tangled marriage mess - help!

[seekingsolace]

I am a relatively new American revert (about 3 months now) living in the US. I have been a widow for four years, and have a young son.

I was introduced to an Iraqi man who is here as a graduate student and who was looking for a wife. We seemed very compatible (similar goals, education levels, and most importantly devotion practicing Islam), and we were soon engaged to be married. My son has met him, and they love each other. He was to accompany me over the winter break to meet my parents before the wedding in January. We have developed a very strong affection for each other and it seems like a perfect match.

He had told me that he had been married in Iraq, and had a young daughter there. He misses his daughter terribly. His wife had refused to come to the US and so he decided to divorce her. Since he had to leave quickly for school, he gave the papers to his mother to finish the divorce. That was a year ago. He has since applied for asylum in the US.

Last week, he gets an email from his attorney in Iraq saying "Congratulations! Your wife and daughter have been approved for refugee visas to the US, and they will arrive there in 30 days." He called his mother, who had decided on her own not to finish their divorce and pressure his wife to come to the US instead (his wife is his mother's sister's daughter). He told her about me, and she was so angry with him and screaming so loudly he had to hang up the phone.

We both care very much for each other, and we are both heartbroken. He doesn't feel he can tell his wife not to come because 1) his mother would never forgive him and 2) he would finally be with his daughter again.

He has not even spoken to his wife since he found out. From what he tells me they have a cold relationship. He is hoping that when she gets here, she will hate the US and want to go home. If she does, he is going to file for divorce here, which would mean he would keep custody of his daughter.

In the meantime, he wants me to become his second wife before she gets here. However, he doesn't want to tell either his wife or mother about me if we do marry. It would not be a official marriage in the eyes of the government either. I don't know much about how that works, given that multiple wives are not a part of our culture (and technically illegal here).

He knows that he will not be able to spend equal time with me especially at first. Because he is a student with no job (and cant get one with a J-1 visa), he will have trouble just supporting his current wife and child. They will have to be on public assistance until he graduates. Fortunately, I make very good money as a healthcare professional, and can support myself. Still, he is hoping that I will agree since he sees it as the only way we can be together. He says he hopes she will want to leave, and then I can be his only wife once he has his daughter.

Needless to say, my American Christian family would be outraged if I became a second wife. I still have not figured out how I would handle *that.* (I'm still worried about how they will react when I get off the plane in hijab next month as I have waited to tell them in person...)

While I hate what has happened to us, I feel even more badly for his wife. She has no idea he was engaged to another woman, much less that he wants to have me as a second wife. She has no idea that he has such little income, and what financial problems they will have. She has never lived outside of Iraq, and doesnt have any idea what kind of things she might face here (for example, we live in a rural midwest town where the closest halal meat shop is an hour and a half away...and he doesn't own a car). She doesn't know that if she wants to go home he will keep her daughter (no US court will allow a mother to take a child on refugee status back to the home country...he will get custody with no problems). She doesn't speak much English, and there are very few Arabic speakers in our rural town. I feel I must be compassionate towards her and consider her in this decision too.

So I need some advice please....

1) Should I even consider becoming his second wife knowing that I will not be treated equally, that his current wife will not know, and that I will not be acknowledged before his family and tribe?

2) If I did marry him, would it be right for her not to know? I feel that she should know, but again not being familiar with polygyny I dont know what the rules of etiquette are.

3) It is right to marry without the blessing of one's parents? I know his mother would never get over this because of her relation to his wife, because I am an American, and because he would have defied her by marrying me. My parents would never bless our marriage if they found out he was also married to someone else. I would be forced to be dishonest with them.

Please help me find the right path through this tangled mess!!!

 

[Dagless]

1) If you will not be treated equally he has no place even asking you to be his second wife. From the sound of things he will have enough trouble supporting 1 wife and child.

2) Not only must she know, she must be happy with, and accept, the arrangement.

3) I'll leave someone else to answer this.

Love sucks huh?

If he started the divorce then his wife should have some idea that things are not great between them. I would tell you to back off and let him be with his family since he has more to lose if he loses them than if he loses you. Unfortunately it sounds like you guys are in love and in such cases logic goes out the window.

He needs to sit down with her and make a choice. Please don't put your hope in her not liking the US. I know the US has its problems, but come on... would anyone want to go back to Iraq right now?! The US would be a better place to bring up a child.

Try not to worry since this is his choice to make. You've made your feelings and commitment clear, and that's all you can do. Relax and pray for the best... whatever that may be.

 

[AlHoda]

Me dear sister, in such times the only person you can go to is Allah (swt). I am only 17 ,and I have no idea how to solve such acomplicated problem. May Allah (swt) help you.

