my boyfriend has an arranged marriage

searchingsoul said:
Can a Muslim explain this to me? I am a Christian married to Muslim, so we were allowed to date. Why do some Muslims think that it's okay to date while others (I think most on this forum) do not think that it is okay?

I posted earlier that one of my girlfriends married an Imam and they dated prior to marriage. This is confusing me.
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It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.
 
HeiGou said:
It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.
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I find it hard to believe that an Imam wouldn't have the best judgement. I guess I don't see the strictness in Muslims around me.
 
u know sis, dont worry. everything is from Allah. insha'Allah, u will get sum1 ten times or even more better than anis. sum1 who'll luv u forever n who'll neva betray u. u know, raelly u guys shouldtnt have been together but anyway, be pateint n have 100% hope in Allah's mercy n u'll get wat u want. be it anis or not.

also, not all arranged marriage end in divorce. they work better than luv marraiges.

anyway, catch up with u later.

sorry if i've repeated wat n e 1 else has sed, didnt get a chance to read everyone's.

wassalam
 
HeiGou said:
It is a cultural thing. Not a religious thing. Who are they dating? Not good Muslim girls. Who do they marry? Ahh, now you're lucky.

But the religion is strict - no dating, no meeting even, before marriage.
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What are u trying 2 say? That is definately not the case! It is not a cultural thing at all, but it's just that some people who don't have imaan change the rules around to suit their needs, or should i say desires.

And if ur saying that islam is strict then why don't u look at all the problems that dating has caused! u'll notice that there is a lot of wisdom behind islam.

and by the way u are allowed to meet the person once before marriage. But u can't go out with every person that u think u might marry one by one!
 
Just want to say that I don't appreciate the subtle threat I received my pm from HeiGou. He said basically I am being rude, and that suggesting poygamy is not cool, could get me kicked off this forum. Whoa.

And also I wanted to re--phrase my question about arranged marriages:
How many arranged marriages work, when the wife is exported from her country, into a Western country, without language, career or any support network/extended family??? We are talking about globalization phenomenon.
I also read somewhere that 90% of muslim men, want to marry for love, but only 10% of women will marry for love.

As far as dating, I guess many Muslim men, think the West if hanky-panky land. Why can't they be better disciplined and keep their hands to themselves???
 
dear Heigou,
I would respond to your pm if I could. But my status is limited, so in order to respond, posting on the forum is my only course of action. Frankly I found your message intimidating and patronizing. If you are trying to prove to me that Islam is the real way, I am not sure about your logic.

If you would a personal response then I suggest sending me an e-mail address that i can respond to.
 
artichokeforest said:
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!

Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?

I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.
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Dear artichokeforest

I have to write this post to tell you that I can relate to your point of view.
Like you, I find polygamy a totally alien concept. :heated:

I also feel that some posters here seem to give you a fairly hard time. I don't understand why - perhaps I have to read the whole thread to get a clue.

People, it would be nice if you could cut artichokeforest some slack!
If she doesn't agree with your own views and seems rather outspoken about it, it's because she is having a tough time.
Having the man you love firstly disappear off for his arranged marriage, and then secondly have the gall to suggest you to be his second wife, is - quite frankly - to most modern women an insult!! :rant:

I don't expect you do agree with artichokeforest, but please treat her with some kindness and respect!

peace. :thankyou:
 
Everyone, why don't we all consider solving the problem of the thread starter and not post some of our own problems in the same thread. If someone needs advice they should start their own thread. It's better that way don't you think. It'll cause less arguement and less confusion.

To artichoke,

artichokeforest said:
Just want to say that I don't appreciate the subtle threat I received my pm from HeiGou. He said basically I am being rude, and that suggesting poygamy is not cool, could get me kicked off this forum. Whoa.
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Not necessarily, you are welcome to learn more about polygamy and I suggest that you do. There are many forms under polygamy, there's polygyny (men having more than one wife) that is allowed in islam. And there's polyandry (women having more that one husband) which is not allowed. You can look up the reasons here and here.

As for you feeling that polygamy is not cool, well many women feel this way, even Muslim women. It is a natural thing to feel, not many would want to be share their husbands and for those that do, have their reasons or are doing it for the sake of religion. Islam does limit men to have four wives, if they can afford to (treat them equally etc.) otherwise, they are recommended to have just one.
And also I wanted to re--phrase my question about arranged marriages:
How many arranged marriages work, when the wife is exported from her country, into a Western country, without language, career or any support network/extended family???
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Why do you ask that?

For the most part, it would be hard for the wife to adopt to a new environment. She'd miss her home and family so most probably she'd make visits back home often. If she doesn't know the language of that country, she would have to learn. Knowing English would help though, it's spoken almost everywhere. It is widely spoken so chances are the wife might know some english or can learn it in a small period of time.
Careerwise, if the woman has had a good education she can find a career that suits her. Even though she won't have any extended family, she has her husband, she'll get to know other people around her. It's not so bad depending on the situation.
I also read somewhere that 90% of muslim men, want to marry for love, but only 10% of women will marry for love.
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I'm not sure about these stats but it is still forbidden for Muslim men and women to have relationships before marriage. Arranged marriages are not always forced marriages, the man and woman do have a say. Arranged marriages do turn out good from what I've seen. Forced marriages are not allowed in Islam as well, but it is prevalent in some cultures.

