Frustrations in getting married

[Ali Mujahidin]

I am very sure I have posted this somewhere before but I am just too plain lazy to look for it. So if this is a duplicate, kindly do the needful.

Where I live, we hold to something called jodoh. If it's your jodoh, then the two of you will get married no matter what. If it's not your jodoh, the two of you will not get married no matter what you do. In some ways, jodoh is similar to fate but jodoh is specifically about marriage. So how do I know whether it's my jodoh or not my jodoh to marry such and such a person. I look at it this way.

Say, I am walking through an orchard. I feel the urge to eat a fruit. I look up and see a fruit. I reach up my hand and as I am about to close my fingers on the fruit, the fruit reaches the right point in its ripening process and falls into my hand. It's undeniable that the fruit in question is meant for me.

In the same way, as I walk through life, I feel the urge to get married. I hear of a woman who is available for marriage. I speak to her wali. Her wali speaks to her. She, too, at that moment in life, feels the urge to get married. So we get married. That's jodoh.

 

[ardianto]

Where I live, we hold to something called jodoh. If it's your jodoh, then the two of you will get married no matter what. If it's not your jodoh, the two of you will not get married no matter what you do. In some ways, jodoh is similar to fate but jodoh is specifically about marriage.

Jodoh di tangan Tuhan (life-mate is on the hand of God)

Kalau sudah jodoh, tak lari kemana (If (someone destined as your) life-mate, (he/she) will not run anywhere)

Jodoh is not fate, but destined life-mate. This is Malay language.

Yes, If it's your jodoh, then the two of you will get married no matter what. If it's not your jodoh, the two of you will not get married no matter what you do. I know it from my experience.

 

[Futuwwa]

Yes, I do think that we should. And I am not saying this just for the sake of presenting another viewpoint. I earnestly believe and stand by what I say. Let's look a bit closer at my stand.

Let's talk about that hypothetical young man you mentioned.

First, he's studying. By studying I assume he's equipping himself with knowledge to make a living when he graduates. Now what's the best way to excel in your studies? Concentrate, my good man, concentrate your studies. Think of nothing but your studies. Don't let anything distract you from your main purpose in life at that point in your life which is to study and to do well in your studies.

Actually, if the hypothetical young man had been concentrating on his studies, I don't see how he would have noticed that there are any attractive women around him. He would have no eyes for anything but his books. Is that healthy? Of course, it is. Education used to be free but now it costs a hand and a leg plus an assortment of other bodily parts to send a child through university. So there's a lot of hard-earned money invested in the young man. Hard-earned money that came from the blood, sweat and tears of his parents who loved him and wanted the best for him.

So what's the best thing that this young man can do to repay his parents for their trust and hope and love for him? Study hard. Concentrate on his studies. Do well in his studies. Nay, don't just do well. Do very, very well in his studies. Then when he has completed his studies, he can think about getting married. I am very sure that if he has done very well in his studies, he would have no problems in getting married. I am serious. Any family who looks forward to having their grandchildren grow up in a comfortable and stable home would see very few problems in letting their daughter get married to a young man who has done very well in his studies.

Did I keep saying young man? Oh yes, so I did. Now at what age do you finish university? In Thailand, you can graduate with a bachelor's degree as young as 22. In Malaysia, if all goes well, you would graduate at about that age, too. Is 22 or even 25 a very advanced age? I don't think so. A man of 22 or even 25 is still a young man. He is in the prime of his life. Strong, healthy and, most important, with a bit more maturity than a kid of 18.

Now what's this thing about denying the young man half his deen? What's there to talk about that half of his deen when he hasn't even got his own half set up correctly? Let's be honest. What's a husband? A half-grown kid who needs a woman to keep him on the right path of Islam, to keep him from indulging in zina? Or a grown man who can be a leader to a woman who agrees to be his wife and to be the mother of his children?

So before having completed his education, he's just supposed to be a superman who can dedicate himself single-mindedly to the task. And what if he has a mental breakdown because of this expectation imposed on him? What if he just doesn't succeed despite his best efforts (yes, even the hypothetical guy with infinite willpower can fail, if he's simply not gifted enough). What if he has bad luck in choice of research subject and his graduation ends up being delayed as a consequence (happened to me)? What if for whatever reason he doesn't manage? Should he just deal with the fact that no marriage for him? ^o)

 

[Futuwwa]

I was a good looking middle class man when I was young. Of course it made knew women from various character and personalities.

