Frustrations in getting married

[Rhubarb Tart]

Note: the following post can be considered a rant, so read at your own risk. You have been warned...



If you're going to attack bro Sal, you might as well attack me too then. I once posted in another forum in a similar thread on marriage that I preferred a Pakistani/Indian/Arab sister over a convert like myself and I was called a racist for it. I thought that was a bit odd considering it would be reverse racism if anything (you know, since I'm discriminating against the white girls). ;D

Anyway, my point is that having preferences for a certain type of partner does not make you a bad person. In fact, I think it is necessary since we're talking about the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. You better like them, is all I'm saying, because you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you're stuck with your family, and if you try to pick your family's noses, that says a whole lot of things about you that I don't even want to think about. ;D

I am not taking about attraction, that is entirely up to the individual and I don’t expect people to marry someone they find physically unappealing.

However, if you are going to have strict standards like the girl must be able to cook Asian food, she must able to cook me breakfast everyday etc, then you have absolutely no rights to complain if a girl has requirements that her potential must attend a lecture every week, or he must earn certain amount etc.


If you want them to compromise, then you must able to do the same.

 

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

Everyone has their own requirements for their potential spouse. Nothing wrong with this, though these requirements should be realistic.

I'll be honest. I want a good house wife, not one that is career orientated and wants a job. I like women that are quiet, obedient, cooks and cleans. I prefer to be the leader.

Whether this is realistic, I'm not sure.

 

[Salahudeen]

Salaam,

Everyone has their own requirements for their potential spouse. Nothing wrong with this, though these requirements should be realistic.

I'll be honest. I want a good house wife, not one that is career orientated and wants a job. I like women that are quiet, obedient, cooks and cleans. I prefer to be the leader.

Whether this is realistic, I'm not sure.

lol

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Salaam,

Everyone has their own requirements for their potential spouse. Nothing wrong with this, though these requirements should be realistic.

I'll be honest. I want a good house wife, not one that is career orientated and wants a job. I like women that are quiet, obedient, cooks and cleans. I prefer to be the leader.

Whether this is realistic, I'm not sure.

what do you mean by quiet and obedient...


and household chores does not take ALL day like some brothers and sisters make out. jheeez

Plus there are plenty of sisters that DONT mind not working just dont go around trying to change those that do mind.

 

[Who Am I?]

I am not taking about attraction, that is entirely up to the individual and I don’t expect people to marry someone they find physically unappealing.

However, if you are going to have strict standards like the girl must be able to cook Asian food, she must able to cook me breakfast everyday etc, then you have absolutely no rights to complain if a girl has requirements that her potential must attend a lecture every week, or he must earn certain amount etc.


If you want them to compromise, then you must able to do the same.

Well I can cook for myself. I've been on my own for years, so I can take care of myself. That's not the issue.

I have no expectations, and I expect my wife not to either. ;D

 

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

View attachment 4666

lol

That is not very nice... O____o

what do you mean by quiet and obedient...

Quiet is self-explanatory.

As for obedience, just want a wife that follows Islam properly.

and household chores does not take ALL day like some brothers and sisters make out. jheeez

I want the entire house to be clean. Everything has to be perfect...

 

[Aprender]

I want the entire house to be clean. Everything has to be perfect...

O_O Hmmm....

 

[joyous fairy]

Salaam,

Everyone has their own requirements for their potential spouse. Nothing wrong with this, though these requirements should be realistic.

I'll be honest. I want a good house wife, not one that is career orientated and wants a job. I like women that are quiet, obedient, cooks and cleans. I prefer to be the leader.

Whether this is realistic, I'm not sure.

Walaykum Salam

I think it is realistic in a way. There are plenty of women who wouldnt mind staying at home. you just have to be careful because some women may be highly qualified in a certain field but not want to take that further, however, later on when they are married they might change their mind. Also, the opposite could happen, if you were looking for the opposite.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

Salaam,




That is not very nice... O____o



Quiet is self-explanatory.

As for obedience, just want a wife that follows Islam properly.



I want the entire house to be clean. Everything has to be perfect...

Lol @ quiet being self explanatory

U do know that women especially your wife have every right to disagree with you. The prophet wives (pbuh) used to argue with him. No human being is quiet, even those appear to be quiet open up later on. Btw the prophet actually used to help with housework and even used to make meal for his guest. If you are hygienic as every muslim should be, the entire house would be clean. You don't throw dirty sock, boxers on the floor and leave your dirty dishes on the sink for your "wife" to do. If you are hygienic, cleaning doesn't take ALL day.

Anyway I don't care because I certainly wouldn't marry someone like you. My point is you are allowed to have these preferences BUT you have no right to complain about women that want a potential that works and able to meet their living standard (whatever that may be). So I find it funny those brothers that want a wife that cleans entire house most days are the one that complain about sisters not wanting men that can only provide basic necessity. That is the point I want to make.

