my boyfriend has an arranged marriage

[artichokeforest]

I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.

Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.

But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.

I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.

I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.

About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...

Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?

 

[muslimf]

Some parents force their children to marry people from their own country, which is rather backwards, but the child doesn't really say anything because he doesn't want to upset or stand against his parents wishes.
Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.
However, in Islam you need to be married to someone you love, we have no such concept as boyfriend/girlfriend.
We don't play around like that, if you truly love someone there needs to be commitment, and you will need to be someone who is going to stick with that person you truly love till the end.

These boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually last for a month, year, but eventually they end, and you have to ask yourself, did you truly love that person?
In Islam we do not experiment either until we find "the right person".
We choose the right person based on his compatibility, not on his looks or how hot he looks.
Those are things that are unimportant to a relationship.
Which is why you see western women falling for a guy because he had a nice chest, or he looks "cute" or "sexy".
This is all a recipe for a short-term, lust motivated relationship.

Two people come together and stay together because of compatibility and understanding!

Wasalam.

 

[Protected_Diamond]

Im deeply sorry you had to go through a relationship like that. Noone deserves that kind of treatment but i guess he felt he needed to keep his parents honour & dignity within the community. Islam prevents muslims from going out with each other and if all muslims could follow the rules of Allah s.w.a life itslef would be soo much easier & at ease. Allah s.w.a knows the wisdom behind this rule & as we are humans we can only undestand so much. The rules of islam are for OUR benifit and not Allah s.w.a! the sooner we realise this the better! :rose:

Peace!

 

[rubiesand]

Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me??

My guess is that he was feeling guilty about having a haram relationship but lacked the backbone or willpower to bring it to an end himself. So he encouraged you to learn about Islam so that eventually you would yourself realise that what was happening was wrong, and call an end to physical contact between you. This you did, and it was at this moment that he dropped the bombshell about his engagement to the cousin.

 

[al-fateh]

inshallah things will ease up

 

[glo]

Dear artichokeforest

I have no answers for you.
As a non-Muslim I am trying to fathom the Islamic way of thinking myself - finding it extremely puzzling at times.

But as a non-Muslim I may have an understanding of the kind of relationship you had.
Like most Western relationship, my husband and I started out like that: meeting each other, getting to know each other and falling in love.
It would never have occured to me that somebody else may have a say in who I was to marry!

My heart goes out to you!
I don't know what will become of your boyfriend and his marriage, but I cannot see good come out of it!

This may sound harsh, but if he has gone to marry a stranger to please his parents, perhaps his love for you wasn't as strong as you both hoped? :hmm:

Perhaps you should move on.

Blessings,

 

[artichokeforest]

Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...

 

[NJUSA]

I have known and known of several women in your situation.And you know the truth- that you honestly gave love to a man who could not in good faith go through with your plans. Pray, comfort yourself, spend time with friends and family. There are good men out there who are not committed, who are aching for a wonderful woman like you. Go out there and get you one!

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

First of all, you have reverted, correct? Alhamdulillah, and welcome to Islam sister dear.

No offense, but I think it would be best for you to forget about this brother. He is married, and despite that he said he loved you, he also had contact with his cousin. He hasn't met her in 9 years, but thats not the point! He has met her, and knows her personality. Maybe its forced, but maybe he is happy with it. You can't judge that. He didn't tell you that he was getting married, so there are other things he may not be telling you, such as him truly loving his cousin. He too knows that it will be a slap on your face to tell you how wonderful his cousin may be.

Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce?

Love marriages also end in divorce. Sorry to be harsh, but whether its arranged or love isn't the key point. But both partners have to be mature enough to uphold their responsibilities and fear Allah in their treatment with each other.

Anyways, like you yourself have stated and accepted, physical contact with the opposite gender cannot occur. It is a sin, a form of zina. Forget about this dude, and move on. Spend your time learning Islam, Quran, how to pray, etc. May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) reward you, keep you on the right, and grant you a compatible spouse. Ameen.

 

[dreams2reality]

Assalamu alaikum sister,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this situation. I know very well what you have been through and are going through at this moment, and it is hard but it will get easier insha Allah.

when I was new to Islam a brother that a I thought was so pious asked me to marry him, it was arranged to be secret, and he would make his parents understand and accept it after we graduated (so naive I was). For years I believed him, and when I became pregnant he began to show who he really was and the lies started to unravel. He told me to have an abortion or he would kill himself, the whole time I was pregnant he was never there for me, I barely saw him, and he never even helped me get anything for the baby. His parents found out when I was 8 months pregnant, they said that I was not culturally compatible and that our marriage was against Islam because they did not agree...and that my son would never know his father, and then his rare visits and half-hearted promises to be there when our son was born and be with us after stopped. I called the sheikh, who said he should be there, and I called him and asked him to come while I was in labor. I begged him to be part of our sons life, and couldn't understand how when they are so cultural and come from a culture that valued family so much could just ignore my son and I. He never showed and I gave birth alone and attempted to say the adhan in my sons ear in English. My son was born early due to the stress I was under and when I brought him home from the hospital it was so sad, I didn't have clothes or anything. To this day he doesn't support or see my son. He came around a few times and said he loved us and tried to get back with me, I soon learned that he was engaged to his cousin and had been for the whole 3 years that this was going on. He saw our son and I and said he loved us etc and promised me he wouldn't marry her and then flew off to get married in the home country of his parents. Of course he married her and my son and I meant nothing to him, we never did, it just took getting slapped in the face like that for me to realize it.

