Would you agree to move in together with your husband's family?

[manaal]

lol, its normal for the girl to leave with her man.........its not normal for a girl to marry and live with her husband in her family home.


Gulf Countries but to be more specifically UAE

Wow, what differences in culture. In Sri Lankan where i come from, among Muslim families the husband usually moves in with the wife's family. There is a reason for it, but not an Islamic one. So here goes.... *deep breath...

Being a part of the Indian sub-continent, in Sri Lankan culture (primarily among Buddhists and Hindus), a dowry is requested (sometimes demanded) from the wife. This practice is also seen among many Muslim families. But now with increased religious awareness, Alhamdulillah, it has greatly reduced among Muslims.

But as a result of this dowry giving, which might include a house for the newlyweds to live in, the husband would move into the wife's family home, because the house would belong to her. Crazy you might think?

Now, the potential husband's family does not verbally request for any dowry (most marriages are arranged), but the bride's parents still make sure that they could provide their daughters with a home to live in. As for the sons. parents spend money on educating them, so they can do good jobs and collect a good some to be given as Mahr.


I now this is off topic. So to bring it back..... that is why it is not normal for me to live with my in-laws. :statisfie

 

[S<Chowdhury]

A Wife's Right to Housing Separate From Her In-Laws and Others

Answered by Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.

The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.

For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.

However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.

Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.

Question: The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’

Coming to your question, In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:

“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:

“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.

Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).

Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:

“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).

So what about the other family members?

If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house” (Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

And Allah knows best

 

[CosmicPathos]

As a counter point, when we are taking deen from SOME Arab scholars, we must keep our ears open to any interpretation done by them through their subconscious which is influenced by Arab culture. I saw that Arabs in middle east have a certain type of dancing on their weddings, we should keep in mind that we dont have to follow that on our weddings. Its their culture, not Islam.

Some desi guy in his religious zeal wore a soub on his wedding thinking he is being more Islamic .... I had to tell him that this dress has nothing to do with Islam and it would have been more appropriate if he had worn something from his culture as long as it was Islamic. Or at least shouldnt have worn soub thinking its an Islamic dress but if he liked soub and wanted to wear it thats another story.

 

[جوري]

what does dancing at weddings have to do with matters of jurisprudence?..
just as a woman has duties toward her husband so does he have duties to fulfill toward her.. if his parents or he wants a maid or live in slave they can always have one for hire, it isn't the job of a dignified woman to be brought in as a live in maid for some dude and his family!
people often mistake this graciousness that some sisters impart out of good manners as some sort of injunction.. it is not!

It isn't even the job of a wife to cook and clean for her husband it is a matter that should be equally shared. The prophet (PBUH) used to perform house duties!

 

[CosmicPathos]

what does dancing at weddings have to do with matters of jurisprudence?..
just as a woman has duties toward her husband so does he have duties to fulfill toward her.. if his parents or he wants a maid or live in slave they can always have one for hire, it isn't the job of a dignified woman to be brought in as a live in maid for some dude and his family!
people often mistake this graciousness that some sisters impart out of good manners as some sort of injunction.. it is not!

It isn't even the job of a wife to cook and clean for her husband it is a matter that should be equally shared. The prophet (PBUH) used to perform house duties!

of course. I cant imagine some man could not be man enough to do his own job (preparing his food, washing his clothes such menial tasks to the major ones such as earning money) by himself and depend for it on his woman.

 

[جوري]

of course. I cant imagine some man could not be man enough to do his own job by himself and depend for it on his woman.

I don't know if that is sarcasm or what but at 1:20am I'll give it a passing grade.

 

[islamirama]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

 

[CosmicPathos]

I don't know if that is sarcasm or what but at 1:20am I'll give it a passing grade.

Do you think time has an influence on the meaning intended? I did not mean it as a sarcasm though but if you want to take it that way, i cannot make it 9:20 pm for you.

 

[جوري]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

I don't know many women that don't work but I'd think the pleasure of her company would be enough, that is if he truly loved her.. and in fact I can't think of another reason for cooking or cleaning for someone if there were not sort of 'mawada and ra7ma' between them!

do you have children because you expect something from them or because their mere presence is enough to fill your world?

