The Marriage Thread

[cat eyes]

So he is allowed to see her uncovered only one time?

Yeah you can meet her as many times as you like with mehram but she will be wearing her hijab obviously so at least you can see her face innit

 

[Insaanah]

So he is allowed to see her uncovered only one time?

There are ahadeeth that encourage a person to see his prospective bride.

One person told the prophet :saws: that he got engaged and he asked him if he looked at her. when he answered in the negative, he said, " Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." (Ahmad, Dar Qutni, ibn Majah, al-Baihaqi, al-Tabaraani)

"If one of you proposes to a woman and he can see what of her may attract him to marry her, then he should do so." (Abu Dawud, al-Baihaqi)

The purpose of viewing the woman is very specific. it is to help one determine whether or not he would like to marry that woman. the scholars are fairly well agreed taht once the person has made that determination, it is no longer permissible for him to look at that woman. If a man sees a woman and they decide that they want to marry each other, this does not make it allowed for them to continue seeing each other. In fact, the opposite is closer to the truth. Now there is no longer any need for them to see each other. Therefore, they are no longer allowed to see each other. This is because as long as they have not yet got married, they are still strangers to one another and, as such, all of the general laws regarding the relations between the sexes apply to them.

The look is recommended. The purpose of it is to seriously consider if there could be some attraction between the two parties. The look should ONLY be done if the person really believes that there may be a possibility that he is going to marry that woman. if he, in reality, does not have such an intention, or he knows that such a marriage is not going to take place, it becomes forbidden for him to take such a look. The look is not allowed to take place in private, with the two of them alone. The man may look at the woman more than once if he needs to do so. For example, if he did not get a good look at her the first time-which is not unusual in some areas due to the extreme shyness of both parties-or if he saw her but simply cannot make up his mind about her. Sometimes, due to nervousness or other causes, the man forgets what the woman looks like and needs to look at her again before he can make his final decision. So if there is a genuine need for a repeated look, it is allowed.

The majority of scholars state that he may only see her hands and face.

The woman also has a right to see her prospective groom. Indeed some scholars say that it is more important for the woman to see the man because the power of divorce is in the man's hands, and if he is displeased with the attractiveness of his wife, it will be fairly easy for him to get out of the marriage, but not so easy for her. Hence she must be given priority in this matter to ensure that she may lead a happy married life.

From: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce by Jamal Zarabozo, Published by the American Open University, 1997

 

[S<Chowdhury]

^^ Good question. Personally I would feel hurt when he would say no after seeing me.
Thats some BIG rejection seriously. Cant get more humiliating with your and his parents there and all. I would probably go curl up in bed and cry a bit.

Ouch! what a big humiliation, but like brother Rashad said usually your family get to see a picture of the bride before hand, so this type of situation should usually never arise.

 

[Getoffmyback]

There are ahadeeth that encourage a person to see his prospective bride.

One person told the prophet :saws: that he got engaged and he asked him if he looked at her. when he answered in the negative, he said, " Go and look at her, for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." (Ahmad, Dar Qutni, ibn Majah, al-Baihaqi, al-Tabaraani)

"If one of you proposes to a woman and he can see what of her may attract him to marry her, then he should do so." (Abu Dawud, al-Baihaqi)

The purpose of viewing the woman is very specific. it is to help one determine whether or not he would like to marry that woman. the scholars are fairly well agreed taht once the person has made that determination, it is no longer permissible for him to look at that woman. If a man sees a woman and they decide that they want to marry each other, this does not make it allowed for them to continue seeing each other. In fact, the opposite is closer to the truth. Now there is no longer any need for them to see each other. Therefore, they are no longer allowed to see each other. This is because as long as they have not yet got married, they are still strangers to one another and, as such, all of the general laws regarding the relations between the sexes apply to them.

The look is recommended. The purpose of it is to seriously consider if there could be some attraction between the two parties. The look should ONLY be done if the person really believes that there may be a possibility that he is going to marry that woman. if he, in reality, does not have such an intention, or he knows that such a marriage is not going to take place, it becomes forbidden for him to take such a look. The look is not allowed to take place in private, with the two of them alone. The man may look at the woman more than once if he needs to do so. For example, if he did not get a good look at her the first time-which is not unusual in some areas due to the extreme shyness of both parties-or if he saw her but simply cannot make up his mind about her. Sometimes, due to nervousness or other causes, the man forgets what the woman looks like and needs to look at her again before he can make his final decision. So if there is a genuine need for a repeated look, it is allowed.

The majority of scholars state that he may only see her hands and face.

The woman also has a right to see her prospective groom. Indeed some scholars say that it is more important for the woman to see the man because the power of divorce is in the man's hands, and if he is displeased with the attractiveness of his wife, it will be fairly easy for him to get out of the marriage, but not so easy for her. Hence she must be given priority in this matter to ensure that she may lead a happy married life.