:wa:

 

[cat eyes]

well sister id have no problem marrying him if he had a good income you know what i mean. marriage is not about spending time in the bed you have to think about if you had kids with this guy tomorrow how would he be able to support all of you and he don't even have residence in the us

the second thing is he'd really have to let his wife know because thats not right sis. i would not like that id be even angry if he mentioned to me that he won't tell his other wife, id dump him straight away. also i have never heard that a man needs to ask permission to marry another woman i have never heard of this thing before so if people could produce hadith evidence it would be helpful but if i were you id want that the wife should know.

the third thing and the most important is that he'd have to be practicing the deen thats the most important thing for me and he have to have more knowledge then myself so he can influence me also and help me grow as i am also a revert myself.

hope i helped :wa:

 

[mariyyah]

I am a relatively new American revert (about 3 months now) living in the US. I have been a widow for four years, and have a young son.

I was introduced to an Iraqi man who is here as a graduate student and who was looking for a wife. We seemed very compatible (similar goals, education levels, and most importantly devotion practicing Islam), and we were soon engaged to be married. My son has met him, and they love each other. He was to accompany me over the winter break to meet my parents before the wedding in January. We have developed a very strong affection for each other and it seems like a perfect match.

He had told me that he had been married in Iraq, and had a young daughter there. He misses his daughter terribly. His wife had refused to come to the US and so he decided to divorce her. Since he had to leave quickly for school, he gave the papers to his mother to finish the divorce. That was a year ago. He has since applied for asylum in the US.

Last week, he gets an email from his attorney in Iraq saying "Congratulations! Your wife and daughter have been approved for refugee visas to the US, and they will arrive there in 30 days." He called his mother, who had decided on her own not to finish their divorce and pressure his wife to come to the US instead (his wife is his mother's sister's daughter). He told her about me, and she was so angry with him and screaming so loudly he had to hang up the phone.

We both care very much for each other, and we are both heartbroken. He doesn't feel he can tell his wife not to come because 1) his mother would never forgive him and 2) he would finally be with his daughter again.

He has not even spoken to his wife since he found out. From what he tells me they have a cold relationship. He is hoping that when she gets here, she will hate the US and want to go home. If she does, he is going to file for divorce here, which would mean he would keep custody of his daughter.

In the meantime, he wants me to become his second wife before she gets here. However, he doesn't want to tell either his wife or mother about me if we do marry. It would not be a official marriage in the eyes of the government either. I don't know much about how that works, given that multiple wives are not a part of our culture (and technically illegal here).

He knows that he will not be able to spend equal time with me especially at first. Because he is a student with no job (and cant get one with a J-1 visa), he will have trouble just supporting his current wife and child. They will have to be on public assistance until he graduates. Fortunately, I make very good money as a healthcare professional, and can support myself. Still, he is hoping that I will agree since he sees it as the only way we can be together. He says he hopes she will want to leave, and then I can be his only wife once he has his daughter.

Needless to say, my American Christian family would be outraged if I became a second wife. I still have not figured out how I would handle *that.* (I'm still worried about how they will react when I get off the plane in hijab next month as I have waited to tell them in person...)

While I hate what has happened to us, I feel even more badly for his wife. She has no idea he was engaged to another woman, much less that he wants to have me as a second wife. She has no idea that he has such little income, and what financial problems they will have. She has never lived outside of Iraq, and doesnt have any idea what kind of things she might face here (for example, we live in a rural midwest town where the closest halal meat shop is an hour and a half away...and he doesn't own a car). She doesn't know that if she wants to go home he will keep her daughter (no US court will allow a mother to take a child on refugee status back to the home country...he will get custody with no problems). She doesn't speak much English, and there are very few Arabic speakers in our rural town. I feel I must be compassionate towards her and consider her in this decision too.

So I need some advice please....

1) Should I even consider becoming his second wife knowing that I will not be treated equally, that his current wife will not know, and that I will not be acknowledged before his family and tribe?

2) If I did marry him, would it be right for her not to know? I feel that she should know, but again not being familiar with polygyny I dont know what the rules of etiquette are.

3) It is right to marry without the blessing of one's parents? I know his mother would never get over this because of her relation to his wife, because I am an American, and because he would have defied her by marrying me. My parents would never bless our marriage if they found out he was also married to someone else. I would be forced to be dishonest with them.

Please help me find the right path through this tangled mess!!!

Assalamou Alaikoum Warahmatou Allah Taala Wabarakatou,

Sister first i would like to say congratulations to you to join us in the islam and here are the answers to your questions

first in the islam to marry him he have to ask permission from his wife and if she accept then he can marry you

second he doesnt need his mother permission to marry you as you are both adult and the wali should be a man and not a woman and ALLAH SWT knows the best

Sister why you want to marry a man who have already a wife and a daughter and how can you trust him , may be hes using you because hes jobless and you are helping him with finance so please be careful and wake up

third a man who can marry a second wife he can marry a third and fourth so dont trust and leave him to his family and INSHALLAH ALLAH SWT will bring to you the right muslim man to marry you and in this forum there are so many good muslims brothers they could be interesting and khair INSHALLAH

I hope thats help you

 

[Dagless]

well sister id have no problem marrying him if he had a good income you know what i mean. marriage is not about spending time in the bed you have to think about if you had kids with this guy tomorrow how would he be able to support all of you and he don't even have residence in the us

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...