 

[GuestFellow]

Lol @ quiet being self explanatory

Salaam,

I like introverts. I'm a quiet person myself, except on this forum.

U do know that women especially have every right to disagree with you.

I understand. It is a two-way process. Both sides can disagree.

The prophet wives (pbuh) used argue with him.

Yes, that is unavoidable at some point.

No human being is quiet, even those appear to be quiet open up later on.

I'm quiet most of the time. So I want a wife like that. If she wants to talk, then that's fine, as long as she does not speak too loudly, unless there is a good reason to do so.

Btw the prophet actually used to help with housework and even used to make meal for his guest. If you are hygienic as every muslim should be the entire house would be clean. You don't throw dirty sock, boxers on the floor and leave your dirty dishes on the sink for your "wife" to do. If you are hygienic, cleaning doesn't take ALL.

I clean too, but I hate cooking. Sorry, can't cook. So I need a wife that cooks everyday. I can make croissants, but that is not healthy. I wouldn't throw my boxers around the house. I don't want people to know the size of my boxers.... :hmm:

I just like my house to be very clean, I don't like clutter. It was the way I was raised. My mom is very fussy and wants everything to be clean. Many of my family members are like that. The house must be clean, tidy and smell nice.

Anyway I don't care because I certainly wouldn't marry someone like you.

I think you do care, otherwise you wouldn't have responded to my post.... :/

My point is you are allowed to have these preferences BUT you have no right to complain about women that want a potential that works and able to meet their living standard (whatever that may be).

If a women wants to work, I won't marry her. It is just my requirement. A women can reject me for being too fussy, not good-looking enough and so on. If a potential wife can meet my needs, in return, I will fulfill the following:

1. She will have a car for her personal usage. Vehicle expenses will be paid by me.
2. The house that she desires, as long as it is affordable and located near a mosque. Currently saving for a deposit.
3. She can buy whatever she wants, provided it is halal and is affordable.
4. Workout everyday and present myself in a smart manner.
5. Take her on a holiday, once every year, if she wants.

^ May sound childish but that is what I can reasonably do.

So I find it funny those brothers that want a wife that cleans entire house most days are the one that complain about sisters not wanting men that can only provide basic necessity. That is the point I want to make.

I'm not complaining. I was close to getting married but got put off in the end. The point I'm making here is that this is a two-way process. Everyone has their own requirements and ought to be respected.

EDIT:

ONE MAJOR TRAGIC TYPO, BWAHAHAHHAHAA

 

[Scimitar]

Just say Bismillah and go for it. That's what I think. I really don't like to dwell on matters too much, these days. I find that if I just take action instead, everything comes together better than I'd imagined. isn't that life though? Allah is Merciful.

Scimi

 

[Veiled]

Just some naseeha [i speak for myself first] As for the one who is ordained for you and seeking and attaining that...well personally I've stopped asking Allah to give me a specific person. “Please let me marry so and so.” No matter how much I’ve wanted to at times. I always pray now that Allah swt grants me someone who I love only for His sake, and someone who loves me only for His sake. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard holding back on the name of the person you think is right for you. Somebody may seem so, so, perfect on the outside, but only Allah swt knows what is in a person’s heart and the affairs of their heart. He knows you best, and He will give you somebody better than you could have picked out for yourself. Keep making du'a about being blessed with someone who is the BEST for you, and see what He does. He knows what we want, but He also knows what we need. Our sight may be limited, but His is infinite. Investing in Allah will never leave you poor, and never make you go wrong. In fact, it’s when a human being gives up control and realizes that NOTHING is in his hands, that the true spirit comes out. Allah swt has already chosen the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. Nothing you do, or don’t do, will change that. Instead, Allah swt has created barriers and obstacles in the path of meeting that person that are there to test how we react. Are we patient, or do we start to fret and worry when something doesn’t go our way? Do we immortalize our beloved and forget about Allah swt, or do we strike a balance with the creation (love) and the Creator?

I know it’s really really hard. It’s hard seeing others getting married and being in “love.” (Things may not always be so perfect as they seem on the outside.) Especially if you’re of marrying age, and you’re waiting to find the right spouse. But be patient. Patience and prayer. They always work. Always. Prayer develops patience. And patience is the one vital thing most humans lack. (This one at least.) God will give you a love story better than any of the ones you’ve ever read about or the ones you pay $8.50 to go and watch unless it's wacky wednesday then you pay $3.50 =p. Never ever let your trust in Him decrease. Grow as a person. Learn to love yourself first and wholeheartedly before you have to love someone else. Remember, you are the only person you need to make yourself whole. Marriage is only for someone to give you support, love, and friendship to make YOU a better YOU. You are you, and you are enough. But there’s someone out there who can help make you a better you. And InshAllah, you will find them.

