Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,
(smile) You seem to be vacillating a lot on this question.
It seems to me that on the one side, you have a very natural wish to find a wife, but on the other, you have a fear of the consequences. But it seems to me that you are not very clear on many things.
Have you considered drawing up a list of the pros and cons, a bit as you might if you were planning setting up a new business? And I mean actually writing them down. There are obvious ones, which you have noted: pro: you feel lonely. A wife could help fill this void. Con: your new wife may not get on with your sons. But there are other points, that perhaps should be considered.
To help you come up with your list of pros and cons, you might want to ask yourself the following questions: Do I ever want to marry again? If yes, when? (And consider how likely it is that you can marry at a given age.) What does marriage mean to me? What do I want of it? (And put your requirements in order). Companionship? Sex? To help with my finances? To gain status of some kind (not just status through marrying a woman who has status, but also societal status for being married, perhaps)? Children (and consider that if you definitely don't want any more children, this may limit the women who would want to marry you. But if you want children, then you have to consider the likelihood that a woman with high childbearing potential (i.e. young ) will want to marry you)? A wish to look after someone (and feel your importance as a husband- it seems to me that men tend to have a need to feel like they are looking after a woman, in order for them to feel really satisfied with themselves)? Other reasons…?
As a Muslim, it seems to me that there is also a spiritual dimension to the question of marriage. As it is stated in a well-known hadith, marriage is half of one's deen. Half! Why?
I meditated on this question a while back. And it seems to me that the reason marriage is so important is because it opens us up to change and challenges. In other words, the prerequisites for spiritual growth. Even the best of marriages (as you know) are not easy. We can learn to be patient, loving, forgiving, kind... but also strong, self-sufficient, just, firm, good, fulfilling our trusts, wise... and grateful... indeed, we can practice so many of the Divine Qualities. And it is not only in the socially “successful” marriages that we can learn these. It may be that we will learn and practice these qualities though marriages that ultimately “fail”.
I met a woman a little while ago. She was in her early 50's. And she had a “successful” marriage: she was still married to her first husband. She had several children, one even married with a child. Her husband was wealthy. He went regularly to the jum'ah prayer. But as I got to know her, I discovered some rather deep problems. Her husband neglected her, and her children. He no longer even pays for her food (her children support her). He no longer sleeps with her. He has been violent for many years, both towards her, and towards his children. He has scammed one of his children of some very large sums of money (to the point where this child feels he can't marry). He has falsely accused one of being a threat to him (fortunately, the police didn't believe him). He cheats on his fasting in Ramadan, when he thinks no one sees him... And the woman? Yes, she is sweet and kind. Very patient. But she is also very dependent. She gets nervous going out by herself. She has stood by while great injustices have been done to her children. She permits people around her to mistreat her (not just her husband).
And contemplating this woman, I suddenly realized that Allah, in His Wisdom, offers us many lessons through marriage. But that the dissolution of marriage is not necessarily a failure to learn these lessons. Perhaps, sometimes, we can only learn the lessons we need through the agonizing process of a marital failure. Perhaps. (smile) Though not necessarily.
What I am trying to say, is that marriage, whether it's “good” or not, whether it is “successful” or not, is actually a great opportunity for us to work on those qualities that bring us closer to Allah. If we love Allah, then we will want to be like Him. Though we can never succeed, we can get closer. Islam is about submitting to God's Will, and finding the inner peace that comes with this. But ihsan, I believe, is about thirsting to get closer to God. It is about loving Him so intensely that you want to emulate him in the feeble way that a human can.
I would suggest that marriage is an important tool for both submitting to Allah (because He Made us to be a complementary pair), and also for getting really close to Him. And this, I think, is why marriage is so highly recommended. It is not just about the propagation of humankind. It is also about finding the balance of the complementary pair, and it can also be about the optimal growth of the human essence.
Now perhaps you are saying to yourself: well, ok, what if I'd like to marry... but what about my children? What if they get hurt? This is a very valid and excellent point. Your children are a trust Allah has Entrusted you with. And fulfilling trusts is part of getting closer to the One Who Fulfills All Trusts.
You have also cherished the idea of marrying, and never letting go. This is a very wonderful idea- in the right circumstances. But as I myself discovered (I used to cherish the same idea), sometimes, you must let go of this idea. Sometimes, the person to whom you are married is not a nice person. (gently) And indeed, it is more true to say that we are all forced to let go, in the end. As you know, perhaps, letting go is one of the lessons we are given to learn in this life. Because in the end, we have to let go of everything that we hold precious, and stand naked except for our deeds, in front of our Creator. (smile) And if our ragged deeds are stitched into clothes of rare and costly fabrics by our Compassionate and Merciful Lord... then he fills our longing hands with all we ever desired to hold... and more.
So perhaps, rather than saying to yourself: if I marry, I'm going to hold on no matter what + my children are precious and need to be protected, therefore, better not marry because things may not work out... why not change the equation to: My children are precious and need to be protected + I will marry, but if she is not good to my children, I will divorce her...?
