Why is getting Married so Difficult....

[MO783]

I no how hard it is, just keep praying and making dua, Inshallah it will come.

 

[S_87]

Forgive me for my salty attitude, no need to take my frustrations out on you.

no problem

I mean, its a symptom of the problem but not the whole problem I guess. I've asked around with guys my age. Most of the time its a sister who

1) Doesn't want to involve her father right away... but cultural issues won't be an issue says she :rollseyes
2) Doesn't understand on anything more than a superficial level that I am a convert (i.e. my family is non-muslim and I'm not going to abandon them because they are kuffar, can you handle that?)
3) Wants a convert who she thinks she can dominate and will allow her to abandon family duties

In every meeting I have had, I have been contacted though. I know better than to ask uncles about their daughters, that ain't gonna fly.

Also, I know literally no muslim sisters. Lack of community is an issue as well. A HUGE issue for converts.

hmmm seems youve had some bad experiences, we do have some convert brothers here who have managed to marry into families, inshaAllah they can give you advice as to how they did it.
Also, do you not have a masjid in ur area that you are known in?

 

[nebula]

Jazakallah Khair for everones advise and input, I appreciate what everyone has said.

For me the issue is not finding a sister, when it comes to Somali practising brothers and sisters, the Ratio is 50 sisters to every 1 brother, there are way more practising sisters than brothers who are looking for practising brothers. I don't mean to show off, but being a young Somali brother in my 20's with a degree and a good job, finding a sister is fairley easy Alahmdulilah. BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous, everyone always makes a big noise when people commit zina (which is ofcourse wrong and haram and we seek Allahs protection) but when someone wants to make it halal and be safe from all these evils which are around us, we get a big NO NO.

Again Jazakallah Khair, I ask Allah for his guidance.

bro does the sister have to be from somali? i mean can't you marry a sister from a different country? or would your parents object to that aswell?

 

[convert]

no problem



hmmm seems youve had some bad experiences, we do have some convert brothers here who have managed to marry into families, inshaAllah they can give you advice as to how they did it.
Also, do you not have a masjid in ur area that you are known in?

I go to the masjid for all but dhurh (I pray at work) on a daily basis so they know me there. Its just the community isn't all that open. I mean, a couple brothers have mentioned they would help me in this regard but nothing ever came from it.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I know many young somali couples, mashaAllaah, that are from completely different tribes and are happily married alhamdulilah. You need not worry about the eedos and adeeros, but what the father thinks inshaAllaah and if they still refuse you can always include an imaam.

Alhamdulilah. That's why Islam came... to get rid of tribalism (and nationality) barriers.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

bro does the sister have to be from somali? i mean can't you marry a sister from a different country? or would your parents object to that aswell?

I can marry who I want, but I'm Somali and I love my Somali women (Love as in respect and think highly of them), I couldn't imagine marrying a non-somali's, Mashallah Somali sisters are excellent wives and mothers (no offense to all non Somali sisters, I'm sure you all make great wives and mothers). So inshallah my plans are to marry a Somali sister.

Again Jazakallah Khair for everyones advise.

 

[edil]

Brother may Allah give you a righteous wife and ease your situation, am a somali aswell and I see this type of issue day in and day out and the best thing you can do is pray to Allah and put your trust in him. The brothers and sisters already gave you good advices. You should let your close friends, family members, and the imam know that you want to get married and hopefully they'll find you someone. Once again this is not easy and requires lots of patients.

 

[Ar-RaYYan]

Jazakallah Khair for everones advise and input, I appreciate what everyone has said.

For me the issue is not finding a sister, when it comes to Somali practising brothers and sisters, the Ratio is 50 sisters to every 1 brother, there are way more practising sisters than brothers who are looking for practising brothers. I don't mean to show off, but being a young Somali brother in my 20's with a degree and a good job, finding a sister is fairley easy Alahmdulilah. BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous, everyone always makes a big noise when people commit zina (which is ofcourse wrong and haram and we seek Allahs protection) but when someone wants to make it halal and be safe from all these evils which are around us, we get a big NO NO.

Again Jazakallah Khair, I ask Allah for his guidance.

woah that stupid qabeel thing do exist then :skeleton: I mean serioulsy who cares if you are bloody hawiyo or dharood! What happened to personality, good manners n practising deen! But akhi if the girl is from a different tribe and she agrees to marry inshallah she could convince her parents to let her marry you. If not you could always ask advice from an imam you trust and maybe he could step in and inshallah make the parenst aware that refusing to let their daughter you because you are from different tribe isnt a legitimate reason.
yeah like sis Ameena* said most religious families wouldn't care if you from a different tribe as long as their daughter is marrying a good man they can trust, its just that those families who are 'qabeelistic' tend to be those who are not practising. Like someone else said maybe you are looking in the wrong place.

 

[Ar-RaYYan]

Ok I don't have much of any standards beyond deen, and even then I'm not one of those hard brothers. I have consistently been humiliated and dismissed throughout the process. So, I reiterate: what planet do you live on? Perhaps someone from there will marry me?

because you are a revert? woah that is really sad! imsad
wow Im surprised this is the first time im hearing things like that! Most of the people i know (sisters i mean ) would love to marry a revert not because of the reasons you have listed below! :exhausted

I mean, its a symptom of the problem but not the whole problem I guess. I've asked around with guys my age. Most of the time its a sister who

1) Doesn't want to involve her father right away... but cultural issues won't be an issue says she
2) Doesn't understand on anything more than a superficial level that I am a convert (i.e. my family is non-muslim and I'm not going to abandon them because they are kuffar, can you handle that?)
3) Wants a convert who she thinks she can dominate and will allow her to abandon family duties

 

[convert]

because you are a revert? woah that is really sad! imsad
wow Im surprised this is the first time im hearing things like that! Most of the people i know (sisters i mean ) would love to marry a revert not because of the reasons you have listed below! :exhausted

It happens, some sisters are a little naieve I guess. Its good that they are willing but they just don't really think things through fully you know? When it hits them "oh wow this might be a little tough" then it can end on a sour note. Also, even though they don't mean to, sometimes they can say some stuff thats kinda offensive.