 

[جوري]

Do you think time has an influence on the meaning intended? I did not mean it as a sarcasm though but if you want to take it that way, i cannot make it 9:20 pm for you.

I do, I process and register information differently depending on how long I have been up and what time it is of day.. I think that would be the same with most people, although my tolerance is longer (than the norm) purely out of practice!

 

[CosmicPathos]

Regardless of how many bros here agree, at end of they day they would expect their wife to cook dinner when he comes home all tired from work. If man is working all day and she can't do that much sitting home (assuming she's a house wife), what is she doing all day and what is she bringing in this marriage?

I dont think a Muslim man should expect his wife to cook his meal for him. To each his own. For a man, marriage is a way to fulfill his sexual desires in a halaal way without falling to zina and as a matter of worship by providing for his wife and to increase Muslim progeny through his seed. I fail to see any deeper meaning to marriage than that.

 

[Asiyah3]

Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

 

[CosmicPathos]

Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

Is it Islamic obligation to share the matter?

 

[CosmicPathos]

Interesting topic going on...

It's pretty immature for a husband to daily come home and throw his clothes on the floor, leave his things unorganized, eat the meal that the wife has cooked and after finnishing just get up leaving the cleanup all alone to the wife... I agree with Skye it's a matter that should be equally shared.

Is it Islamic obligation to share the matter? "Sharing" the stuff creates more questions than it answers. How much to share? What to share? Why to share when there is a huge probability that humans in any relationship (except parents) have a tendency to become snouty and to remind the previous favors they have bestowed on you in the past when you were so helpless?

I didnt read anywhere that Prophet Muhammad pbuh "depended" on his wives. He was a pretty independent man and did his stuff himself.

 

[جوري]

^^ you are funny.. you don't need to be dependent on your wife to help around the house.. as for how much, well it depends on how much you can tolerate and how much you agree on.. but one thing for sure, going in with hostile expectations that it is 'her duty' will not make you last very long in a marriage.. it is a partnership not a form of slavery. To get married is a choice and I don't know many folks who will agree to go into a marriage knowing they are there to breed for you and bring you your slippers!

 

[islamirama]

I don't know many women that don't work but I'd think the pleasure of her company would be enough, that is if he truly loved her.. and in fact I can't think of another reason for cooking or cleaning for someone if there were not sort of 'mawada and ra7ma' between them!

do you have children because you expect something from them or because their mere presence is enough to fill your world?

While her love and companionship and the kids fill your world, you still are slaving away at work and coming home to cook and do everything like a single guy does because she is not "obligated" to do it doesn't seem all that fair to the guy?

I'm all for both working together and giving each other a hand. But if a woman goes into a marriage thinking she doesn't have to do anything, than what is she bringing to the table other than herself, especially considering many other women out there who would consider their "duty" (which is a bad choice of word, i would prefer "responsibility") to take care of the house. Marriage is like a job, who do you think has better chance of landing a husband?

I know these fatwa shaikhs in middle east like to say she doesn't have to do anything and he has to provide for her, including getting a maid to cook and clean. And we have seen how that is going. Those arab women do jack all day except gossip, shopping and what not. They don't even raise their kids. Kids are so spoiled they would call the maid to come and hand them something 2 feet away that they can't get themselves. let's not forget the physical abuse and sexual abuse these maids go through by their pervert landlords. Even Philippines threatened to break diplomatic relations with saudi over this widespread abuse of its people.

But in all honesty, most of us don't live in middle east, aren't arabs and can't afford to get maids per fatwas to kick around and abuse. If the wife can't handle house management, don't see point of having her or better yet trading her in for a more domestic model may be more viable. After all the prophet (S) did say all of you are Shepperd of your flock and each of you will be questioned of your sheperdship, and that wife's flock is husband's wealth and kids.