From: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce by Jamal Zarabozo, Published by the American Open University, 1997

exactly the answer that i was looking for . thanks.
u see ,its not so complicated as i thought it would be
also no humiliation to any side

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Tips to a Better Marriage

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious
of this than the Prophet. His Sulmah reflects keen attention to
personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and
muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your partner
was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are
married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under
Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your partner knows. Be aware
that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical
appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular
counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as
well. Don 't allow your partner to get side-tracked by the likes of a
'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller
skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant,
more radiant, and more attractive to your partner.

2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing. Muslim
spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to
do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the
conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female
converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home
raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the
home to maintain the family. She may have read about Birth Control and
assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting
that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic
conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry
about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear
children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families
may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and
Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can
place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful
for the Muslim couple to delay having children, for the wife to work
while the children are young and until the couple 's financial
situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid
or ashamed to use it.

3. Be a companion to your partner. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse
's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run
races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your partner in your
interests.

4. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your
commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social
outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote
Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims,
and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly
enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of
activity and con~ac~s.

5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your partner does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.

6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minor
aggravations.

7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to
test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This
will only cause dissension and bad feelings.

8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially
important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet
always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own
clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the
evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the
afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the
best of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).

9. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone,
away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this
can give to a marriage.

10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him
how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open
discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

11. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can.
Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and
belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim
couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The
Prophet did not live this way, neither should you.

12. Respect your partners need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself,
either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable
person agreeable.

13. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few
exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems,
make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence.
If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek
him or her out first.

14. Be sensitive to your partner's moods. If you want to share a personal
achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' .
Wait for the proper time.

By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid

Any gd ^^ anymore to add?

 

[★ηαѕιнα★]

Found an example of a good compromise you can make with your spouse. Its a checklist of tasks man and woman have to do. I dont know about the kiss when hes mad thing. I think best is to stay away far then?:hmm:
Agree with the hugging thing. And with the catching spiders thing! ;D
Add to that: snakes, mice, rats, bees, roaches (and schorpions when on holiday in Morocco!). ;D

Actually now I think of it I have a question for you all:

What is the best way to approach an angry spouse?

 

[Getoffmyback]

i have a scenario which is strange a bit, but maybe possible .

Lets say a guy wants to propose to a girl wearing niqab online . Where is the problem if he asked her to send him a picture of her uncovered? With the assurance that he will delete the picture if he didn't feel attracted to her? Sure same he will send his picture So she can check the attraction meter within her.

 

[Beardo]

What if you're scared of spiders yourself? I guess I'll need my mother for that. :X

But to remain on tangent, I'll add this Hadith:

`Alqamah said,
While I was going along with `Abd Allah, he said, We were with the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be on him, and he said:

"He who is able to marry should marry, for it keeps the eye cast down and keeps a man chaste; and he who cannot, should take to fasting, for it will have a castrating effect upon him.1 (B. 30 : 10.)

 

[Re.TiReD]

I think of it I have a question for you all:

What is the best way to approach an angry spouse?

Dont, give them space to cool down. Only you would know what kind of person they are, whether they need space when they're angry or whether they feel the need to talk things through straight away. I'd be from among the latter.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Found an example of a good compromise you can make with your spouse. Its a checklist of tasks man and woman have to do. I dont know about the kiss when hes mad thing. I think best is to stay away far then?:hmm:
Agree with the hugging thing. And with the catching spiders thing! ;D
Add to that: snakes, mice, rats, bees, roaches (and schorpions when on holiday in Morocco!). ;D

^^^ If only it was that simple :hmm:

What is the best way to approach an angry spouse?[/B][/SIZE]

Haha for me it'd be wearing shin pads, shoulder pads, a helmet when i approach my fiancee if she's mad lool, i joke ;D.... well you should try to diffuse the situation therefore approach in a calm manner try not raise you voice to loudly or just walk out the room and give some time so she can calm down and you just go to your mum house to eat lol ;D

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Anger

There are several things we can to do cool our anger

Think about why you are really angry. Did you have a bad day? Did you have problems at work? It could be that you are mad at life in general, and not at your mate. Sometimes our spouses are just convenient outlets for frustration. Instead of lashing out, turn to your spouse for help. If you open up, you will likely find a set of open arms and a sturdy shoulder.

If, on the other hand, you really are angry at your spouse, try to find the real root. Focus only on the issue and try to present it in a non-confrontational way. Try to lose some of the anger before you discuss the problem.
Pray together. There is something unifying about prayer. When both of you truly open your heart and let Allah in, prayer cleanses the soul. Prayer connects you to Allah, and to each other.

Read Koran together. There are several verses related specifically to marriage. Reading these can help restore happiness and love.
Reflect on what you have built together. Look around your home, think about your children. When we focus on what we have created, it is difficult to hold on to resentment.