I make so much du'a that we all can have patience when it comes to waiting for the right one. And that Allah swt blesses us with people who are righteous and who will help us attain the ultimate goal: pleasing Him and being granted Jannah.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Been reading this thread for a while...and the thought that comes to me now is that...at the end of the day, it's just marriage. Yeah, its a big deal and it's something we all want (Im head of the marriage section, think i dont wanna get married? lol) but confusing it as the goal of life and focusing one's complete energy towards it - that's a problem. At the end of the day, as important as it is, it's a means towards a goal - its the means towards worshiping Allah better. Sometimes, it's like the Sr. above wrote...you need to let it go and it'll come. Thing's aren't always found by looking, sometimes they happen to have a knack of showing up precisely when needed most.

 

[ardianto]

If a women wants to work, I won't marry her. It is just my requirement. A women can reject me for being too fussy, not good-looking enough and so on. If a potential wife can meet my needs, in return, I will fulfill the following:

1. She will have a car for her personal usage. Vehicle expenses will be paid by me.
2. The house that she desires, as long as it is affordable and located near a mosque. Currently saving for a deposit.
3. She can buy whatever she wants, provided it is halal and is affordable.
4. Workout everyday and present myself in a smart manner.
5. Take her on a holiday, once every year, if she wants.

You can announce it on ad on newspaper. I am sure, many women will come to you, including some beautiful women, and you can choose a woman you like.

But bro, no one of them really love you, the woman that chosen as your wife too.

Maybe you think love is not important in marriage. No, you wrong. Marriage can started by two persons who did not love each other, but after getting married they must try love each other. And they would able to love each other only if they get married with intention to build a family that sakinah, mawadah, wa rahmah. They married their spouse for the sake of Allah, not because the woman is beautiful, the man is rich.

If a woman marry you for wealth, she would never love you because she only love your money and her heart has been blinded by money. She will never satisfied with what you give to her. And when you cannot give what she wants, ..... trust me, she will leave you.


Add: You can give everything to your wife after you got married. But do not ever try to get a wife with your wealth because you will get 'wrong woman'.

 

[cOsMiCiNtUiTiOn]

You can announce it on ad on newspaper. I am sure, many women will come to you, including some beautiful women, and you can choose a woman you like.

But bro, no one of them really love you, the woman that chosen as your wife too.

Maybe you think love is not important in marriage. No, you wrong. Marriage can started by two persons who did not love each other, but after getting married they must try love each other. And they would able to love each other only if they get married with intention to build a family that sakinah, mawadah, wa rahmah. They married their spouse for the sake of Allah, not because the woman is beautiful, the man is rich.

If a woman marry you for wealth, she would never love you because she only love your money and her heart has been blinded by money. She will never satisfied with what you give to her. And when you cannot give what she wants, ..... trust me, she will leave you.


Add: You can give everything to your wife after you got married. But do not ever try to get a wife with your wealth because you will get 'wrong woman'.

couldn't have said it better myself. You know, if people would marry for the right reasons, they wouldn't have such a hard time getting married now would they?

-cOsMiC

 

[Salahudeen]

1. She will have a car for her personal usage. Vehicle expenses will be paid by me.
2. The house that she desires, as long as it is affordable and located near a mosque. Currently saving for a deposit.
3. She can buy whatever she wants, provided it is halal and is affordable.
4. Workout everyday and present myself in a smart manner.
5. Take her on a holiday, once every year, if she wants.

That is much more than many men can do mashaAllah, but don't tell any potentials you can offer all that, because she might marry you for the life style. And if you ever fall upon times where you can't offer that life style she will think "the whole reason I married you is for this life style now you're saying you can't give it to me".

Keep all those things as a nice surprise for the woman you do marry. If you can find a woman who can love a poor man she's one to hold on to.It's a bit like a game of cards, you don't show your hand until you know she wants you, for YOU! and not the size of your wallet. ;D


The perfect person that will meet all your requirements in every way doesn't exist, you learn this after months of searching. Or in some cases, you learn it at 40 when you've spent a life time looking and the question arises, "why am I still alone and everyone else around me is married". I'm not talking about you bro tragic, I'm talking generally.

Sometimes we complicate it too much with our requirements and formalise things too much so it's like a job interview, once you fall in love with a person you forget all about your requirements cos the feeling of loving them over whelms you and they can do no wrong in your eyes. They really do become perfect to you and you don't even remember your requirements. All you think about is how you can make them happy and put a smile on their face. That's my experience any ways. Don't know if it's the same for everyone else.