Wait... actually that's exactly what I am saying. If you have love for this guy then forget income, forget all else, just wait and see if he chooses you.

 

[Alpha Dude]

2) Not only must she know, she must be happy with, and accept, the arrangement.

Actually no, I don't believe that is the case. There is no Islamic requirement that the first wife be informed beforehand. Although, of course, it wouldn't be wise of the husband to do such a thing.

 

[cat eyes]

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...

Wait... actually that's exactly what I am saying. If you have love for this guy then forget income, forget all else, just wait and see if he chooses you.

hahhahaaaaha ;D;D;D;D;D this is just classic i never laughed so hard in my life how am i a gold digger if i wanted that my husband should be able to support two wives and our kids???? please learn a few things before posting! its the right of the wife

 

[Salahudeen]

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...

Wait... actually that's exactly what I am saying. If you have love for this guy then forget income, forget all else, just wait and see if he chooses you.

I don't think that's very fair, in Islam part of a women's right when she gets married is that the husband provides food and clothing. If he doesn't have a very good income he's NOT going to be able to do that is he, so he won't be able to fulfill the wifes right over him.

In Islam, it's a women's right that the husband clothes her and feeds her so she has to see if his income will allow him to do that.

It's not called being a gold digger, it's called looking at the facts like his income and assessing whether or not he'll be able to provide the basic rights of a wife. Other things like his deen are taken into account also and then you make a decision based upon them.

would you marry your daughter to a man who had no job or income and he made her go out and work and pay the bills?

or would you let your sister marry a man who had no income and no way of fulfilling her basic rights as a wife. The rights that Islam gives her.

And I don't think it's very wise of you telling her

"if you have love for the guy then forget his income, forget all else just wait and see if he chooses you"

the messenger of Alllah peace be upon him told us the criterion and what to look for when we get married and he never told us to forget all else if you love some 1.

The best criterion for choosing a partner in marriage was stated by Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):

"A woman is married for four things, ie., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Narrated by Abu Huraira – from Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27)

inshallah try and look at what Islam and our (prophet peace be upon him) say on the matter and not what Kanye West says.

 

[UmmSqueakster]

Some random thoughts:

*Being in an intercultural marriage is HARD. Being in a polygamous intercultural marriage is even HARDER. Why enter a marriage that has so many obsticles? Both are doable, but to have both together makes in near impossible

*I've witnessed a lot of polygamous marriages here in america, and sadly, they usually don't work out. The likelyhood that they won't work out increases when it's a secret marriage. The only way I've seen it work is if all parties involved - both wives, the husband - are open and honest about it before it happens. If my husband snuck around behind my back and married someone without my knowledge, he'd be out the door. It destroys the trust the couple has and that trust is very hard to rebuild.

*As a new convert, getting married is hard. You're still learning your religion, and now you have to learn to be the perfect wife for the man too. I usually advise converts to wait a few years before they get married. I myself didn't get married until 3 years after I converted, and even that was too soon for me. I've developed my deen since then, and found that my husband (who I do love dearly) and I practice the religion very differently. It's a strain on our marriage I wish I didn't have.

*As a new convert, I would NEVER EVER EVER recomend a polygamous marriage. Nearly every polygamous marriage situation I've witnessed involving a convert has ended badly, and sadly the convert wife is so mistreated that she ends up leaving islam as well imsad

*visa/green card issues - he's here on a J-1 and applied for asylum? There's always a chance he won't get it, and then you're up a crick with no paddle. He could be deported (especially if they find out he's practicing polygamy). And, if he were to get approved, he would have to swear on the forms he fills out for a green card that he is not practicing polygamy. That would be a big fat lie, and one that could get him deported later.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I am a relatively new American revert (about 3 months now) living in the US. I have been a widow for four years, and have a young son.

I was introduced to an Iraqi man who is here as a graduate student and who was looking for a wife. We seemed very compatible (similar goals, education levels, and most importantly devotion practicing Islam), and we were soon engaged to be married. My son has met him, and they love each other. He was to accompany me over the winter break to meet my parents before the wedding in January. We have developed a very strong affection for each other and it seems like a perfect match.

He had told me that he had been married in Iraq, and had a young daughter there. He misses his daughter terribly. His wife had refused to come to the US and so he decided to divorce her. Since he had to leave quickly for school, he gave the papers to his mother to finish the divorce. That was a year ago. He has since applied for asylum in the US.

Last week, he gets an email from his attorney in Iraq saying "Congratulations! Your wife and daughter have been approved for refugee visas to the US, and they will arrive there in 30 days." He called his mother, who had decided on her own not to finish their divorce and pressure his wife to come to the US instead (his wife is his mother's sister's daughter). He told her about me, and she was so angry with him and screaming so loudly he had to hang up the phone.

