Married Virgin

[mathematician]

jazakAllahu khairan Alpha Dude.
My understanding was that the person was saying as long as your husband doesn't harm you then it's ok to stay in the current situation of your marriage.
I misunderstood.

 

[Ansariyah]

wow I can't believe how rude some people are on here. This is such a sensitive issue for the sister, if u guys don't have an ounce of shame or respect in ur bone, I suggest u stop n go do something else. N why u posting under anonymous, maybe u are ashamed? Guilty? I can't believe it that some of u are encouraging divorce for a couple that loves each other this much!

This is wat I got to say to the sista. I truly admire u, u are one amazing sister to have so much patience. Stand by ur husband through this, InshaAllah I will make dua that Moroco will open beautiful doors for u in ur life ameen. This IS life, This is LOVE. Despite all the struggles u been through ur still together MashaAllah!!. May Allah grant u righteous offsrpring ameen.: )

 

[Al-Zaara]

I remember this thread and have been wondering what happened, I'm glad you posted again but sad to hear you're still struggling. InshaAllah, Morroco will be good for your relationship, his and your self-confidence. He sounds so wonderful and he wants you, only you, that's like a dream come true! Don't give up, sis. Please, protect yourself against the evil eye, inshaAllah! Make lots of dua. Talk with him. I sincerely hope things will go better!!!

 

[Ansariyah]

Sorry Sista, I went on to read ur other post. I see ur shy (MashaAllah), n feel like it's ur fault, but sis it's no ones fault. U are both so lucky to have each other, as u can see in this thread some people don't have the tolerance/patience u have. Allah gave u the most beautiful gift, Love & patience. U are very fortunate, so is ur husband.

There are people who have done it(sorry theres no better way to say it), but are lacking the love u have, this beautiful bond u both have.

Anyone can do wat u havent done yet, but how many can be given the Love that ALlah has given u? MashaAllah, May Allah protect this blessing he bestowed upon u from the evil eye ameen.

 

[anonymous]

Sister, there are some trustworthy people you can contact to find out whether this is the evil eye or magic etc.

Please see here:

http://forums.alkauthar.org/showthread.php?t=6183

Please find out and seek appropriate help. may Allaah help u overcome your problems and protect your marriage. Aameen.

:salamext:

Four years is a very long time for a couple who are attracted to and love each other. Judging by what you have told us, it seems unlikely that it is (just) a matter of lack of communication.

As for going through child abuse, that could be the cause. But many people get over that when they get married and have a good and happy relationship with their spouse.

There could be a possibility that your husband or/and you are under the influence and effects of Sihr (Magic) which is making him unable to have marital relations. As well as what others have told you, I would advise you to consult a righteous person with a sound aqeedah who has knowledge and expertise in the field of dealing with the Jinns and find out. Just incase the problem is being caused by a shaytaan Jinn. Because if your problem is being caused due to interference from magic, then no doctor or counselling will help it go away, even if they were top in their field. They don’t have the complete cure because they reject the reality of Jinn and their effects in our lives proven and confirmed in the Qur’aan and Ahadith.

And it is because of this reality of magic and shaytaans forces, that the Prophet :arabic5: has told us many invocations to read, in order to protect ourselves and our families from the harm caused by it. Such as al-mu’awwizaat (Chapters 112, 113, 114 in Qur’aan), Ayaat al Kursi etc. I don’t know if u read them already, but if u don’t, I would strongly advise that you start to.

Aameen. And it is due to the jealousy and envy of others that they try to harm man and his wife, but no harm can they do except what Allaah wills.

Ask Him to help you, especially during the last part of the night because that is when He descends to the lowest of Heavens and responds to those calling out to Him .

And Allaah alone grants success.

 

[Intisar]

Selam aleykum
To all those who post advice anonymous,
Why do you feel the need to post anonymous, is it perhaps because you fear that people will dislike you based on what you said? Perhaps you should consider this urge to post advice anonymously as a sign that your advice isn't really that good, since you don't want the post to be associated with your name?