 

[جوري]

While her love and companionship and the kids fill your world, you still are slaving away at work and coming home to cook and do everything like a single guy does because she is not "obligated" to do it doesn't seem all that fair to the guy?

I'm all for both working together and giving each other a hand. But if a woman goes into a marriage thinking she doesn't have to do anything, than what is she bringing to the table other than herself, especially considering many other women out there who would consider their "duty" (which is a bad choice of word, i would prefer "responsibility") to take care of the house. Marriage is like a job, who do you think has better chance of landing a husband?

I know these fatwa shaikhs in middle east like to she doesn't have to do anything and he has to provide for her, including getting a maid to cook and clean. And we have seen how that is going. Those arab women do jack all day except gossip, shopping and what not. They don't even raise their kids. Kids are so spoiled they would call the maid to come and hand them something 2 feet away that they can't get themselves. let's not forget the physical abuse and sexual abuse these maids go through by their pervert landlords. Even Philippines threatened to break diplomatic relations with saudi over this widespread abuse of its people.

But in all honesty, most of us don't live in middle east, aren't arabs and can't afford to get maids per fatwas to kick around and abuse. If the wife can't handle house management, don't see point of having her or better yet trading her in for a more domestic model maybe more viable. Afterall the prophet (S) did say all of you have Shepperd of your flock and each of you will be questioned how your sheperdship, and that wife's flock is husband's wealth and kids.

the reality is different than what is painted in your mind or these fatwas.. in fact women slave twice as hard.. firstly as one pay check isn't enough in most households and her salary contributes to the household (that is the reality of it) and secondly because she does in fact fulfill all the other duties cook clean and bear children (and in likelihood care for them entirely) and if you'll pardon the next part menstruate every 28 days or so.. would like to see one of you go through the hormone shift and a nice five day bleed (with the works, headaches, tenderness, and generalized weakness) before we discuss how after a nice full day of work you'd like a little something to go with your slippers!

You don't really need to make it a battle of the sexes, and I don't think it should be... I think like the Quran tells us, there should be mawaddah and ra7ma between two lovers.. having huge expectations is sure to disappoint both parties.. we are all only human after all!

 

[cat eyes]

i cant agree more women work twice as hard and then giving birth to kids and then having to raise them men should be licking her feet for the pain women go through in giving birth btw i dont know where this topic is going lol

but i just want to say i hate those men who believe a woman should be tied to the kitchen sink. this is NOT what islam says at all.....

 

[CosmicPathos]

i cant agree more women work twice as hard and then giving birth to kids and then having to raise them men should be licking her feet for the pain women go through in giving birth btw i dont know where this topic is going lol

but i just want to say i hate those men who believe a woman should be tied to the kitchen sink. this is NOT what islam says at all.....

The reality of Islamic lands is different but it surely is changing in the imitation of the West. Women do not usually work there as you said and the house can and does survive on one pay check.

 

[islamirama]

the reality is different than what is painted in your mind or these fatwas.. in fact women slave twice as hard.. firstly as one pay check isn't enough in most households and her salary contributes to the household (that is the reality of it) and secondly because she does in fact fulfill all the other duties cook clean and bear children (and in likelihood care for them entirely) and if you'll pardon the next part menstruate every 28 days or so.. would like to see one of you go through the hormone shift and a nice five day bleed (with the works, headaches, tenderness, and generalized weakness) before we discuss how after a nice full day of work you'd like a little something to go with your slippers!

The reality is different which is why I see it pointless having all these threads opening up about what woman can't do, can do and who has to do what and what not. Regardless of what people discuss here or read fatwas given by shaikhs who think the whole world is like saudi, reality will always be different. So just want to point to the girls here who are daydreaming of maids and not having to do anything and what not, wake up before you get reality shock after marriage...

I also find it humorous how everyone here likes to open a marriage thread about how wonderful marriage is and what should be done and a 1000+ questions you an ask for a potential mate and how everyone is looking for someone. With so many threads open have you tried asking each other for marriage? may be IB can open a matrimonial section and hook the members up since there are so many of them here looking. They can start with those 1000+ questions to enter the drawing opcorn: