Frustrations in getting married

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, brother Who Am I

I will start with quote your post in another thread.

I myself admit that I don't really know how to deal with women. I have been told my whole life that women don't need me, and I don't know how to handle that. I want to be loved, and I want to be needed, and I am not, and it bothers me.

Do not expect a woman who need you, because this is same you expect a woman who want to depend on you. There's no woman who want to depend on men, there's no wife who want to depend on her husband. Same like there's no man who want to depend on woman, there's no husband who want to depend on his wife.

I am sure, you must be do not want to depend on someone too. So, do not expect a woman who need you, but try to find a woman who would accept you as her "friend in life".

Basically husband and wife are couple of "friend in life" who made a commitment to build a family. They live together in their life, in happiness and in sadness. They do not depend on each other, but they support each other.

Brother, you must be have friends, and maybe including female friends. But what made you accept them as your friends? because they are handsome or beautiful? because they are rich?. I am sure no. You accept them because they could accept you. And you like then because they are honest.

"Honest" which I mean is, they are not pretend as someone else, but they become themselves. I am sure you will not like a friend who act like someone else. Just like them, they like you because you are not pretend as someone else, but you become yourself.

So, always be yourself if you want someone can accept you. Do not try to be someone else. In example, you are quiet person but act like talkative person.

And if you want a woman to accept you, you first have to accept a woman too, with her advantages and disadvantages. Do not refuse a woman just because she is not beautiful, or not popular. Then she will accept you too although you are not (excuse me) handsome or popular.

Do not ever thinking there's no woman who can accept you.

About be loved. Brother, love is not 'game of take and give', but 'game of give ad take'. If you want to be loved, you must first be able to love.

Read my post in post #351, but forget about beauty. You don't need to expect a woman who look beautiful in all people eyes, but choose a woman who know how to maintain herself to make her always look good. Basically every woman has her own beauty, and if you love a woman, she will look beautiful in your eyes.

 

[ardianto]

You run a marriage bureau or somethin'?

brother ardianto always seems to have a lot to say about women and marriage...

I love to observe and learn human behavior since I was kid, and I have seen many events, many cases, including love stories and marriage life. And I always took a lesson from what I have observed.

But why now I often write posts about love and marriage? ... It's because brother Salahudeen.

He made a thread about propose a marriage, and it's remind me to my life when I was "The Lucky Guy". Like open the Pandora Box, all the memories that have been stored were flying out. That's made me smile and laugh for few days!. My wife to be surprised, but I did not tell her why.

Then I began to realize, there are people here who have problem in build or maintain marriage. It's raised an idea "Hey, why don't I share what I know?".

Now I plan to write articles about how to live happily in marriage, such as what the new married people should do, when the wife is in pregnancy, parenting, how to handle quarrel, live with in-laws, etc. But I need time, I need more observation and more references. For this time I just want to tell a message "Marriage is not scary thing. Marriage would be beautiful if we know the right ways to live in it".

 

[Who Am I?]

Assalamualaikum, brother Who Am I

I will start with quote your post in another thread.


Do not expect a woman who need you, because this is same you expect a woman who want to depend on you. There's no woman who want to depend on men, there's no wife who want to depend on her husband. Same like there's no man who want to depend on woman, there's no husband who want to depend on his wife.

I am sure, you must be do not want to depend on someone too. So, do not expect a woman who need you, but try to find a woman who would accept you as her "friend in life".

Basically husband and wife are couple of "friend in life" who made a commitment to build a family. They live together in their life, in happiness and in sadness. They do not depend on each other, but they support each other.

Brother, you must be have friends, and maybe including female friends. But what made you accept them as your friends? because they are handsome or beautiful? because they are rich?. I am sure no. You accept them because they could accept you. And you like then because they are honest.

"Honest" which I mean is, they are not pretend as someone else, but they become themselves. I am sure you will not like a friend who act like someone else. Just like them, they like you because you are not pretend as someone else, but you become yourself.

So, always be yourself if you want someone can accept you. Do not try to be someone else. In example, you are quiet person but act like talkative person.