The sister came here for advice with a difficult and complex situation, not to hear the anonymous judgement of some people who don't appear to grasp the difficulty of the situation.

I agree, I also feel like they're abusing the anonymous account function. It's annoying.

Just give them Islamic advice, and if you can't, then simple..don't post in this thread. Sheesh.

May Allaah bring y'all closer together insha'Allaah. Ameen. :wub:

 

[Muhaba]

there may be several reasons for your problem:
one thing you should acertain is whether your husband is impotent. If he is, then there are medications for that and he should talk to a doctor about it. If not, then it may be that he has a western upbringing and may not believe it is right to make love to an unwilling partner. Since he has repeatedly tried being close to you, it may be that your behavior is causing him to stay away.

so you need to analyze your behavior. are you responsive or do you freeze up and not do anything? while eastern men might not mind women who just lie there doing nothing, western men are not used to it and want a responsive partner. Therefore, if youre not kissing back, stroking him, telling him you love him and want him, then you are giving him the feeling that you aren't ready which keeps him from proceeding.

So before you blame his past, you need to seriously analyze your behavior. You can also read some western romance novels to see how women act in bed. One website is http://www.eharlequin.com/articlelist.html;jsessionid=B87C64753220C06D6C85A906693025A2 with romance stories written by real published authors. you can read http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1423&chapter=5 to see what how one virgin acts and i'm only suggesting this to put light on your problem. I am in no way encouraging ppl to read romance .

another thing that may be affecting your marital life is sihr, since you already said that people wanted you to marry their relatives, so they may have done sihr so the marriage would be unsuccessful and you would end up getting divorced.

it seems like sihr is the likely reason, as your family don't seem to suggest treatment for the infertility. did theyask whether youwent to a doctor or not? why are they putting the blame on your husband, the woman can also be infertile, not just the husband. So why are they looking for ahusband for you?

The solution to this is reading the various surahs and verses to protect you and your husband as well as all your belongings from the effects of sihr and evil eye.
Another thing you can do is to go to another city for a few days and stay in a hotel to see whether your behavior changes there. Try to take only newly bought items (clothes, bags, shoes, etc) with you as the ones in your house may have had sihr done on them.

If these don't work and the problem really lies with your husband, then you need to seriously tell him that you want to consummate the marriage right now and he should make love to you even if you seem afraid. (might be a good idea to do it in the dark so he can't see your face.) Tell him that if he doesn't then you will have to go to a marriage counselor (who have helped by digging up the past and bringing fears to the surface and helping couples over come them. ) If marriage counseling doesn't work, then you need to ask whether you are willing to live your life in such a marriage. do istikhaara and if you aren't happy in this marriage,better to end it while you're still young and can get other husband easily. If you wait many years, then you might not be able to remarry, so you need to take all that into consideration.

May Allah help solve your problems and make your marriage a happy one!

 

[Ali_008]

Its an unbelievable scenario. Many people long for a companion for all sorts of reasons and the sister's case sounds tragic to me. As always, I'd say communication is the key. I think, they should just talk it through and stop hurting each other. Others have given quite meaningful advice, I have nothing to add to it. Make loads and loads and loads of Dua. Inshallah, I'll make Dua too for you

 

[anonymous]

Wa alaykum salam,

My reply was toward mathematician, Steve.

Well, bro. You quoted this:

if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.

And said it was bad advice. How is it bad? It's basically saying she shouldn't be afraid of her husband and let him have sex with her. So your reply:

I think that if the prophet peace be upon him heard of such a situation he would tell the man to divorce the woman if he cannot fulfill the most important part of marriage.
This is no joke. So to say "just go with the flow" needs much more thinking.

To me doesn't make sense.

Barakallahu feek and spot on!

if you know your husband and know that he isn't going to harm you in any way, then just go with the flow.

But im going to add on to my previous advice and say the problem is coming from both you and your husband.

