desperate and in complete despair for the first time in my life

i come from a typical, non practising, pakistani family with backward ideas
i am the only one who tries to practise but even thats been put on hold now, because of my deprression.

In a years time or maybe 2 years if the are extremely lenient, i will be shipped to pakistan to marry a cousin, uneductaed, obese, dark (not thats theres anything wrong with being dark), and without a speck of imaan, someone who lies and cheats in the footsteps of his and my wider family.

i am a very cheery member of this forum and have been since it first began. you wud be suprised if i revealed my identity!, for the first time in my life, i have felt complete and utter despair. i have been thru alot in my short life, my childhood was loveless and brutal, i suffered migraines as a child!!, and now i expected things to get better, have waited for so long, just to find this!.

if suicide wasnt harm, i would have long ended my life (as i attempted many times in my childhood)
if drinking wasnt haram, i would drink unitl i wud pass out.

but i can do nothing
nothing.
just sit here and hear the blood pound in my head

plz help