desperate and in complete despair for the first time in my life

I cannot imagine what you are going through or why families (especially parents) do this to other family members. Wanting what's best for our children is one thing but, it seems that in this case, the guy couldn't be a worse match. I am very sorry you are going through this.

I wanted to know, you mentioned you had a sister. Is she younger than you? Are your parents planning a similar marriage for her? It's bad enough to worry about yourself, but the possibility of having a sibling go through the same thing would just add to the sadness of the situation.

Anyway, on to better and brighter things: Trust in God. Pray, ask for help, guidance. He is there for you all the time. I also think that you should talk to some people within your community (religious, cultural, etc), they may be able to help you.

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.


you should choose the person u wanna get married to. r u gonna be forced cuz that is haram. i think is rude to talk about ppl weight n the color of skin. education is a preference not a must. as long as they study islam n they fear allah. .... god said 3sa an takrho shey wa ho khair lakom wa 3sa an tahbo shy wa howa shran lakom

dont hate somethn which it might be good for u . n dont love somethin n it might be bad for u.


i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing
nothing.
just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help

good that u know that killing ur self is wrong n would have went straight to HELL.. believe me i have thought of doing the same thing. but thank allah i remember n i feared allah .... just do estkhara - pray n ask god to guide u to the straight path n he ll help u for sure.. salamz

Why you don't try to be more active. Have always something to do and don't pay attention to the wedding related stuffs.


Richelieu said once - if you want to destroy a castle, you need a woman for that. Something like that. He used for spy women. He knew the women can do everything. and like was said 2 years means so much.

You do not have alot to look forward to from what yr family have set out for you,but you do not have to accept any of it.No one can just ship you off by force to any place without your consent assuming you are old enough to have to give yr consent.Many girls have stood up for not doing this sort of thing.Be brave and seek some help and guidance.Unfortunately if all were practicing Islam correctly,all muslim women would be very happy all their life.
Take care and be strong.Your life is a gift and though you dont see now,one day you can be happy and put all his behind you.Just dont accept anything unjust toward you.

Personally, there are two optinions in my mind.


What they are doing is against the Quran. I honestly think there are 2 paths.

1. You live with this torture and remain strong and pray. The direness of your situation no doubt constitutes an eternal reward that is great because Allah gave you this test. He gave you this test because he thinks you are strong enough to handle it because no soul is burdened beyond what it can take.

2. They are agains thte Quran and are acting like Kuffars. For shame on them. Get the law on your side and o everything you can to leave then and cut off relations. You are under no obligation to follow such a family.

YES YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS RPOVIDED THAT THEY ARE FOLLOWING THE QURAN. You do not have to stay with them. Get a loan, a job, hire a lawyer. Get restraining orders if they dont go away. And just leave until they straighten out.


It would be a favor for them if you stayed but you certainly do not have to. Members here do not take into account the full context of the situation when saying you are disobeying your parents.

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

ive pulled this up again, because today there was another argument with my mother, with more tears and unkind words.

i did not raise my voice like i usually do but quietly listned to her insults of 'who do u think u r' and no one will marry you, and you will grow old in this house' and 'if your father gets wind of this he will take you to pakistan and beat you infront of everybody'.

........my heart is so bruised, i held back the tears for as long as i could but eventually the pain gave way and they slipped from my eyes and i left the room.I went into a bedroom, and rested my head in my arms and cried, and, then i just went quiet and just sat there thinking.

i know so much advice has already been given to me, but please pray for me..........i feel so alone, so tired, i want to give in sometimes just because im SO tired and exhausted from the tears, headaches, and shouting. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

please pray for me....please remember this broken sister in your Dua's.

After reading your story actually has brought tears to my eyes along with memories I wish I can forget memories that will torment me and ruin me forever.

Let me share something with you I wouldn't normally do this but I think this may help you because you sound just like the way I was. I hated being at home I just wanted to run and hide my home didn’t feel like home. Since I was in my teenage years I did all I could to escape from it but it was always back of my mind bringing me down. I was so angry with everyone and my self I didn’t know where to go I ended up doing some things which now regretful for I ended up doing bad things and trying to revel I know there is no excuse for it and I only have my self to blame for it. As this was never the way it was only my fault that I didn’t see it as a test. I drove my self so far away from my parents to the point where we all lived in same house but never sat around and had a chat my parents knew nothing about me I always spent all my time in my room or watching tele. I was also told I wasn’t good enough for anyone and I should be lucky that I got a chance with the one they wanted me to marry. I was never close to them or never tried to get close to them I just felt they never put my interest at first. I also felt that I couldn’t believe my parents wanted me to marry some one from abroad so I could look after them instead of them looking after me. Not that I need looking after but I wanted my parents to look for someone who can look after me after all I am the girl. But I just couldn’t explain that too my parents without them thinking I think too highly of my self and have high expectations. But I guess that was my fault because I guess I have no right to expect some one to take care of me when im not a very good person my head was already messed up so how could I tell them to find me someone when I didn’t want to be burden on somebody else. I always felt like everything I did was never good enough so I stopped trying but that too was wrong step because by stopping I only stopped my self from gaining what’s good nothing more nothing less than that.