We both care very much for each other, and we are both heartbroken. He doesn't feel he can tell his wife not to come because 1) his mother would never forgive him and 2) he would finally be with his daughter again.

He has not even spoken to his wife since he found out. From what he tells me they have a cold relationship. He is hoping that when she gets here, she will hate the US and want to go home. If she does, he is going to file for divorce here, which would mean he would keep custody of his daughter.

In the meantime, he wants me to become his second wife before she gets here. However, he doesn't want to tell either his wife or mother about me if we do marry. It would not be a official marriage in the eyes of the government either. I don't know much about how that works, given that multiple wives are not a part of our culture (and technically illegal here).

He knows that he will not be able to spend equal time with me especially at first. Because he is a student with no job (and cant get one with a J-1 visa), he will have trouble just supporting his current wife and child. They will have to be on public assistance until he graduates. Fortunately, I make very good money as a healthcare professional, and can support myself. Still, he is hoping that I will agree since he sees it as the only way we can be together. He says he hopes she will want to leave, and then I can be his only wife once he has his daughter.

Needless to say, my American Christian family would be outraged if I became a second wife. I still have not figured out how I would handle *that.* (I'm still worried about how they will react when I get off the plane in hijab next month as I have waited to tell them in person...)

While I hate what has happened to us, I feel even more badly for his wife. She has no idea he was engaged to another woman, much less that he wants to have me as a second wife. She has no idea that he has such little income, and what financial problems they will have. She has never lived outside of Iraq, and doesnt have any idea what kind of things she might face here (for example, we live in a rural midwest town where the closest halal meat shop is an hour and a half away...and he doesn't own a car). She doesn't know that if she wants to go home he will keep her daughter (no US court will allow a mother to take a child on refugee status back to the home country...he will get custody with no problems). She doesn't speak much English, and there are very few Arabic speakers in our rural town. I feel I must be compassionate towards her and consider her in this decision too.

So I need some advice please....

1) Should I even consider becoming his second wife knowing that I will not be treated equally, that his current wife will not know, and that I will not be acknowledged before his family and tribe?

2) If I did marry him, would it be right for her not to know? I feel that she should know, but again not being familiar with polygyny I dont know what the rules of etiquette are.

3) It is right to marry without the blessing of one's parents? I know his mother would never get over this because of her relation to his wife, because I am an American, and because he would have defied her by marrying me. My parents would never bless our marriage if they found out he was also married to someone else. I would be forced to be dishonest with them.

Please help me find the right path through this tangled mess!!!

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister welcome to the forum and jazakallah khayran for sharing your sensative situation with us. I have pasted some scholarly answers to questions asked about second marriages.

According to the fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:

a) the harm to the first wife;

b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;

c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;

d) the harm to family relations;

e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Marrying more than one wife is, in principle, without doubt permissible in Islam, but the conditions for doing so are really strict that they are almost impossible to fulfil, especially in our times.

The Quran and Sunnah have laid down certain strict conditions for practicing polygyny, such as equal treatment of the wives in all aspects, being financially in a position to provide equally for both, spending equal time, etc. These are just some conditions that are easily said than done. Just ask those who have opted to marry more than once, how difficult it is to maintain more than one wife.

Allah Most High states:

“…If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…” (Surah al-Nisa, 3).

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

“A man who marries more than one woman and then does not deal justly with them will be resurrected with half his faculties paralysed.” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Thus, many major scholars have advised not to marry more than one wife for the sake of it unless there is a genuine and pressing need, such as the husband being sure of falling into adultery (and not just merely wanting to fulfil his desires).

In the mentioned situation (and according to the details given in the question), it seems that the brother should avoid accepting the sister as his second wife. It has been mentioned that the brother has financial difficulties, thus this makes it all the more necessary for him to avoid marrying her.

He has his own two children to look after and provide for, and then this other sister has five children, thus the financial burden and strain this will have on the brother is obvious. It may also harm his own two children, and inevitably create problems with his current wife.

Therefore, the advice to the brother is to avoid getting into this second marriage, and to explain to the other sister in a kind and gentle way (with wisdom) that he is not the right person for her, and that he is not in a position to maintain two wives and seven children. Also make Dua that the sister concerned finds a husband who is suitable for her and that he is not faced with a heavy burden of duties and responsibilities.

The above does not imply in any way that it is unlawful to marry second time, rather this is the practical advice based on what has been mentioned in the question. It would also be advisable to discuss the issue with a local scholar whose knowledge and wisdom you respect.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam

In regards to Second marriage and the rights of wives


In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

It is one of the foremost requirements from a man who has more than one wife to treat all his wives equally and justly. There are grave warnings mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah for oppressing, mistreating or not being fair with the wives. The Qur’an conditioned the permissibility of marrying more than one wife with justice and fair treatment.

Allah Most High says:

“If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.. (Surah al-Nisa, 3).