Is divorce easy? No, it never is. But it is an option, if necessary. And it can be a learning process, too.
Perhaps you may say to yourself: ok, what about if I wait till my children are all grown and have families of their own, and then I'll look for a wife. After all, there seem to be plenty of options!
Mmm. For now this is true. But will this always be true? And how long do you think it will be till your sons leave your home?
I have read that young women tend to be very choosy (smile, and I've read men's irritated comments about this!), but that as they get older, and they realize that they are not so appealing anymore, and that time is running out for them to have a family, they become less picky, and indeed may marry rather unwisely, if they panic. Men have a different lifecycle, in that their appeal increases as they age, then splits into two, so tospeak. That is, the younger women (under 30) are not so interested in them, but women closer to their own age are perhaps more interested. At first, the men in their late 30's and early 40's feel depressed about this because they notice the younger women's reactions (and their own aging bodies), and ignore the older women's reactions. They go through a mid-life crisis. But then, once they have made peace with their aging selves, they start to realize that there are a lot of available women over the age of 30. And now it is the men who get choosy (twinkle, and the women who complain!). But, just as the women realize one day that they are not so appealing, so do men become less appealing as they age, though this is more apparent to men as they get closer to 55-60, I find (there is a certain amount of variation between men). (smile) I read recently that the Hollywood actor Jack Nicholson, who had formerly boasted of sleeping with 2000 women (yuk...!)...is feeling lonely. No one is interested in him anymore, it seems. This has happened to him later in life than many, but it goes to show that we all reach this point in the end. We become less attractive to the other gender.
I have also been noticing that women after menopause seem to feel less of a need for men. There seem therefore to be less women actively looking for a husband after this age (around 52-55;again, there is variation between women).
So basically, right now, you have a lot of appeal. If you wait 10 years, you may have less, and you may find that the number of women available has decreased. (twinkle) As a businessman, would you wait till the customers start to lose interest in your product before putting it onto a shrinking market?
Furthermore, you believe that a particular woman you know, cares about you. If a woman cares about you, she will very likely care about your children. Particularly if she has none of her own (though even if she had some of her own, you'd be surprised how attached a woman can become to another woman's child...we tend to be a bit crazy about children, you know. (twinkle) A bit like how men are crazy about attractive women).
You are being presented right now with several women who are of an age to be interested in marrying you, to whom you were attracted when you were young, who are of a similar background to you, and who even care about you! What more could you ask for?! Furthermore, this puts you in a very solid position to to consider the next point: unusual solutions.
For instance, is it absolutely necessary for you and your wife to live together? Of course, it is nicest (and cheapest) for everyone to be together, but is this the only option? Could you not, perhaps, live in your house/apartment with your children, and your wife live in another house/apartment? Perhaps even next door? You could do this in the short-term, whilst everyone is getting to know each other, or you could prolong it till when your sons move out with families of their own, if necessary (because in your culture, from what you have said, the men join their wives' families).
Would all women accept this? No. But some would. Maybe you could find one that would (if you were interested in this option)?
Of course, if you are hoping for a wife who could physically care for you and your children (healthy food and a clean house are nice to have...), then unless she lives really close to you, you won't get this benefit. But if you want someone to talk with, ask advice of, fulfil your needs for some physical closeness... it could work.
There may be other unusual solutions. If you are interested in marrying, I'm sure you could find a way to make things work, either by yourself... or perhaps your future wife could offer some ideas...or others around you... As long as divorce is an option, you can afford to take a risk (though if you opt for more children, this makes things more risky...).
And you know, it may be that your future wife could bring great benefits for your children. Not all step-mothers are evil, you know. It could happen that she live with you, be a fabulous cook (junk food is no good for growing boys, you know…), be wise, caring… and have an interest in football (or whatever your sons are interested in)! Knowing that you can get out of an unpleasant situation, means that you can take the risk of trying for a much better situation, too.
Of course, you must have the strength to opt out of an unpleasant situation… but maybe the love you have for your children will give you that strength…?
Finally, on an unrelated point (I'm not quite sure why a previous poster brought it up in the context of this thread), polygyny does not have to be about playboys (though it seems that this is a stereotype in your culture, which effectively means that pretty much only playboys take this option, as decent men would be ashamed to, and therefore, the stereotype is validated). It could be about kindness. It could, indeed, be an act of worship, done for the sake of Allah. (twinkle) You could, perhaps, make all the available women happy (unless there are more than four...).(laugh) Ok, I know this isn't for you. You're struggling to even figure out if you could marry one! But then again, if you could hold this image in your mind for a few moments (even as a joke), perhaps you might be able to realize that just one wife... isn't so difficult? That perhaps you are more capable of dealing with remarriage than you currently believe?
(smile) Anyway, think about it. We humans tend to get fixated on one of two options (in your case: marriage for your needs or singleness for your children's needs). But often, there are many more options and shades of colour…if we choose to look. I've thrown out a few ideas. Perhaps you can generate one that fills your particular situation and needs?
(gently) May Allah, the Giver of Life, Help you... to live again.
sister,