 

[Italianguy]

One must confront all problems at hand immediatley. Never let your spouse boil up, or save up those feelings of anger. Address the problem when it happens, talk it through, forgive each other. I have heard the saying "Never go to sleep angry at each other" ....it's so true!.....plus, dudes, you wont get breakfast in the morningimsad...many of days Italianguy has gone to the office with his stomach growlingimsad


And for the spiders thing........My wife has to get them for me:embarrass:nervous:.....I hate spiders!:raging:....Have you ever seen a 240 pound, 6'2'' tall Italian dude runa away screaming like a little girl;D:embarrass:nervous:

 

[S<Chowdhury]

One must confront all problems at hand immediatley. Never let your spouse boil up, or save up those feelings of anger. Address the problem when it happens, talk it through, forgive each other. I have heard the saying "Never go to sleep angry at each other" ....it's so true!.....plus, dudes, you wont get breakfast in the morningimsad...many of days Italianguy has gone to the office with his stomach growlingimsad:

That is noted "never go 2 be mad at each other"- hmmm, but what happens when you wife is all angry n mad :raging: and shouting at you, wouldn't it be better to leave her alone for a bit to calm down before you go and talk to her, it allows her to reflect and she can speak more rationally rather than blurting things out at the heat of the moment.

 

[Italianguy]

That is noted "never go 2 be mad at each other"- hmmm, but what happens when you wife is all angry n mad :raging: and shouting at you, wouldn't it be better to leave her alone for a bit to calm down before you go and talk to her, it allows her to reflect and she can speak more rationally rather than blurting things out at the heat of the moment.

Hmmmm...I have to be honest, my wife gets mad sometimes, but she will never get out of line. She is very submissive. She has never really screamed, or yelled that bad. It takes allot for her to get mad and if she does, she just cries. She has never blurted things out. I don't either, but at the same time, we know our roles in our marriage and were raised that way as children. So there is not a whole lot to fight about. Some would look at us and say we're boring....but it's usually through the eyes of westerners whom are more concerned with how the look and how much they can party. We have different concerns like

1.) Glorify God, first and foremost. Includes, volenteering at church and tithing %16 of income.
2.) Keep healthy.
3.) Steady income. (My company) she is house wife.
4.) Relationship, communication
5.) Retirement
6.) Glorify God
7.) College funds for our children
8.) More communicating
9.) friends
10.) Glorify God

There is no better way to spend time together than in prayer together or discussing faith. There should never be a time where you and your spouse have nothing to talk about. ...You always have God to discuss

God be with you.

 

[★ηαѕιнα★]

^^ Thats dangerous. The blurting things out can be very mean and hurtfull. Can cause loads of damage. Anyway, what about the sleeping on the couch thing? Do people actually do that? Meaning the woman makes the guy sleep on the couch because she soo angry she cant even look at him..?

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Hmmmm...I have to be honest, my wife gets mad sometimes, but she will never get out of line. She is very submissive. She has never really screamed, or yelled that bad. It takes allot for her to get mad and if she does, she just cries. She has never blurted things out. I don't either, but at the same time, we know our roles in our marriage and were raised that way as children. So there is not a whole lot to fight about. Some would look at us and say we're boring....but it's usually through the eyes of westerners whom are more concerned with how the look and how much they can party. We have different concerns like

1.) Glorify God, first and foremost. Includes, volenteering at church and tithing %16 of income.
2.) Keep healthy.
3.) Steady income. (My company) she is house wife.
4.) Relationship, communication
5.) Retirement
6.) Glorify God
7.) College funds for our children
8.) More communicating
9.) friends
10.) Glorify God

There is no better way to spend time together than in prayer together or discussing faith. There should never be a time where you and your spouse have nothing to talk about. ...You always have God to discuss

God be with you.

^^ True that ..... that is definitely not a boring marriages whoever says that is just rediculous thats a beautiful relationship you have with your wife :statisfie.

 

[Italianguy]

^^ Thats dangerous. The blurting things out can be very mean and hurtfull. Can cause loads of damage. Anyway, what about the sleeping on the couch thing? Do people actually do that? Meaning the woman makes the guy sleep on the couch because she soo angry she cant even look at him..?

No sleeping on the couch! Like I said, one should always communicate what is bothering them. There shouldn't be a time where you get soooo mad that you can't be around each other.....But just in case.....It's a good thing I bought an over sized and over stuffed couch;D

 

[Italianguy]

^^ True that ..... that is definitely not a boring marriages whoever says that is just rediculous thats a beautiful relationship you have with your wife :statisfie.

Thank you brother! I couldn't have been blessed with a more beautiful desi;D

Plus.......I have to be as good a husband as possible, or she will cut me off:nervous:....you know....NO MORE SAMOSAS FOR YOU!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:heated:

 

[-Fallen Angel-]

Thank you brother! I couldn't have been blessed with a more beautiful desi;D

Plus.......I have to be as good a husband as possible, or she will cut me off:nervous:....you know....NO MORE SAMOSAS FOR YOU!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH:heated:

wow. I would die if my wife ever said that to meimsad
I don't know how to make them and the ones sold at shops are not as good (frozen ones), and my mother hardly ever makes them except in ramadan... so that's like 10 days in a whole year
I need to learn to how make samosas

 

[★ηαѕιнα★]

^^ Yeah seriously how do you make them? Now im curious about how they taste.
Our Indian neighbour makes us stuff sometimes but dont know how everything is called.
How does a samosa look like? --> never mind googled them, they look a bit like egg rolls dont they?
Only triangleshape. Looks like a lot off effort (and love!) goes into them. ;D