It is a grave sin to treat the wives unequally. Any man who wishes to take a second wife also has to meet the important condition of fair treatment of all his wives. The verse quoted above includes the command to treat wives equally, and anyone who is unable to do so should marry only one wife.

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralysed.” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1141)

Equal treatment includes all social, economical and physical needs. It is very difficult for human beings to be completely fair, a fact which is recognised by the Qur’an:

“You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air)... (Surah al-Nisa, 129).

The above verse alludes to the fact that, a man must be fair in his external treatment of his wives, in that he should spend equal time with all of them, spend out on them equally, etc. However, if his heart is inclined towards one or he has more love for one wife over the other, then that is not blameworthy, for it is beyond his control.

Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would treat his wives equally and justly, and then say: “O Allah! This is my distribution according to my capability, thus do not hold me for what you own and I don’t (meaning, what is in your capability and beyond my means).” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1140, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 3133 & Musnad Ahmad).

Imam al-Mawsili (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“It is mandatory upon a man to treat his wives equally with regards to spending the night….. A virgin, non-virgin, old, new, freed slave, Muslim and from the people of the book all have equal rights, and must be treated equally….. However, equality and fairness is not necessary with regards to sexual intercourse and love, for the former is based on agility and energy (nashat), whilst the latter (love) is the action of the heart.” (al-Ikhtiyar li ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 3/143).

A wife may even relinquish her right of spending the night with her husband and give it to her co-wife. It is narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) issued a revocable divorce to Sawda bint Zam’a (Allah be pleased with her). She requested the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) to take her back, and that she will allocate her turn (of spending the night) to A’isha (Allah be pleased with her), in order that she may be included among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) on the day of Judgment, thus the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) fulfilled her wish and took her back. (See: Mishkat al-Masabih, 2/966, no. 3237)

If a wife relinquished her right, then she has a right in the future to once again demand equality. Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“If a wife granted her right of companionship with the husband to her co-wife, then this will be valid, and she will have the right to reverse her decision in the future if she so desires.” (See: Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar, 3/206)

Similarly, it will be permissible for the husband to remain more in the company of one wife with the express permission of the other, for the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) sought the permission of his wives during his illness that led to his demise (maradh al-Mawt) in order that he remain in the house of Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her). His wives granted him permission, thus he spent his last days until he passed away in the house of A’isha (Allah be pleased with her). (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 4919)

As far as travelling is concerned, one may travel with whom one wishes, although it is preferable to draw lots and travel in the company of the one whose name appears. The reason being, that, one may feel more comfortable with one wife than the other whilst travelling, or she may be more suitable in being a travel companion. However, the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was to draw lots and travel with the one whose name appeared. (Radd al-Muhtar, 3/206)

It must be explained to the husband about the necessity of equal and fair treatment, and the warnings of punishment for failing to treat the wives fairly. It is clearly understood from the above explanation as to exactly what rights a second wife has and what he must do.

Despite all attempts, if the husband fails to adhere to the injunctions of Shariah, then the second wife may exercise patience, for which there is great reward. However, if the suffering is too much to bear, then the second wife may refer her case to an Islamic council for the dissolution of marriage on grounds of oppression (jawr) and unfair treatment.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK

Thus Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably. Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:

1. Financial support and maintenance

2. Housing

3. Companionship

4. Fair division of time between households

This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot deal equitably between wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous marriage.

It is clear from what your telling us that this man would not be able to fulfill your rights as a second wife as he would clearly struggle to fulfill the rights of his first wife.

Also the fact that he is decieving her by trying to make her come here in order to put her off America so that she can go back to her country and leave her daughter with you, this is utterly disgraceful and you should not associate yourself with this man any longer.

Please put yourself into the shoes of his wife. If he did that to you what he is planning to do with his first wife how would you feel? Your life would be ruined. He is wanting to ruin the life of his first wife out of his own selfisheness. This is NOT the attribute of a good man at all.

 

[cat eyes]

imsad thank you brother squiggle for backing me up. MashaAllah! I was very hurt over that nasty remark. Wish there was more brothers like you. SubhanAllah I was not going to care about the brothers income if it was just me in his life but having another wife and then add kids on to that its a whole different story.

 

[Dagless]

Actually no, I don't believe that is the case. There is no Islamic requirement that the first wife be informed beforehand. Although, of course, it wouldn't be wise of the husband to do such a thing.

You are quite right but if he does not tell her or she does not want a second wife then it will lead to a broken home. He should be treating his wife with respect, not hiding things like this.

hahhahaaaaha ;D;D;D;D;D this is just classic i never laughed so hard in my life how am i a gold digger if i wanted that my husband should be able to support two wives and our kids???? please learn a few things before posting! its the right of the wife

The girl already said she has a good income and she loves him. What more do you want! Btw the pic with the quote was said in jest. I did not mean to hurt you so I'm sorry if I did.