Its ok, I mean I got a meeting coming up later this week. InshaAllah it will go ok. If not, I guess I've gotta track down my friends from college and try the auntie network.

Also: is it seriously that bad for Somalis? I mean, I know about and have dealt with the outsider trying to marry a Somali sister but I never thought it would be so ridiculous for their own people.

 

[Sahabiyaat]

Its ok, I mean I got a meeting coming up later this week. InshaAllah it will go ok. If not, I guess I've gotta track down my friends from college and try the auntie network.

The auntie network :muddlehea

surely your situation cant be that bad!!! lol.

 

[convert]

The auntie network :muddlehea

surely your situation cant be that bad!!! lol.

la howla wa la quwata ila billah

Afraid so.

 

[nebula]

whats the auntie network?

 

[convert]

whats the auntie network?

They don't have this across the pond?

I have a bunch of Paki friends. Their mothers have all been anxious to marry me off since I took shahadah. I might just let them try if this doesn't go through.

 

[AbuSalahudeen]

whats the auntie network?

Brother its faster than the fastest wireless broadband connection, its the fastest way to get news and information out there.

I call it the :skeleton::skeleton: Halimo Network :skeleton::skeleton:.

 

[nebula]

ohh okay i get it know... the auntie network you mean to say if you tell a "auntie" you want to get married then she'll tell other aunties and the news will spread from england to pakistan to australia

 

[convert]

ohh okay i get it know... the auntie network you mean to say if you tell a "auntie" you want to get married then she'll tell other aunties and the news will spread from england to pakistan to australia

Bingo. I've been to the potlucks, iftars, and eid gatherings... the auntie network is intense. I just fear the type of sister I would get. I mean to say, deen doesn't seem like its really even put into account in the matches I have personally seen.

 

[nebula]

^ bro i don't have much advice to give but all i can say is that just be paitent inshallah, its hard being paitence but its one of the characteristics of a mu'min!

 

[Ar-RaYYan]

It happens, some sisters are a little naieve I guess. Its good that they are willing but they just don't really think things through fully you know? When it hits them "oh wow this might be a little tough" then it can end on a sour note. Also, even though they don't mean to, sometimes they can say some stuff thats kinda offensive.

wow thats kinda sad. I got this feeling that those sisters werent exactly ready for marriage. n about saying offensive stuff well that is immature and childish, i bet they were just trying to blame you less guilt to deal to with in that way. Inshallah be glad you didnt marry someone like that!

Its ok, I mean I got a meeting coming up later this week. InshaAllah it will go ok. If not, I guess I've gotta track down my friends from college and try the auntie network.

inshallah i sincerely hope that goes well! May Allah make this meeting easy for you and with a good result inshallah

the auntie network! that is really really scary :exhausted hope u dont come to that situation

Also: is it seriously that bad for Somalis? I mean, I know about and have dealt with the outsider trying to marry a Somali sister but I never thought it would be so ridiculous for their own people.

[/QUOTE]

Im surprised myself! I mean obvioulsy i know somalis have got this problem with tribe thing but i had no idea that in this age n time someone would refuse to marry their daughter because that person happen to be from a different tribe!! Alhamdullilah i dont know anyone that have been refused because of that reason n even those less practising are not that bad. My parents are from completely different tribes n when they got married they were not religious at all so im surprised that something like that happens in our generation!
n about outsiders marrying a somali sisters- well i know a lot of somali sisters that married reverts, asians or other blacks n alhmadullilah their marriage is fine.
btw are you implying that you've asked a somali sister for marriage n it didnt work out?

 

[Imam]

I'd love to say 'in your face'!! right now brother imam, but i wont ...ok i just did.

Have you read what the man is talking about?

BUT the issue comes with the families, they are soooooooooooooooooooo difficult, because you come from a different part or a different tribe, for this reason only they would not give you a chance. I know this issue is apparent in pritty much in every culture, but why, its just ridiculous

He is obviously talking about different cultural marriage (whether the person belong to different race,country,religion,tribe etcc.)and its difficulties ....

he answered another question,Why marriage from a person who is different in some cultural,geographical aspects than you is difficult?

and he answered but not the complete answeres as fears and doubts not only
what is expected from parents but the couples as well...


If you accept his answer(tribal differences) to be proper to the question :
Why marriage generally difficult in the developing countries ,including Somalia etc.....?

then you should assume that the millions of young men and woman who passed the 30's ,in such countries , without marriage or even hope of soon marriage , is due to tribal issues...... and that is simply untrue as normally one would marry from his,her home,tribe etc......

so back again to my broader original question: Why is getting Married generally so Difficult in developing countries?
the answer(which you would hear often if you in such countries stop any single man in the street asking him why not yet married) :

due to the economical difficulties....

well ,I hope you deal with such trouble with mother regarding choice by resorting to your father....
and I advice you and other sisters to trust more the opinion of the father regarding the man who propose marriage as none understands a man better than a man like him.......


I shared my thoughts with you again as you proved yourself to be a descent person ......

peace and bless