I did not know seeing a woman's hair for purpose of marriage is not allowed.
I know islamqa.com says is it not, but that is the same website that says women have to cover their face in public, which I don't agree with, and neither do the majority of scholars.

Well generally, it isn't a requirement to cover your face so if the sheikh that runs that website follows the opinion that it is, then there's nothing wrong with that.

But it is clear that the hair is 'awrah, and it is not to be seen by non-mahram men. There's no dispute/difference of opinion on that.

I am wondering how many of you got married without EVER seeing their wife's hair before marriage?
I am curious as to how that went. It's not that I'm a shallow person. I don't think I am a shallow person at all. It's natural to wanting to feel attracted to the person you will spend the rest your life with before making such a big commitment.

So please, I want to hear from brothers or sisters who met their soulmate without EVER seeing their hair. Perhaps that could help me down the road.

JazakAllahu khairan.

I did. And I personally would have felt insulted if I was asked to show my hair.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

In any case, my point of seeing the hair is you know marriage is a big commitment. Once you agree to marry a person there is no turning back.

true, but you still have other things to take into consideration that will affect your marriage.

When you get someone telling you I don't think you will like me it kind of scares you, doesn't it?

no, it could be low self-esteem...sometimes we think ourselves as something, whereas the reality could be something completely different. alot of people are like that and they only get out of their little shells when there others to help them boost their self esteem by complimenting them, for eg...

I am just a little scared that maybe she has some defect that she knows about that I don't. You get what I mean?

put the trust that she will tell you if she had anything wrong with her.

It would be better to know about stuff like that now. I am not saying maybe she has a defect but I'm saying that who knows in this day and age.

what a ridiculous and degrading thing to say about a potential! you go into these things TRUSTING that person, until and unless there is SOLID bases to suggest otherwise.

Anything is possible.

if you don't trust her now then maybe you should just leave it? you're way too suspicious.

The other thing I want to say is, T.I.A said he would slap the guy who asks to see his sister's hair. I am wondering how many of you got married without EVER seeing their wife's hair before marriage?

sooooo many.

It's natural to wanting to feel attracted to the person you will spend the rest your life with before making such a big commitment.

true, but i personally strongly believe that the face is more than enough to determine whether or not one would be attractive.

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

(by the way that was coming from an 18 year old....way too young to give advice on marriage).

Interesting. I had no idea it was part of Islam to discriminate based on age! Or is it that age became a factor because it was an opposing view. I know of many 17 - 18 year old girls who are mature enough and are married alhamdulillah, so if it's a good age to be married, it's quite the okay age to be giving advice.

Anyway, if a guy asked to see my hair, I'd tell my dad to send the dude on his way and go look for a non hijaabi girl. You want the character and the deen, but you want her to compromise her character and deen for you. What makes you so special? I fail to see the logic, if your aim was to in fact be logical. :-\

When you get someone telling you I don't think you will like me it kind of scares you, doesn't it? I am just a little scared that maybe she has some defect that she knows about that I don't. You get what I mean?

Perhaps there is a defect in you which she doesn't about either and she's gonna take that risk too, aye? Seeing her hair doesn't mean you'll know about a defect. It just means you'll know the color and length of her hair, quite simple!

She has a lot to be insecure for, without having a "defect!" What if after you see her hair and talk to her more, you decide hey I'm not so into you anymore? What if you'll get engaged and something comes up and the engagement breaks? There's a possibilities which she has every right to be nervous for. Moreover, judging from the fact that you're so hung up on looks more than the things which make up a deep and meaningful relationship, I fully understand her reason to be insecure.

Btw, are you aware of the opinions of the four imaams regarding niqaab?

May Allah you and the girl with that which best for you both and may grant you both protection from harm and pain. Ameen.

 

[Ansariyah]

salam,
I took some time off to reply because I didn't like some of the responses I received, such as saying I am immature (by the way that was coming from an 18 year old....way too young to give advice on marriage).

I did not know seeing a woman's hair for purpose of marriage is not allowed.
I know islamqa.com says is it not, but that is the same website that says women have to cover their face in public, which I don't agree with, and neither do the majority of scholars.

In any case, my point of seeing the hair is you know marriage is a big commitment. Once you agree to marry a person there is no turning back.
When you get someone telling you I don't think you will like me it kind of scares you, doesn't it? I am just a little scared that maybe she has some defect that she knows about that I don't. You get what I mean?
It would be better to know about stuff like that now. I am not saying maybe she has a defect but I'm saying that who knows in this day and age. Anything is possible.

The other thing I want to say is, T.I.A said he would slap the guy who asks to see his sister's hair. I am wondering how many of you got married without EVER seeing their wife's hair before marriage?
I am curious as to how that went. It's not that I'm a shallow person. I don't think I am a shallow person at all. It's natural to wanting to feel attracted to the person you will spend the rest your life with before making such a big commitment.

So please, I want to hear from brothers or sisters who met their soulmate without EVER seeing their hair. Perhaps that could help me down the road.

JazakAllahu khairan.

u are allowed to look at her wen ur asking for her hand, but not her hair. Can't u tell if u are attracted to her wit her hijab on? It's perfectly alright to have a preference but is urs to do wit hair? U can't see her hair, she's not ur wife. Sabr?

Wat about ur defects tho....? How wud u feel is she asked to see u topless?

Girls have awrah (hair is one of them), so u are basically asking her to show u her awrah...Whrs ur gheerah?! She's a Muslimah, don't ask her to disobey Allah for ur impatience.

 

[maryam87]

I personally dont know why everyones against the brother he is only asking for advice!

I can possibly understand why you want to see how she looks without the hijab. But you do have to understand its not possible for every brother who comes along and sees a girl she takes the hijab off so that he can make sure there is no defects. Its obviously not logical +o(

The way this goes is that you get your mother to go over the sisters house when the sisters mother is there, and have like a cup of tea hence the sister wouldnt need to wear her hijab and your mother can make the judgement rather a non-mahram.

Hope that helps:thumbs_up
Best of luck

 

[Ali_008]

^^ Well, the sister's advice sounds really good. And to give something from the brother's side, I think man you're very fortunate to have found and fallen in love with a girl who is so pious. Every man would wish for a wife who is so devout and Consequently, her devotion will also be evident in her duties as a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law, a sister-in-law and an ideal for the family.
And this desire of seeing her hair might be a waswaas of the shaytaan. Today you want to see her hair, tomorrow it'll be her hands, the day after it'll switch to her legs and this will go on until finally she starts believing that you're not the one for her and she'll be gone. Trust me, you wouldn't want that to happen, would you? If you're so scared about some defect then take sister maryam87's advice or ask her directly whether there's anything she's hiding from you and don't get surprised if she asks that question back to you. Be honest and you'll get an honest reply, Inshallah.
May Allah bless both of you and this potential marriage

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

The way this goes is that you get your mother to go over the sisters house when the sisters mother is there, and have like a cup of tea hence the sister wouldnt need to wear her hijab and your mother can make the judgement rather a non-mahram.

i have NEVER understood why his mother/sisters have to see whether the girl is attractive or not...i dont get why she has to be attractive in thier eyes its not like they're the ones marrying her!!!