From the time I was a school I always felt I never fitted in cause I was different all I wanted was to be accepted by everyone for who I was. My family are pretty much like yours my mum is religious but we never had religious upbringing mostly cultural. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful may Allah forgive me I always felt that if I had to gain strength I had to get from my self or from friends. I never spoke to anyone in my family regarding any problems or can’t even remember having a proper family conversation. From young age I learned to bottle things up cause what ever I had to say I felt would always be shut out and not listened to so I never used to say much. I always have been bit of a push over that’s what I have told by few people cause I easily feel guilty specially when family members say something believe me I know it hurts and hurts real deep.


All I wanted to do s say to my parent that im ok with marrying who they want but some one compatible but I was never a talker I guess I was too scared either that or I just bottled it all up and tried looking for alternatives start relying on others which I shouldn’t have. It didn’t help the fact the all my friends parents were so layed back and when I used to go to their house I used to love the atmosphere I used love being there I used to envy that so much than I would ask my self more question I used to think why is my parents so backward. But I failed to realise that this was also part of the test and not everything is as they seem every body has their bad times and good times. Every family has their share of problems.

I used to starve my self and sometimes hurt myself yes I know that was wrong and truly I had no patience and sabr and at the end I made even Allah angry with me if only I knew what I know now. Eventhough I used to pray I guess I probably wasn’t sincere enough as I still used to do bad things like put my trust on everything and everyone else but Allah. When I used to be down I used to put my music on to help me with my depression when I should have been listning to the recitation of quran and looking for solutions instead of more problems. My attitude and actions has only led to more problems for me. But Plesse please don’t let your self go so far away from Allah and don’t cause your self so much pain.

I couldn’t even speak to my friends about the problems I was going through as none of them were in the situation and just felt they wont understand and I hated people judging me so I wouldn’t go to anyone for advice. Except for my best friend she knows everything about me but the other people who know me everyone think I have no problem in the world I would always come across as such happy person no matter what I went trhough I would just pretend it wasn’t there I know that was the wrong attitude running away from problems doesn’t make it go away. And the way they knew me the way I was I would not let anyone know what was inside me. I would brush it up with smiles and laughter that was my way of escape. what I was going through I tried to forget all about it and shove it to one side. But I was ony lying to myself it was kike I was living a double life I wanted to be this person that my parents didn’t want. It affected me so much of everyday I always used to search for a way to be some body else living in some one else’s shoes. All my life I had such low confidence no matter what I did I always felt I was never good enough no matter how much I achieved no matter how well I did at my work or studies I felt it mattered to no body. So I gave up at the end when I really should have stayed strong I really struggle to find myself and who was cause I was trying to be so many different people living up to everybody expectation. But I guess We have to accept our selfs before asking or expecting other to accept us.



The thing with my situation my whole family and relative got involved in it. People used to say if you don’t marry the person your parents want you to you will never be happy because your disobeying your parents and this and that will happen to you and allah will curse you cause making all those people cry will not bring me happiness and I believed all that. But that’s no one fault
Now what choices do I have either way people would always put the blame on the girl not each and other people or the effects you went through. So don’t decide to do something when its too late. Worse thing of it all none of it seem real to me I just felt some how sooner or later it will all be over. But hey it was just the begingingEventually some way or another I got married im not even going to go into that some how it was too my fault for being so weak and letting others take control over me and I did some silly things to make the stuations worse for y self. I gave in and got married to some one I let it take control over me. I just wanted to get married to someone else I thought by doing that I can get away with all the pressure and start my life over. It got me so depressed that I got so lost in the situation and caused my
self so much grief and heartache that I lost all direction I was so deep
into the situation that I just wanted out. My self confidence everything
went so low I felt worthless and also felt I wasn't good enough for
anyone. I had everything I wanted I had so many people who loved me an great job but I shut everyone out. I got so fed up of the situation and felt so
trapped that I just wanted out so at the end I just gave in. I was so
angry and frustrated that I didn't care about anything I just wanted it
to be over. I saw it as the easier option. I didn’t think anything through and I didn’t care about anything else I was so deep into getting myself out of the situation I was in I didn't think OF What I was ACTULLY getting my self into. After my marriage I went through bigger problems of denial anger depression you name it. I was so angry with everyone because of my situation. But at the end I realised there was no point of me being angry it wasn’t anyone else’s fault I let things get out of control I was so fed up with things that I didn’t care about myself I just gave up but hey who suffered at the end I did. Because of my attitude towards life I almost let it destroy me the pressure the atmosphere the situation will sooner or later be over but don’t let the take control over your life. The only person I can really blame is my self for not making the best of situation when I could have.