Okay, based on my experience, I will tell the difference between the right date and the right person.

The right date look at your handsomeness and/or richness, she will come to you when she sees you are handsome and/or rich. The right person look at your character and personality, she will accept you if she sure you can respect and appreciate her.

Would it be good, then, if you are rich, to conceal that fact from prospective spouses?

 

[GodIsAll]

So before having completed his education, he's just supposed to be a superman who can dedicate himself single-mindedly to the task. And what if he has a mental breakdown because of this expectation imposed on him? What if he just doesn't succeed despite his best efforts (yes, even the hypothetical guy with infinite willpower can fail, if he's simply not gifted enough). What if he has bad luck in choice of research subject and his graduation ends up being delayed as a consequence (happened to me)? What if for whatever reason he doesn't manage? Should he just deal with the fact that no marriage for him? ^o)

Don't we all get caught up with expectations? Expectations of family, expectations of colleagues, expectations of friends?

This matters naught. Your life's path is between you and God only. If your research was delayed, it was for a reason...a good one, no doubt. You may not see it today, but some day you will. If this delays getting married, it may be because your path is not meant to be with this woman. There is a delay in your getting married. Perhaps because our loving Creator is simultaneously molding your future life partner? This is only speculation, of course, I do not mean to say I know the mind of Allah, of course.

What I do know is that He takes care of us and He has a plan for you. Trust in Him.

 

[Futuwwa]

Don't we all get caught up with expectations? Expectations of family, expectations of colleagues, expectations of friends?

This matters naught. Your life's path is between you and God only. If your research was delayed, it was for a reason...a good one, no doubt. You may not see it today, but some day you will. If this delays getting married, it may be because your path is not meant to be with this woman. There is a delay in your getting married. Perhaps because our loving Creator is simultaneously molding your future life partner? This is only speculation, of course, I do not mean to say I know the mind of Allah, of course.

What I do know is that He takes care of us and He has a plan for you. Trust in Him.

You're about two years late with this post

What you describe is pretty much what happened

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

he's just supposed to be a superman who can dedicate himself single-mindedly to the task.

Oh, really? I never heard that being a superman is one of the pre-conditions to a university education, or any kind of education, for that matter. Seriously speaking, why is a university education being viewed as some kind of rite of passage? You know, like the way some aboriginals have to jump from a tall tree with a twine tied to their ankle to prove that they have made the transition from childhood to adulthood.

A university education is a period of study and training where you are equipped with the knowledge and skill to perform certain tasks. Now I understand that not every one makes it through with flying colors. So for those who don't make it, it's not the end of the world. All it means is that they have to decide on some other means of making a living. Perhaps they can learn a handicraft or some other technical skill. There's a lot of demand for people with skills. The main point is to be equipped with some way to make a living.

Does it take a superman to concentrate on doing one thing well at a time?

 

[GodIsAll]

You're about two years late with this post

What you describe is pretty much what happened

I am glad to hear this and happy for you!

 

[GodIsAll]

Oh, really? I never heard that being a superman is one of the pre-conditions to a university education, or any kind of education, for that matter. Seriously speaking, why is a university education being viewed as some kind of rite of passage? You know, like the way some aboriginals have to jump from a tall tree with a twine tied to their ankle to prove that they have made the transition from childhood to adulthood.

A university education is a period of study and training where you are equipped with the knowledge and skill to perform certain tasks. Now I understand that not every one makes it through with flying colors. So for those who don't make it, it's not the end of the world. All it means is that they have to decide on some other means of making a living. Perhaps they can learn a handicraft or some other technical skill. There's a lot of demand for people with skills. The main point is to be equipped with some way to make a living.

Does it take a superman to concentrate on doing one thing well at a time?

If I remember correctly, Superman had earned a doctorate in civil engineering from MIT, patented a new bicycle seat and wrote a Carnegie Hall concerto while wooing Lois Lane. I could be wrong, of course.

 

[ardianto]

Would it be good, then, if you are rich, to conceal that fact from prospective spouses?