I don't think that's very fair, in Islam part of a women's right when she gets married is that the husband provides food and clothing. If he doesn't have a very good income he's NOT going to be able to do that is he, so he won't be able to fulfill the wifes right over him.

In Islam, it's a women's right that the husband clothes her and feeds her so she has to see if his income will allow him to do that.

It's not called being a gold digger, it's called looking at the facts like his income and assessing whether or not he'll be able to provide the basic rights of a wife. Other things like his deen are taken into account also and then you make a decision based upon them.

would you marry your daughter to a man who had no job or income and he made her go out and work and pay the bills?

or would you let your sister marry a man who had no income and no way of fulfilling her basic rights as a wife. The rights that Islam gives her.

And I don't think it's very wise of you telling her

"if you have love for the guy then forget his income, forget all else just wait and see if he chooses you"

the messenger of Alllah peace be upon him told us the criterion and what to look for when we get married and he never told us to forget all else if you love some 1.

The best criterion for choosing a partner in marriage was stated by Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):

"A woman is married for four things, ie., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser." (Narrated by Abu Huraira – from Al Bukhari Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27)

inshallah try and look at what Islam and our (prophet peace be upon him) say on the matter and not what Kanye West says.

Why is it not wise telling her that? She already loves the guy, it is irrelevant what that love should be based on since it already exists.

 

[Asiyah3]

I agree with Hamza81.

May Allah guide all of us and them

 

[Salahudeen]

You are quite right but if he does not tell her or she does not want a second wife then it will lead to a broken home. He should be treating his wife with respect, not hiding things like this.



The girl already said she has a good income and she loves him. What more do you want! Btw the pic with the quote was said in jest. I did not mean to hurt you so I'm sorry if I did.



Why is it not wise telling her that? She already loves the guy, it is irrelevant what that love should be based on since it already exists.

Thanks for taking the time to type this info, I'm really happy for you, and imma let you finish... but the Quran has some of the best info of all time, OF ALL TIME!

hmm I already told you, it's not wise cos there's many other factors involved for example, another women, kids, permnant stay it's not as black and white as you make it out to be and the (prophet peace be upon him) told us the criterion of what to look for and he didn't say "if you love them forget everything else" as you say. And who gives better and more wiser advice than the prophet of Allah peace be upon him.

And just because you love some 1 it doesn't mean they're the right person for you, for example Muslim's fall in love with non muslims does that mean they should marry them??

women fall in love with abusive men does that mean they should marry them?

women fall in love with men who womanise does that mean they should marry them?

should she still marry him if he's after getting permanant stay in the USA?

according to your theory they should, cos as you said "if you have love for the guy then forget his income, forget all else just wait and see if he chooses you"

Love is an emotion that you feel towards a particular person, it doesn't guarantee that person is right for you, but if you follow the advice of the prophet (saw) and look for what he advised then inshallah you'll find a righteous partner who improves you in your religion and helps you to get to jannah.

as they say love is blind a person could be the worst person in the world for you but because of your love for them you don't see it till they hurt you.

And I know the girl has a good income I never said she never, I said you shouldn't criticize a person by calling them a gold digger because they look at man's income.

and my basis for saying this was the fact that Islam makes it a requirement on the man that he has the ability to provide food and clothing for his wife.

sorry if I hurt any egos when I was speaking of what the prophet peace be upon him and the religion of Islam advises.

And I apologize to the sis for taking her thread to another direction, if you would like to discuss further akhi pm me as it's not fair for the sis that her thread be hijacked like this.

 

[seekingsolace]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. It is true that I don't care about the money issue. Allah has blessed me far beyond what I deserve, so my income is such that I could support all five of us if I needed to without problem.

I spoke with him about it today. We are going next Saturday morning to meet with an imam whom we both respect inshallah. I suspect he will say much the same as you have said and I have concluded, that this is generally a bad idea.

I told him this today, and he offered another suggestion. He suggested that we enter into a mut'ah for six months to see how it goes when she gets here. All of the "fun" and none of the commitment - how does that make it any better?

He spoke with her on the phone (finally) yesterday. He told her that when she gets here, she will need to go back to school so that she can get a good job. She currently works in the legal system there, but her credentials and her English skills are insufficient to get anything much above unskilled labor here. She was furious with him, and started shouting on the phone asking why should she come in the first place. She has a good job, a nice house, a nice car, and lots of family and friends in Iraq. Here she will have nothing but him, and if he has his way, only half of that.

(it does seem as though his family back home likes to shout at him a lot....LOL)

So he tells me he's not even sure she will really come, and if she does he doesn't think it will work. I am thinking now this second wife business is more of a ploy to keep me bound to him until the first wife decides what she will do.

I could not help but to ask him what would keep him from taking a secret second wife on me if we did have a single marriage down the road. He laughed, of course, and said that with me there would be no need.

Right.