And if you want a woman to accept you, you first have to accept a woman too, with her advantages and disadvantages. Do not refuse a woman just because she is not beautiful, or not popular. Then she will accept you too although you are not (excuse me) handsome or popular.

Do not ever thinking there's no woman who can accept you.

About be loved. Brother, love is not 'game of take and give', but 'game of give ad take'. If you want to be loved, you must first be able to love.

Read my post in post #351, but forget about beauty. You don't need to expect a woman who look beautiful in all people eyes, but choose a woman who know how to maintain herself to make her always look good. Basically every woman has her own beauty, and if you love a woman, she will look beautiful in your eyes.

Well the first step is for me to love myself before I can think about loving anyone else. You're right about everything else, but I have to learn to accept myself for who I am before I can accept anyone else or have anyone else accept me.

 

[GuestFellow]

I love to observe and learn human behavior since I was kid, and I have seen many events, many cases, including love stories and marriage life. And I always took a lesson from what I have observed.

Salaam,

You should really study Psychology.

 

[ardianto]

You should really study Psychology.

I was familiar with psychlogy and psychologists when I was kid.

I was familiar with psychology because I wanted to be a psychologist in the future. I started learn basic of psychology and even made some psychological research. And I was familiar with psychologists because I was a 'weird boy'. It made school and people around me gave special attention. School called a psychologist to interview me, and later sent me to a senior psychologist. It's not a pleasant experience for a kid, I felt like in interrogation.

I was still wanted to be a psychologist, but there was a problem. Psychology faculty was rare, only in certain universities in certain cities. So, I studied economic in Yogyakarta, then back to Bandung after my dad passed away. But I still had interest to psychology, and usually I used psychological point of view to understand economic.

Then I establish my business, but I fell into bankruptcy several years later. I lost many things, my company, my house, my cars, my money. I tried to raise again, but failed, failed, and failed again. It made me fell into bad depression. I often angry, got nightmares, even sometime I laugh alone, and I lost my confidence. It really made my wife so sad, but Alhamdulillah, she has a good patience.

One day I got a motivational training, and it slightly raised my self-esteem. I began to retrace the journey of my life, since I was born. I made a "psychological reconstruction" such as environment where I was growing up, how people treated me, mind set of people who made interaction with me, etc. But the most important is what were psychological effect that I got. And I began to understand why I made many mistakes. Alhamdulillah, that's made me able to leave my depresion and start my life again.

Okay, back to your idea to study psychology. Thanks, bro. But the problem is I have no time to study in university, and also it's not available in Open University. So, I have left my dream to have a degree in psychology. But I consider an activity as a motivator. Of course I need to learn more.

 

[Abdullahi E]

Wa Alikum Assalaam Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuh

why not being married till this moment?

cause the time of the one whom Allah had written for me didn`t come yet or maybe there is none for me ...Allah knows...and I am happy no matter what Alhamdulilah , cause I believe that whatever Allah had written for me is the best and it will be the best forever...All Praise, Thanks and Glory be to Allah ...

May Allah grant all the Muslims in this world his/her perfect match and if not in this world then in Al Firdaws which I am beging Allah to have mercy on us and make us enter it without being reckoning...Ameeeeeeeeen

masalah may Allah bless u my sis but if it is like that i mean u will wate untill Allah bringb 4 u , then stop goin to work or put urself infront of car and say Allah will save me , true thier is Allah qadar but Allah told us to work for geting rizqe so u have to bring the reson then Allah will givve us inshaala, look a best hassabendmy sis , may Allah protect u and all muslims ameen

 

[iman1981]

I thought you all might be interested in the following course which deals the subject of frustrations when trying to get married, its by Imam Yassir Fazaga (who has a wealth of experience in this field - check out youtube videos).
I've copied the facebook message below

Iman

---
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BEFORE YOU SAY 'I DO' & After you have!

Attention all singletons and married couples…


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• Why marriages fail and how to save a failing marriage
• Sexual intimacy - its place in a marriage and addressing the myths
• The art of loving and being lovable
• The distinction between Islam and culture in issues of relationships
• Surviving the loss of love/marriage

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• You are a parent and want to understand how to deal with relationship issues that your children will and are facing

What will I get from this course?
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Imam Yassir Fazaga (USA)
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[CosmicPathos]

well I do appreciate br ardianto's commentary on the topic of marriage etc, but I do not think he understands the behaviors of males and females from the context of biological evolution and sexual selection. Human behaviour is much more than that can be covered in psychology. I am glad that psychology is now moving to biopsychosocial model which accepts that human behaviors are determined by genes and their prodcuts, are not just the workings of mind.

I have attended weddings of many a professional Pakistani Muslim females who married men from other races. Everyone was told that the guys have accepted Islam etc and we were all happy, I found out later that it was just a ploy for the Pakistani Muslim community to accept the marriage. The guy was anti-religion and had not sincerely accepted Islam. And the so-called Muslim Pakistani girl was happy to marry him.

So I guess Muslim females have nothing but to resort to marrying non-Muslim men.

 

[GuestFellow]

Human behaviour is much more than that can be covered in psychology. I am glad that psychology is now moving to biopsychosocial model which accepts that human behaviors are determined by genes and their prodcuts, are not just the workings of mind.

Just wondering, does the environment have any effect on genes? Just curious...

 

[CosmicPathos]

Just wondering, does the environment have any effect on genes? Just curious...

I would be naive to say no. Environment does have effect on genes, especially those traits which do not follow Mendellian genetics or which have less than 100% penetrance.

But to say that if someone has an oncogene and they wont get cancer just cuz the environment is right is a bit naive. If someone has a mutation that gives the cell the ability to divide ad infinitum, they will get cancer regardless of what the environment is.

 

[ardianto]

well I do appreciate br ardianto's commentary on the topic of marriage etc, but I do not think he understands the behaviors of males and females from the context of biological evolution and sexual selection.

Biology is not my field. I studied biology only until grade 10 in high school. In grade 11 school put me in social major. Then I focus on social science, and studied economic in university.

But marriage is not only biological relationship which only to produce descendants.

Human behaviour is much more than that can be covered in psychology. I am glad that psychology is now moving to biopsychosocial model which accepts that human behaviors are determined by genes and their prodcuts, are not just the workings of mind.

There are some people poor people from a big family who could leave their poverty, while other members in the family could not. I found those who could leave poverty have better mindset than the other. Also they have behavior in work that rather quite different than the others.

Is it because genetic factor?

My further research showed those people had close interaction with people who have better mindset than their family mindset. This is a result of my research when I examined the correlation between poverty and ignorance. I studied in economic, remember?.

If they have better mindset because genetic factor, why their relatives or even their siblings have different mindset?

I have attended weddings of many a professional Pakistani Muslim females who married men from other races. Everyone was told that the guys have accepted Islam etc and we were all happy, I found out later that it was just a ploy for the Pakistani Muslim community to accept the marriage. The guy was anti-religion and had not sincerely accepted Islam. And the so-called Muslim Pakistani girl was happy to marry him.

So I guess Muslim females have nothing but to resort to marrying non-Muslim men.

If you diligently follow the threads about marriage you must be know why those professional Pakistani Muslim females chose men from other races as their husbands.

 

[Who Am I?]

Unfortunately, non-Muslim men "converting" to Islam for the purpose of marriage seems to be a bit of a problem. I have talked to a few sisters online who have had to deal with this.

This is one reason I am not interested in marriage at this time. I don't want the local Muslims to think that I'm just preying upon their women.

Then there's the whole annoying self-esteem issues and desire for self-improvement...

 

[ardianto]

I don't want the local Muslims to think that I'm just preying upon their women.

Don't worry bro, no one will thinking you are entering Islam just to prey Muslim women. Cases which men pretend to convert to Islam just to marry Muslim women always happened with same scenario, those men meet Muslim women, attracted and wanted to marry those women, but those women requires those men to convert to Islam if they want to marry them.

 

[Who Am I?]

Don't worry bro, no one will thinking you are entering Islam just to prey Muslim women. Cases which men pretend to convert to Islam just to marry Muslim women always happened with same scenario, those men meet Muslim women, attracted and wanted to marry those women, but those women requires those men to convert to Islam if they want to marry them.

I know no Muslim women outside of the internet, so that's certainly not the case with me. No, I just want to be a better man. If and when I accomplish that, then I will certainly consider marrying a pious sister. But not before.

 

[Sothis Girl]

I'm very frustrated I have to marry because I'm not a feminine woman who could cook or taking care of household. My future husband said I'm permitted to work, but all feminine (a.k.a. wife's) tasks frustrated me. Not to mention if I get pregnant so fast, that's so scary!hew

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

^ If you are not feminine, you are feminist?

 

[SFatima]

I'm very frustrated I have to marry because I'm not a feminine woman who could cook or taking care of household. My future husband said I'm permitted to work, but all feminine (a.k.a. wife's) tasks frustrated me. Not to mention if I get pregnant so fast, that's so scary!hew

First of all you must calm down and relax. You seem to be rushing into too many things at one time. You dont have to do all the things all at once, develop some patience, ask Allah swt to guide you to the right decision with the right frame of mind, there's nothing as fairy tale about marriage as most perceive. And there are a few roles that are mostly a feminine responsibility within a marriage, if you're not ready to assume those responsibilities, you're not ready for a marriage, yet. Work on improving your knowledge, and your deen by action, patience and perseverance. OR if you think that marriage will solve your personal problems or issues, you're mistaken. So please dear sister, think over whats bothering you, why its bothering you, what is the 'right' solution, and how you fare in dealing with it. All the best.

 

[ardianto]

I'm very frustrated I have to marry because I'm not a feminine woman who could cook or taking care of household. My future husband said I'm permitted to work, but all feminine (a.k.a. wife's) tasks frustrated me. Not to mention if I get pregnant so fast, that's so scary!

If you always wear man's clothes, walk and talk like a man, you can say you are not feminine woman. But I am sure you are not a woman like this. So, don't regard yourself as not a feminine woman.

I have some tomboyish female friends. And from what I know they have "feminine souls" in themselves. Now they have been married and have kids.

I guess, you are type of independent woman who can fulfill your needs by yourself and not depend on a man. But you are afraid, marriage will put you under your husband which you must always do anything under his command and depend on him.

Yah, there are marriage like this which relationship between husband and wife like relationship between master and servant. But there are many marriage which husbands and wives are living as equal partners. The wife is not under the husband, but besides the husband.

If your future husband said you are permitted to work after getting married, it's seem like he treat you as equal partner and will not put you below of him. So, you don't need to be worry if you have a husband like this.

My wife was working woman when we were getting married. I allowed her to still work and did not force her became a housewife. She often cooked for me not because I forced her to cook, but because she wanted to cook for me and I could not cook. And we did house duties like washing, iron the clothes, or clean up the house together.

We were getting married on October 1994. Our first kid was born on August 1998, and she was still working in a bank until early of 1999 when government liquidated many banks. My wife lost her job. Many of her colleagues tried to get new job, but my wife decided to turn into fulltime housewife although I gave her freedom to looking for a new job if she wants.

 

[peace_maker]

For me (and most women), the most frustrating thing would be that we'll have to leave our family for this one guy?! :exhausted Why should we leave our parents who gave birth to us and raised us and educated us and fulfilled all our needs?? Then... this frustration would cool down, if the husband balances it. But, the frustration gets even frustrating when the husbands fails to do so. When he treats her inferior, bosses her, wants everything "perfect", treats her like a machine, takes advantage of her loyalty.... I've seen such men and I don't want anybody to get such a husband!

 

[peace_maker]

Anyway, I do have a serious question for the sisters (if there are any still around here). Are there any specific qualities of a Muslim man that you look for? What do you consider to be the best qualities of a husband?

Firstly, he must fear Allah and take Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as a role model. But, basically this is what I'm saying.... Must be a good muslim, must be patient, must not be short-tempered, must be bold, must be understanding and caring.