If you are rich you don't need to conceal anything, but also do not show off. If you drive new BMW in daily live you can drive this car when you visit the prospective spouse. But if this prospect is a good woman, she will not accept you if she think you cannot treat her well and respectfully, even if you are very rich. Good woman cannot be bought by money.

Bro, do you want to get married with a woman who love only your wealth?. I don't. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. If in the future I lose my wealth, she will leave me too.

 

[ardianto]

Sure! If your life partner is given to you at a young age, don't wait!

It's not as easy like this, bro. Getting someone is different than getting married.

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

If I remember correctly, Superman had earned a doctorate in civil engineering from MIT, patented a new bicycle seat and wrote a Carnegie Hall concerto while wooing Lois Lane. I could be wrong, of course.

Can't really say whether you are right or wrong because I have lost all my Superman comics already. Anyway, what the comic Superman did was strictly restricted to comicdom. What we have here is someone who thought that it would take a person with superhuman abilities to get through university by concentrating on the task at hand which is paying full attention to studying.

Does it really take a person with superhuman abilities to get through university without being side-tracked?

 

[Futuwwa]

Oh, really? I never heard that being a superman is one of the pre-conditions to a university education, or any kind of education, for that matter.

It isn't.

Single-minded all-out dedication of the kind you think it is proper and reasonable to expect from a young man does, however, require superhuman willpower.

And for what purpose are we to impose such an expectation? To live up to some stupid expectation of career machismo, apparently, without which a man is apparently unworthy to get married.

 

[Futuwwa]

Bro, do you want to get married with a woman who love only your wealth?. I don't. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. If in the future I lose my wealth, she will leave me too.

Well, that's what I'm saying. So shouldn't you then hide any wealth you have, to filter out those for whom wealth would be a dealbreaker?

 

[ardianto]

Well, that's what I'm saying. So shouldn't you then hide any wealth you have, to filter out those for whom wealth would be a dealbreaker?

Just don't show off with tell or intentionally show her that you have this, you have that. Show off actually is common habit of men when they approach a woman. But this is not good.

A mature minded woman and her parent are not interested to the wealth that a man have, but interested to how this man got his wealth.

A 25-26 years old rich man maybe look good in the women and parent eyes. But mature minded women know that 99% of men like that are rich because they have rich parents!

Young man can be rich because his father is rich. But if he cannot manage his wealth well, he will lose his wealth. Mature minded woman know this. So, instead of look at a man wealth they look at this man potential such as sense of responsibility, motivation to get better life, etc.

How to filter?. Notice this woman and her parent carefully. Materialistic woman usually have materialistic parents. This is a taught behavior.

Materialistic attitude is reflection of an attitude which people judge other people by wealth. People with this attitude will treat the rich and the poor differently. Notice them. If they treat the rich and the poor with same level of politeness, it's okay. But if they treat the rich and the poor differently, avoid them.

It's better if a man propose marriage to a woman who he really know, or to a woman who introduced and recommended by trustable person.

 

[Futuwwa]

I'm quite wealthy compared to the national average, but yes, pretty much all of it is inherited :embarrass

I think I might have gone overboard with hiding it though. I found out later that my wife had greatly underestimated both my wealth and my earning capability, but she chose to marry me anyway

 

[ardianto]

I'm quite wealthy compared to the national average, but yes, pretty much all of it is inherited :embarrass

I think I might have gone overboard with hiding it though. I found out later that my wife had greatly underestimated both my wealth and my earning capability, but she chose to marry me anyway

I know the life of rich young men. I'm from middle class

My wife came from the lower class. But she chose me not because my family wealth. I know it because I'm close with her family since in high school.

I made many mistakes in business that made me lost many inheritance that I got from my father. It's happened when I entered the third year of my marriage. But my wife always support me in my hard times. Alhamdulillah, then I could rise again and start new business.

 

[ardianto]

I have question for sisters.

Will you marry a young man who is good in religious level, character, and personality, but he just worked for a year, in low position and with low income?

 

[Futuwwa]

Attention, unmarried sisters! Ardianto asked you a question. When he speaks, you listen. When he asks, you answer. Get to it! :raging:

 

[Aprender]

Will you marry a young man who is good in religious level, character, and personality, but he just worked for a year, in low position and with low income?

Yes. We all have to start from somewhere. And if there's anything I could do to help him reach his career goals then in shaa Allah I'd help him.