What ever happened to me I don’t know whether it was a punishment or a blessing. I guess I didn’t make it easy on my self when I went through those trals it should have brough the best in me but t brought out the worst in me and I was truly the one to blame for my situation drove my self away from Allah instead of getting close to Allah. Maybe that’s why things had to get to such a extreme level. But what happens just happens and nothing happens without a reason. Because what ever has happened helped me to learn and grow as a person. It has made me the person I am today it has made me so much stronger and has opened my eyes to the important thing in life. It has strengthen my faith in Allah it has helped to strengthen my imaan now when ever im in difficulty I pray and I pray to Allah. I find my peace through my prayers and learning about my religion knowing that im spending my days doing good deeds instead of wasting the days do things that are not important or beneficial.

And another fact that is this life is nothing but a pass time no matter how you spend your day one way or another time will pass you by it will not wait for you. So it’s up to you to use the time and make it useful so that it can benefit you for the real life hereafter. Do you know what fact of life is that once one challenge is over another will begin.

Sister I don’t know if my advice will be any use to you but all I could say to you is your frst step would be to build your relationship with your parents. Sister all I can say to you is this is a test from Allah observe patience and inshallah you will be rewarded. Believe me take it from some one who has been in your position do no I repeat do not give up or give in this will only lead to more problems for your future. This phase this torture will pass you be but if you give in you will have to live with it for the rest of your life and the ONLY person that is going to suffer at the is YOU.


Our parents just try to do what’s best for us they see it as their duty to take care of us and find us a good partner. But as they don’t know how you feel they may not know the effect or be aware of the effects. They too face pressures like us and sometimes than can let it take control over them they may come across as being stricked but they are only trying to what is best. Our parents understanding and our understanding will differ try to find the balance. Try to build your relationship with them through stages take simple steps first before you get down to the crunch. Try to get close to your dad make him nice cup of tea or something lol try to have regular conversation with them just to break the ice. Sometimes we have to put the extra effort into the situation if we want things to change.

Always keep back of your mind no parent would deliberately put their child to go through what your going through. They either doit out of the pressures they face with society or culture. I can’t stress to you how important communication is try talking to your mum when she is good mood. Start building relationship with them have a little chit chat at least once a day so it gives you the chance to be more close to them. Than you can start telling them how you really feel no one will know what you’re going through unless you talk it over.

Remember your parents are not always going to be here so make the most the time you have with them don’t take them for granted or don’t let anything come between you to make your relationship fall you never know when it maybe too late. Always remember parents blessings are most important blessings a child can ever have. Do all you can from your part to make your parents understand your point of view.

Just remember one thing the longer you let something spill the longer it will take to clean up after it.

But you have the chance to change it all around learn from others experience don’t let your self drown in your problems. Problems are just part of life its up to you how tackle it even the worst of situation you have the option to make it make it better and come out as a winner.

All those people will not live your life for you. I strongly believe we should listen to our parents as they are the most precious gift but when it comes to marriage think it through explain to your parents your reasons or get one of the close family member to speak to them who you can trust.



Its only after hard work and struggle you can really taste the sweetness of victory and always remember Allah sees and hears everything Allah knows how much of pain your in allah does not look at who you are or how you look but he only looks to see what is in your heart. Just Knowing that Allah knows your pain that should make you feel at ease.

Allah knows what your going through he sees everything every drop of tear every pain in your heart when ever you feel angry or feel down take you complain to Allah turn it in to a dua ask Allah to give you strength courage to cope. And ask Alah to make your path easy for you and ask for what is good for you. Whatever your feeling tell Allah communicate directly. When you are upset make nufl salah and ask for Allahs help.

This is your opportunity to do good more good that you do more you will be rewarded. Inshallah with time you will see your situation changing.


Life is all balance of good and bad life is not always going to go the same way if your going through hard time now be thankful that you have chance to become closer to Allah. Look around you every thing from outside may look fine but when you look deep in you will see that every human on this earth is stricken and tested with one thing or another. Its only through the test and hardship that makes us stronger.