If you need to get over your shyness, then (and with all due respect here) i also think that his problems need to be addressed also becuase in all honesty i am seeing 2 sides to the problem; From both of you. There seems to be something stopping both of you and you really need to get to the bottom of it. Talk to one another and just be really open and honest because well isn't any way around it.

And to those who think that love conquers all, im sorry, but love doesn't always cut it People desire kids and if they cant get kids, then whats the next best option?

 

[mathematician]

Ok I will post this here. You guys are scaring me out.
sihr? Do you think sihr is the reason for this sister's situation?
Is it that powerful? I am not saying that in disdain or scorn upon that idea.
But if it is true, then that's scary to me.
What I also wonder is why is it that when someone has some problems here in the West they will look for past experiences like childhood experiences to find the reasons for the current behaviour.
With us muslims we seem to attribute a lot to sihr. I am not smart in that field. I am a mathematician

 

[ayesha309]

One of the first uses of sihr was to cause harm to the relationship of husband and wife, to break the bond the husband and wife have. Sihr could defeintly be a causal factor in this sister's problem. Sister I would sincerely advise you, like other said, to read ayat ul kursi, and the four quls after fajr, after maghrib and before you go to bed. The last 2 quls are called the mudhatain (i dunno how to spell it) and Insha'Allah it will save you from further magic, and remove any magic from you, (if there is some) as these are the words of Allah. So sis, just recite that, and do lots of dua. Also, like others suggested, go somewhere, even if its just for a weekend, but just go for a vacation Insha'Allah. May Allah ease your burdens, resolve your problems and bless you with beautiful righteous offsprings. Ameen.

 

[sweetgujjigal]

salaams sis

i just come on after long tym on here and your post brought tears to my eyes, mashallah you have a really decent loving, caring, husband n the qualities that alot of women look for in a man, you shouldn't blame yourself fro anything and don't be scared of your parents asking you and making any decisions for you, you can talk with your mum or dad even ur elder sisters or cousins they may all be able to help you in a way, whoever you feel more comfortable with, and most importantly tawk with your husband even though he is still a virgin he may be more shy than you, you need to both open up your feelings, if he doesnt then start telling him your feelings and tell him to open up to you, this will make it really easy for you both,even if you have a laugh and joke this will help you get close, children are a blessing from ALLAH, but if you don't feel comfortable yet try to, and don't let any1 pressure you into doing this, take the steps together with your partner, just be open with your partner inshallah keep praying and evrything is in ALLAH (S.W.T) hands

be happy keep smiling, only you and your partner knows what is goin on between you both, don't let anyone ever bring you or your marriage down.
tcre always and may ALLAH help you through your beautiful life inshallahtaala AMEEN :statisfie xxxx

 

[Alphadude]

there may be several reasons for your problem:
one thing you should acertain is whether your husband is impotent. If he is, then there are medications for that and he should talk to a doctor about it. If not, then it may be that he has a western upbringing and may not believe it is right to make love to an unwilling partner. Since he has repeatedly tried being close to you, it may be that your behavior is causing him to stay away.

so you need to analyze your behavior. are you responsive or do you freeze up and not do anything? while eastern men might not mind women who just lie there doing nothing, western men are not used to it and want a responsive partner. Therefore, if youre not kissing back, stroking him, telling him you love him and want him, then you are giving him the feeling that you aren't ready which keeps him from proceeding.

So before you blame his past, you need to seriously analyze your behavior. You can also read some western romance novels to see how women act in bed. One website is http://www.eharlequin.com/articlelist.html;jsessionid=B87C64753220C06D6C85A906693025A2 with romance stories written by real published authors. you can read http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1423&chapter=5 to see what how one virgin acts and i'm only suggesting this to put light on your problem. I am in no way encouraging ppl to read romance .

another thing that may be affecting your marital life is sihr, since you already said that people wanted you to marry their relatives, so they may have done sihr so the marriage would be unsuccessful and you would end up getting divorced.

it seems like sihr is the likely reason, as your family don't seem to suggest treatment for the infertility. did theyask whether youwent to a doctor or not? why are they putting the blame on your husband, the woman can also be infertile, not just the husband. So why are they looking for ahusband for you?