So I think I'm going to let the imam be the one to tell him the bad news next weekend. I will not say that it will be easy for me to do. Having been alone for the past four years, the offer of any companionship is tempting especially with someone who is otherwise so compatible.

But maybe temptation is the key word here....

I think I'll wait for something more honest and correct, even if it means I have to wait the rest of my life. I don't have the beauty, but I do have the other three qualities. Maybe one day a good brother will decide three out of four is enough?

 

[Salahudeen]

hmm Mut'a so I take it he's a shia then. Mut'a marriages are not allowed. but shia's still pratice it. But in main stream Islam you'll find such a thing doesn't exist.

I think you have your answer. mut'a is like prostitution in my eyes, marry a women for abit enjoy her then divorce her when you'd had your fun. The whole thing sounds dodgy in my eyes to be honest. Are you sure he's not just with you so he can get permnant citizenship aswell as having the luxury of you supporting him financially?

you made a valid point, what is there to keep him from taking a second wife and lying to you about it. If he's willing to do it with her what's to stop him from doing it with you. Inshallah you'll find a nice brother sis who values your deen. And you said you don't have beauty well sister beauty is in the eye of the beholder, this is 1 of the blessings of Allah, not everyone finds the same thing beautifull, just because one person finds some 1 beautifull doesn't mean every body thinks that person is beautifull. So inshallah you'll find some and in his eyes you'll be beautifull.

 

[Insecured soul]

I think I'll wait for something more honest and correct, even if it means I have to wait the rest of my life. I don't have the beauty, but I do have the other three qualities. Maybe one day a good brother will decide three out of four is enough?

Allah is with u sister, its what my girlfriend told me when she left me

but now i realise its really true its only allah we need, he is sufficient and u will be guided, have patience.

 

[Humbler_359]

Sister,

First of all Congratulation for finding Islam. You learn Islam from the guy or yourself? How you meet him?

I didn't WANT to put you in difficult situation and will get worst later. Islamically, a husband doesn't allow to cheat his wife or wife doesn't allow to cheat husband.

From my understanding, it is between him and his first wife. It is his problems, not yours. You better take out of this mess triangle. Alot of family members wouldn't be pleased with your choice marrying him, that's why his mother forced his wife to come to US in order to make his husband very happy. He should be happy to see her and should solved the matters instead hiding the fact or avoiding her.

The thing I see is he didn't do right things that is unIslamic way.

Again, intercultural marriage is NOT EASY FOREVER due cultural differences and raise background...... (I had myself experiences with American revert imsad). There is more requirement than just love in between couples.

I don't want to make you feel down (I understand your four years unmarriage), I dislike to see people fell in trap like this. I suspect that he probably take you advantage to become US citizen or money for his studies. I could be wrong.

My advice is to find someone who is single or divorce status clearly in record. Up to you in your decide.

 

[mariyyah]

Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb my sister welcome to the forum and jazakallah khayran for sharing your sensative situation with us. I have pasted some scholarly answers to questions asked about second marriages.

According to the fatwa of major Arab and Indo-Pak scholars is that it is generally wrong and unwise in our times to marry a second wife, without consulting wise and knowledgeable scholars (even though it is in itself permitted), because of the harm and mess that inevitably results:

a) the harm to the first wife;

b) the troubles with the second wife when the first is upset;

c) the harm of not giving both their legal, emotional, and material rights;

d) the harm to family relations;

e) and, also vitally, the harm to one’s children…

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

Marrying more than one wife is, in principle, without doubt permissible in Islam, but the conditions for doing so are really strict that they are almost impossible to fulfil, especially in our times.

The Quran and Sunnah have laid down certain strict conditions for practicing polygyny, such as equal treatment of the wives in all aspects, being financially in a position to provide equally for both, spending equal time, etc. These are just some conditions that are easily said than done. Just ask those who have opted to marry more than once, how difficult it is to maintain more than one wife.

Allah Most High states:

“…If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…” (Surah al-Nisa, 3).

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said:

“A man who marries more than one woman and then does not deal justly with them will be resurrected with half his faculties paralysed.” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Thus, many major scholars have advised not to marry more than one wife for the sake of it unless there is a genuine and pressing need, such as the husband being sure of falling into adultery (and not just merely wanting to fulfil his desires).

In the mentioned situation (and according to the details given in the question), it seems that the brother should avoid accepting the sister as his second wife. It has been mentioned that the brother has financial difficulties, thus this makes it all the more necessary for him to avoid marrying her.

He has his own two children to look after and provide for, and then this other sister has five children, thus the financial burden and strain this will have on the brother is obvious. It may also harm his own two children, and inevitably create problems with his current wife.

Therefore, the advice to the brother is to avoid getting into this second marriage, and to explain to the other sister in a kind and gentle way (with wisdom) that he is not the right person for her, and that he is not in a position to maintain two wives and seven children. Also make Dua that the sister concerned finds a husband who is suitable for her and that he is not faced with a heavy burden of duties and responsibilities.

