no i have no issues with sharing my story. its just too complex.
basically..i cant help but 'expect' from people...coz its inate...the people i expect things from are my parents etc..it hurts me to live knowing that they havent played their roles...and continue to ruin my life.
i was born two months premo coz my parents couldnt stop fighting. they wanted to get divorced but they found out i was on the way. they stayed togetehr coz of me.
my mum locked herself in a room since i can remember.never mothered me.never hugged.never cried. never put me to sleep. never spoke. never stood up for me.never will.she has and does tell me she hates me.
my dad bashed me when i was still one month premo. never stopped. i became his toy. he became obsessed with controlling me. i was the only thing that was scared of him. i still am the only thing he has. the only one left beside him coz i am the only one both weak and strong enuf to stay beside him.
i left home aged 16. i had to.i worked so hard not to hate people. to smile every morning. to tell myself there were worse situations.but my dad continued to exert his authority in ways which please his evil disposition. i try to understand him. i try to love him. i try to love everyone.and i do...i guess.
but it hurts.like...to struggle through life.all alone.sometimes ur Imaan just isnt strong enuf to hold to the hope that Allah is with you.im still young.sometimes i wish i could complain about the trivial things which girls my age complain about.i i wish i could just kick back one day and be free. but its impossible. the moment i am alone...my past haunts me. i have to struggle thru life, trying to fix and forget and forgive all that has been done to me. but it is still happening........so i am trying t undo things which are begin done at the same time. as i climb that ladder of hope...they knock me down.i cant explain...its too complex. everyone has always used me. my dad against my mum and everyone else.
i dnt wana care anymore.i want to be carefree...for just a day maybe.to laugh like nothing is wrong.like i am exactly the same as anyone else. im sick of trembling thru life....shaking at the thought of my father....shuddering at the idea of him seeing me being normal....cringing every time he calls. im sick of lying to him coz even the most benial of things transform into fuel for his hate fests.he vomits hate on me every morning...every night...and in between, when he cant catch me....i try to grow.
when i come home to visit my mum and siblings...i just want to feel accepted. but all i get is a blank stare from her...and a laboured "when are you going back?" my housemates call their mums..get recipies, advice, share jokes and laughs....ive been away from home for 5 years and my mum has never once called me.i dont exist for her.i taught myself to cook nd clean.my housemates teased "didnt ur mum teach you anything?!" i was 16...and no she didnt.i'd get sick...and all i wanted was someone to care...i dno...ur just so vulnerable wen ur sick...
these are little things...which are just on my mind now. if i told you the serious stuff..i'd have to kill u all.its just my dad. his abuse is potent.and i hate everyone coz of him...coz he hates me with such passion.i try to convince myself that im not disgusting...but i am.i know i am.i know that all that he says is true.but i try so hard to be a good person. i never wanted to be the way i am. i wish i was smart and hard working and all.and i think i am...but he doesnt. he denies me of any good attribute i just mite have....and he says he knows me better than i know myself...perhaps he is right.
im gna shut the hell up now.i have an essay due in a few hours...havent started. i cant...the moment im alone with a blank page...it all comes flying back...i'll never forget the little sevgi.i was so lonely you guys.i was so small.tiny.trembling.i'd walk slanted on rainy days so that the puddled water wouldnt seep through th eholes in my shoes.futile...i'll never forget my sore toes from wearing shoes i'd outgrown. my older bro left wen he was 10.i was so alone.
he is so gna burn in hell.