It's like the saying goes "love blinds", it really does, but you'll never believe it until you experience it, and you'll never experience it until you accept a less than perfect person to be your other halve, but people feel reluctant to do this because they feel scared that they won't be happy if they accept someone who's less than perfect, but everyone I've spoken to who took the plunge and married someone who was less than perfect at first, they're happy and don't understand why they were so scared before hand. They can't even remember their requirements before they got married, but it's like they realized after marriage none of that matters any more since they fell in love.

When I say less than perfect, I mean within the boundaries of Islam. i.e if someone is drinking alcohol or doing other sins then of course this is not acceptable.

But then it occurs to me, its not like that for everyone that's why divorces happen so I don't know :hmm: complicated it is.

 

[GuestFellow]

Salaam,

You can announce it on ad on newspaper. I am sure, many women will come to you, including some beautiful women, and you can choose a woman you like.

But bro, no one of them really love you, the woman that chosen as your wife too.

Maybe you think love is not important in marriage. No, you wrong. Marriage can started by two persons who did not love each other, but after getting married they must try love each other. And they would able to love each other only if they get married with intention to build a family that sakinah, mawadah, wa rahmah. They married their spouse for the sake of Allah, not because the woman is beautiful, the man is rich.

If a woman marry you for wealth, she would never love you because she only love your money and her heart has been blinded by money. She will never satisfied with what you give to her. And when you cannot give what she wants, ..... trust me, she will leave you.


Add: You can give everything to your wife after you got married. But do not ever try to get a wife with your wealth because you will get 'wrong woman'.

I just want to keep my wife happy. I'm not wealthy, but I'm good with my money. I'm not going to tell her that I will be giving her a car, clothes and gold. I will save all that after the wedding.

I do need a wife who can look after the house, children and do the cooking, since I will be very busy as I climb up the career ladder.

That is much more than many men can do mashaAllah, but don't tell any potentials you can offer all that, because she might marry you for the life style. And if you ever fall upon times where you can't offer that life style she will think "the whole reason I married you is for this life style now you're saying you can't give it to me".

Keep all those things as a nice surprise for the woman you do marry. If you can find a woman who can love a poor man she's one to hold on to.It's a bit like a game of cards, you don't show your hand until you know she wants you, for YOU! and not the size of your wallet. ;D


The perfect person that will meet all your requirements in every way doesn't exist, you learn this after months of searching. Or in some cases, you learn it at 40 when you've spent a life time looking and the question arises, "why am I still alone and everyone else around me is married". I'm not talking about you bro tragic, I'm talking generally.

Sometimes we complicate it too much with our requirements and formalise things too much so it's like a job interview, once you fall in love with a person you forget all about your requirements cos the feeling of loving them over whelms you and they can do no wrong in your eyes. They really do become perfect to you and you don't even remember your requirements. All you think about is how you can make them happy and put a smile on their face. That's my experience any ways. Don't know if it's the same for everyone else.

It's like the saying goes "love blinds", it really does, but you'll never believe it until you experience it, and you'll never experience it until you accept a less than perfect person to be your other halve, but people feel reluctant to do this because they feel scared that they won't be happy if they accept someone who's less than perfect, but everyone I've spoken to who took the plunge and married someone who was less than perfect at first, they're happy and don't understand why they were so scared before hand. They can't even remember their requirements before they got married, but it's like they realized after marriage none of that matters any more since they fell in love.

When I say less than perfect, I mean within the boundaries of Islam. i.e if someone is drinking alcohol or doing other sins then of course this is not acceptable.

But then it occurs to me, its not like that for everyone that's why divorces happen so I don't know :hmm: complicated it is.

You sound like ardianto. :O

 

[CosmicPathos]

tragic: amazing list bro, I cant even do that. all i can give to my wife are babies and a whole bunch of them if she wishes so.

 

[ardianto]

I just want to keep my wife happy. I'm not wealthy, but I'm good with my money. I'm not going to tell her that I will be giving her a car, clothes and gold. I will save all that after the wedding.

Very good if you have an intention to make your wife happy. You will feel a happiness too if she's happy.

I do need a wife who can look after the house, children and do the cooking, since I will be very busy as I climb up the career ladder.

You can have a wife like this if you know how to get. I give you a tip. Don't tell your future wife "I want you do ...." but ask her gently "will you do ... ?". Then talk with her from heart to heart, what you expect from her, what she expect from you. And make a compromise to make both parties feel comfortable.

Inshaallah, if she feel comfortable with you, she will loves you. And if she loves you, she will always want to make you happy like cook delicious food for you, clean up the house to make comfortable to live in, etc.

If you 'push' her to do what you want, maybe she will refuse, or she will ask big compensation.

You sound like ardianto. :O

He is my student in "Ardianto's marriage school".

 

[Who Am I?]

Brother ardianto has a marriage school?

Sign me up...