In life we will be tested its up to us to take it up on our selfs to see the good in every situation. You are control of your own destiny what you do today determines the effects of tomorrow so please please make sincere dua to Allah and pour your heart and soul out cause Allah is the only one who can really help us and give sustence to us. Dua is such a powerful weapon that it can turn your life around. But in order for any change to happen we have to change our self. Things would be meaningless if we just got what we wanted without putting the effort into it. Like when you prepare for a exam you have to sometimes revise so hard that you feel like giving up. But once you get the result you wanted you appreciate it so much cause you know you worked so hard for it and the feeling is so rewarding. Just like that this is another test which you have to prepare for and one day you will look back and be so grateful for it belive me.

Everyone is tested Our beloved prophet (p.b.u.h.)and hes folloers were one of the best of people and they went through so much trial. If they were put through so much trial do not think we would be tested too. How could we ever feel pain of others or appreciate things if we don’t feel pain ourselves.

Pray to allah and make dua to allah and ask allah for what you want trust allah is the one who can grant it to you.

Never feel alone shaytan will play with your mind it wants you to fall and it wants you to give up hope but always remember your never alone people around you love and care for you. Never doubt you’re self or let another person bring you down. Were all humans no one person is greater than other. Allah has given all of us brain and intellect to act and think on. Every person has the capability to make a difference the world doesn’t make us who we are we make the world what it is. When you think back and analyse the work of great leaders you will realise that they were also just another person like you and me but they created great things because they believed in their self and they had a passion which drove them to the result. It goes to show everyone is capable it’s just up to you to find your determination.

Don’t let words get you down your parents do love you they only saying those things out of anger ad people always say things they don’t mean out of anger.

Just ask your self one question which would you rather have rushing into a marriage and realising your not happy or making the change whilst you got a chance marriage is such a big thing take your time when choosing a spouse make sure they are suitable for you. Look for the one who is righteous and pious and can take care of you. You doubting or putting your self down is not gonna get you the best spouse. Just make dua and ask allah to grant you happiness.

But sister there is a lesson to learn from every aspect of our life if I never went through the tribulation I probably never had the chance to be the person I am today who is so much stronger and tolerant. because if I had strong imaan than I would have known better and if I knew my religion better I maybe would have been able to save my self. But instead I ran far away from it because eventhough I used to pray I guess I never had enough knowledge on islam.

Remember sister don’t hold hate or anger towards others when the only person you’ll generate more hate towards is your self at the end you will cause your self despair. Always remember the teavhing of our beloved prophet always be nice to some one even when they not exactly nice to you. Because you will be rewarded according to your deed and they will be rewarded according to theirs.

Sister good times and bad times are part of life. Have you ever wondered to your self how fast time passes you by and how quick a day goes by? Ask your self what you were feeling yesterday was that any importance to the way you feel today. Matter of fact is that today is just another day and inshallah if you meant to live than it will just pass by like all the other days.

What really is important of each day is the way you spend your day the things you actually do to make better out of your situation. you can sit there and build anger towards yourself and everyone else around you like I used to. But we both know that was a waste of time instead spend your days wisely today is the day you can make difference for tomorrow.

'Al-Ghazali said,"If you see Allah, Mighty and Magnificent, holding back this world from you, frequently trying you with adversity and tribulation, know that you hold a great status with Him. Know that He is dealing with you as He does with His Awliya' and chosen elite, and is watching over you, have you not heard His saying, "So wait steadfastly for the judgment of your Lord - you are certainly before Our eyes.
{At-Tur 52:48}""


Whatever you’re going through, He knows and just knowing that should bring about so much relief, cos if Allah knows of the pain or difficulty you’re going through then He has the power to bring the ease to you too as Verily with hardship comes ease; verily with hardship comes ease.” [al-Sharh: 5-6]

Last but not least pray pray read the quran and make dua to Allah. Inshallah I pray that Allah will make your path easy for you and all the best with your future. There some really good quotes on the forum from other post have look through some of them they may help to find some comfort. If you need any advice just post Take care sister. Assalamualikum

Sorry this is long hope I haven’t offended you in any ways or upset you. And I hope that I haven’t said anything wrong or gave any advice which may lead to wrong actions may Allah forgive me.

Jazakallah kair

Is that the question to me or the original post

Dear Brother,
There is a urdu saying "Naummidi Kufr hai" May Allah help you in avoiding this marriage. You must be knowing that a truthful consent to a maariage is compulsory otherwise it can not be called a true and legal marriage. At the time of nikkah when the Qazi asks for your consent you can planly deny for the relation and also explain to the public that the arrangement of your nikah is by force. All the God fearing people will surely help you to come out of this, InsaAllah.