The above does not imply in any way that it is unlawful to marry second time, rather this is the practical advice based on what has been mentioned in the question. It would also be advisable to discuss the issue with a local scholar whose knowledge and wisdom you respect.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam

In regards to Second marriage and the rights of wives


In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

It is one of the foremost requirements from a man who has more than one wife to treat all his wives equally and justly. There are grave warnings mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah for oppressing, mistreating or not being fair with the wives. The Qur’an conditioned the permissibility of marrying more than one wife with justice and fair treatment.

Allah Most High says:

“If you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one.. (Surah al-Nisa, 3).

It is a grave sin to treat the wives unequally. Any man who wishes to take a second wife also has to meet the important condition of fair treatment of all his wives. The verse quoted above includes the command to treat wives equally, and anyone who is unable to do so should marry only one wife.

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralysed.” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1141)

Equal treatment includes all social, economical and physical needs. It is very difficult for human beings to be completely fair, a fact which is recognised by the Qur’an:

“You are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air)... (Surah al-Nisa, 129).

The above verse alludes to the fact that, a man must be fair in his external treatment of his wives, in that he should spend equal time with all of them, spend out on them equally, etc. However, if his heart is inclined towards one or he has more love for one wife over the other, then that is not blameworthy, for it is beyond his control.

Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) would treat his wives equally and justly, and then say: “O Allah! This is my distribution according to my capability, thus do not hold me for what you own and I don’t (meaning, what is in your capability and beyond my means).” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1140, Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 3133 & Musnad Ahmad).

Imam al-Mawsili (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“It is mandatory upon a man to treat his wives equally with regards to spending the night….. A virgin, non-virgin, old, new, freed slave, Muslim and from the people of the book all have equal rights, and must be treated equally….. However, equality and fairness is not necessary with regards to sexual intercourse and love, for the former is based on agility and energy (nashat), whilst the latter (love) is the action of the heart.” (al-Ikhtiyar li ta’lil al-Mukhtar, 3/143).

A wife may even relinquish her right of spending the night with her husband and give it to her co-wife. It is narrated that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) issued a revocable divorce to Sawda bint Zam’a (Allah be pleased with her). She requested the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) to take her back, and that she will allocate her turn (of spending the night) to A’isha (Allah be pleased with her), in order that she may be included among the wives of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) on the day of Judgment, thus the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) fulfilled her wish and took her back. (See: Mishkat al-Masabih, 2/966, no. 3237)

If a wife relinquished her right, then she has a right in the future to once again demand equality. Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states:

“If a wife granted her right of companionship with the husband to her co-wife, then this will be valid, and she will have the right to reverse her decision in the future if she so desires.” (See: Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar, 3/206)

Similarly, it will be permissible for the husband to remain more in the company of one wife with the express permission of the other, for the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) sought the permission of his wives during his illness that led to his demise (maradh al-Mawt) in order that he remain in the house of Sayyida A’isha (Allah be pleased with her). His wives granted him permission, thus he spent his last days until he passed away in the house of A’isha (Allah be pleased with her). (Sahih al-Bukhari, no. 4919)

As far as travelling is concerned, one may travel with whom one wishes, although it is preferable to draw lots and travel in the company of the one whose name appears. The reason being, that, one may feel more comfortable with one wife than the other whilst travelling, or she may be more suitable in being a travel companion. However, the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) was to draw lots and travel with the one whose name appeared. (Radd al-Muhtar, 3/206)

It must be explained to the husband about the necessity of equal and fair treatment, and the warnings of punishment for failing to treat the wives fairly. It is clearly understood from the above explanation as to exactly what rights a second wife has and what he must do.

Despite all attempts, if the husband fails to adhere to the injunctions of Shariah, then the second wife may exercise patience, for which there is great reward. However, if the suffering is too much to bear, then the second wife may refer her case to an Islamic council for the dissolution of marriage on grounds of oppression (jawr) and unfair treatment.

And Allah knows best

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

Darul Iftaa, Leicester, UK

Thus Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably. Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:

1. Financial support and maintenance

2. Housing

3. Companionship

4. Fair division of time between households

This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot deal equitably between wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous marriage.

It is clear from what your telling us that this man would not be able to fulfill your rights as a second wife as he would clearly struggle to fulfill the rights of his first wife.

Also the fact that he is decieving her by trying to make her come here in order to put her off America so that she can go back to her country and leave her daughter with you, this is utterly disgraceful and you should not associate yourself with this man any longer.

Please put yourself into the shoes of his wife. If he did that to you what he is planning to do with his first wife how would you feel? Your life would be ruined. He is wanting to ruin the life of his first wife out of his own selfisheness. This is NOT the attribute of a good man at all.

Brother hamza 81 but there is a conditions to marry more women in the islam , you cannot marry a second wife as a virgin because you want to enjoy your self but the women you can marry like a widow or a poor divorced women with childrens kind of a women who need your help and support but not for enjoyment