The solution to this is reading the various surahs and verses to protect you and your husband as well as all your belongings from the effects of sihr and evil eye.
Another thing you can do is to go to another city for a few days and stay in a hotel to see whether your behavior changes there. Try to take only newly bought items (clothes, bags, shoes, etc) with you as the ones in your house may have had sihr done on them.

If these don't work and the problem really lies with your husband, then you need to seriously tell him that you want to consummate the marriage right now and he should make love to you even if you seem afraid. (might be a good idea to do it in the dark so he can't see your face.) Tell him that if he doesn't then you will have to go to a marriage counselor (who have helped by digging up the past and bringing fears to the surface and helping couples over come them. ) If marriage counseling doesn't work, then you need to ask whether you are willing to live your life in such a marriage. do istikhaara and if you aren't happy in this marriage,better to end it while you're still young and can get other husband easily. If you wait many years, then you might not be able to remarry, so you need to take all that into consideration.

May Allah help solve your problems and make your marriage a happy one!

i agree with muhaba, i have heard things like relatives or some 1 close to you use black magic etc to make the relationship not work or similler, go on a holiday just the 2 of you and you must make the first move.

 

[جوري]

Does the sister know if her husband has an anatomical problem or genetic problem? perhaps there is a very good reason things are the way they are.. I think the thread is evolving in a strange fashion and I am not sure I like all this talk about black magic.. I think there is a very logical explanation for all of this, but there are intimate details that we don't know and we really shouldn't know..

only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best

 

[Alphadude]

Does the sister know if her husband has an anatomical problem or genetic problem? perhaps there is a very good reason things are the way they are.. I think the thread is evolving in a strange fashion and I am not sure I like all this talk about black magic.. I think there is a very logical explanation for all of this, but there are intimate details that we don't know and we really shouldn't know..

only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best

i was going to say the same thing b4 but i tought the sister wont like it or not a good thing to say its possible he may have anatomical problem or genetic problem but what is the main thing that they have been together for very long time if there was something like that the sister would have known and if not then she should ask him,dont wait sister its already been so long im shy person iswell but if i spend some time with some 1 then im open about everything, please let us know.

 

[alcurad]

only the sis can answer this to herself. Has she ever seen her husband fully and vice versa? if not then I think there are a few viable and logical medical explanations for this, and many of them can be remedied in fact.. even genetic factors like Kleinfelter's or (PMD) syndrome.. if the problem is neither genetic nor anatomical but psychological, then that too can be remedied.. Marriage is for better or for worst, and if she loves this man, then there is no reason she should be honest with him and ask him his reasons armed with the three choices above( anatomical/ genetic/ psychological), and then they can take it from there...

insha'Allah khyer and Allah swt knows best

very true

 

[cat eyes]

salaam sister

you sound like a very pious sister mashallaah...

but can i ask you did he actually tell you something of this serious nature happened to him as a child? or is he just making you think things.. please forgive me but people are not always as they seem and i don't like thinking the worst of people

but this is just to odd like its just kind of surprizes me that how you can be shy infront of his own wife after all this time..... and how he can't open up unless hes hiding a more serious thing that would actually hurt you... its just your description of your husband seems almost to good to be true. i can see that you got married very young and you still are very young but because of your age, people can take advantage of you, its easy for that person to pull the wool over your eyes and lie to you and you will believe because you are just young........


and have you not tried to touch him and make him hot? hahaah i got sexually activ at 17 and when i got married, lets just say there was alot of action ;D

 

[markislam]

hope it all works out for you guys

 

[markislam]

sister i honestly feel this post should have been placed in the sisters section

 

[جوري]

While I agree with you, not all sisters have access to the sisters section, and hence anonymous accounts were created (I believe) for that purpose though I maybe mistaken...