I know sooo many women, converts and non converts, that this has happened to and for awhile I was so angry and so far from Islam. But this is not Islam, and there are some very good Muslim brothers out there. I eventually found my way back and my iman increased and I was closer to my deen alhumdulilah. I met a good man through my wali and when I accepted his proposal last week there was nothing kept secret, his family is not happy but they know, and insha Allah they will be happier about it in the future. The best advice I can give you is when your ready to get married follow the guidelines of Islam and you cant go wrong. You will find a good man who will make you happy insha Allah.

I know its really hard to accept and impossible to understand, for a long time I kept saying why would he marry her when he loves me, how can this be happening, the concept was so foreign to me. Your sitting there helpless and he is getting married across the sea. He told me that same things that Anis told you, that it didn't mean that he didn't love me and that he would never love another woman like he loved me, etc. Eventually I just had to accept it for what it was, he didn't love me and his intention was not to please Allah but himself. I hope that you will accept it and move on faster than I did insha Allah, its really the best thing you can do. Its different when he is a Muslim man that lives to please Allah, and is guided by Islam, when he is a true example for you, and wants to make sure that you are given the rights that Islam has granted you, I promise. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to listen, and I'm moving to Canada in a few weeks insha Allah so we will have lots to talk about!

 

[DigitalStorm82]

May Allah be with all those who are mistreated.

Acceptance of the will of Allah is the key to happiness.

 

[M H Kahn]

I am new to Islam and to this community.
I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship.

Your relationship, as appears from your story, was not one built up for the sake of Allah; rather you happened to be in a Western Style love with each other for the purpose of sex. But at the same time the boy has cheated you with the carrot of marriage. Now you have to repent sincerely for the adultery you have done with the boy and seek God's forgiveness with a firmly settled mind that you will never commit any adultery any more in futre. Then seek Allah's help with prayer and patience, as Allah says: "O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." 002.153

 

[*noor]

May Allah be with all those who are mistreated.

Acceptance of the will of Allah is the key to happiness.

so true, and if you think about it when you accept something, you're free from worrying about it all of the time.

 

[Concealed Pearl]

Sister, please research Islam on your own and discover its beauty. Insha'allah the love for islam will enter your heart, and you will become a strong and steadfast Muslim who will be blessed with the best husband ever. INSHA'allah.

 

[syilla]

he is not worth it....

write down 100 -ve things about him... to try to forget about him

 

[Mezier]

Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...

Not many posts touch me, but yours was one of the few that did! I want you to know that my post is in the interest of YOU and YOUR well-being, and in no way trying to offend you or hurt you.

You made an excellent point there. I have seen A LOT of immigrant muslim men come to the west and get mixed up with bad things. Because all of these things are new to them, they don't know how to react to them or the feelings they have towards them.

Maybe that guy 'thought' he loved you, I'm sure it was something new to him, and maybe his love wasn't as strong as it appeared to be. So you know what I say? He is NOT worth it!! So move on (yes it is harder done then said) but it is for YOUR benefit.

Also, about his fiancee finding out about the truth.....his guilt will slowly eat him up on the inside at the same rate as his love grows for his future-wife, so you could probably count on her finding out sooner or later.

I know its hard to forget about what has happened and move on, but it is only doing damage to yourself. Let me try to explain it with a little step-by-step thought process that you are most probably going through:
1. You think to yourself how much you love him
2. Then you say, why did he hurt me like this?
3. You'll most probably continue on to think about how you could possibly forgive him for what he has done if he only comes back to you.
4. You'll then realize that he isnt coming back and will resent him even more than before.
5. Then you'll hope that his wife finds out about you and that his marriage goes sour, just so he can feel the way you did (revenge)
6. However, you regret thinking that because you remember how much you love him. (And this leads directly BACK to #1, and each time the pain will get worse and worse)

you HAVE to take yourself out of this loop if you want to move on. And the best way would be through Islam!

I hope I didnt confuse you :?

 

[extinction]

I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah?

Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?

did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

 

[glo]

I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

There seems to be a fair group of young female converts to Islam.
The same thought has crossed my mind: how many of those did convert for the boy they love?

 

[dreams2reality]

I HATE this mentality. First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!

Second, I converted after a serious accident where doctors said that I would never walk or talk again, and was lucky to be alive. I converted because everything that medical science said was defied, because I knew that the only reason that I was there berating, and now walking and talking, is because ALLAH put me there! I converted because Allah took mercy on me and gave me a 2nd chance at accepting Islam, the accident happened right after I had decided to stop studying Islam. I could have died a kafer and Allah didn't let that happen, instead he took me apart and put me back together again as only HE could do, to guide me! I am so insulted when people say oh she converted to "marry our good men" etc.

Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not. Who are you to judge her intentions? What is important is that she is Muslim now and that she has the SUPPORT of Muslims to help her learn her deen and be a good Muslim for the sake of Allah. So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.

 

[extinction]

First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!

You what, how does it?

Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not.

It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?

So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.

I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.