As far as dating, I guess many Muslim men, think the West if hanky-panky land. Why can't they be better disciplined and keep their hands to themselves???
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I would like to know if that is true myself. But let's not generalize shall we :) .

I think you should move on as well, if the man loved you he would have asked you to marry him first and not hurt you like that.

Peace.
 
artichokeforest said:
Gosh this is funny.
I would never , ever, ever , ever (not even for a trillion dollars) consider becoming a second wife. So I am definitly moving on. Polygamy is one of the the things in Islam that I cannot really get my head around.
Probably none of you born and raised in Islam can see how bizarre and unbelievable this scenario is. But for me, being raised here in Canada it is quite incomprehensible!

Damsel in distress?? I am sorry I came across that way. God-fearing? Gosh I don't even care that much about that. I just want someone who treats me right and respects me. Are there many brothers out there who know about that?

I think polygamy really ends up cheating all parties involved. the man and women never get the chance to develop a deep intimacy. Emotional needs are spread between too many parties.
Click to expand...


Accepting to be in a polygamous relationship has nothing to do with where you're raised..be it Canada..Saudia or Timbaktu one can be a second/third/fourth wife, according to her state of Iman or so I like to believe, correct me if im wrong..
sharing one's husband is no easy feat but if you truly have your heart set on pleasing Allah the concept of polygamy would not seem so daunting.
I've heard of sisters who share their husbands with their best friends, in a world where the ratio of men to women is so uneven is it not selfish not to share your husband with other God-fearing sisters?
the level of intimacy need not vary just because you have a co-wife, it all depends on ones attitude towards the akhira, remember that this world is temporary and that Allah has promised us unfathomable rewards if we perservere and show great character, is not this a test for us women? Besides were you not in a monogamous relationship of sorts? how did that work out for you?

It seems the purpose of peoples lives today isnt to attain jannah in the hereafter but rather to find the 'love of our lives' or as many tend to say 'the one' when we forget that Allah is Al-Wahid and that He alone is sufficient for us..
It is to him we belong and to him we return, doesnt this thought make marriage seem truly insignificant? if we honestly married to complete our deen instead of 'finding happiness' we would have less divorce rates and happier muslims in general..
im sorry to have gone on and on but sis your looking at things from a very bad angle..
you should think of growing your knowledge in Islam rather than finding a husband..you just came out of a bad relationship, I honestly felt your pain as I read your original post!
Concentrate on Allah and things will inshallah fall into place..
who knows we might end up sharing a husband :happy: ..
(jumping the gun a bit)
 
Look at it this way also, Men can't choose from any married women. And women has no limit in that sense as they can marry married men, aslong as they don't have 4 already. So women have more choice in that matter.
 
if he would really love you, he would tell his parents that he cannot marry the girl that they pick for him and that he loves someone else and that they need to understand that, because your parents cannot make someone marry u after they want whats best for you. But i am sure everything is going to work out find. I hope everything goes will for you and that your love continues for him because maybe that the girl might refused.
 
Hawa said:
Accepting to be in a polygamous relationship has nothing to do with where you're raised..be it Canada..Saudia or Timbaktu one can be a second/third/fourth wife, according to her state of Iman or so I like to believe, correct me if im wrong..
sharing one's husband is no easy feat but if you truly have your heart set on pleasing Allah the concept of polygamy would not seem so daunting.
I've heard of sisters who share their husbands with their best friends, in a world where the ratio of men to women is so uneven is it not selfish not to share your husband with other God-fearing sisters?
the level of intimacy need not vary just because you have a co-wife, it all depends on ones attitude towards the akhira, remember that this world is temporary and that Allah has promised us unfathomable rewards if we perservere and show great character, is not this a test for us women? Besides were you not in a monogamous relationship of sorts? how did that work out for you?

It seems the purpose of peoples lives today isnt to attain jannah in the hereafter but rather to find the 'love of our lives' or as many tend to say 'the one' when we forget that Allah is Al-Wahid and that He alone is sufficient for us..
It is to him we belong and to him we return, doesnt this thought make marriage seem truly insignificant? if we honestly married to complete our deen instead of 'finding happiness' we would have less divorce rates and happier muslims in general..
im sorry to have gone on and on but sis your looking at things from a very bad angle..
you should think of growing your knowledge in Islam rather than finding a husband..you just came out of a bad relationship, I honestly felt your pain as I read your original post!
Concentrate on Allah and things will inshallah fall into place..
who knows we might end up sharing a husband :happy: ..
(jumping the gun a bit)
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You have a way with words. I'm against polygamy but starting to look at it in a new light....:? Thanks for sharing
 
salam sister
i feel sorry for u and don't no what advise to give, but what i can say is that u're starting a new life with islam so take that further and turn a new leaf and start everything again and forget about the past and enjoy the future. u can't change the past so its best to forget about it (even though it's hard to). look forward to the future and u're marriage.
 
firdaw said:
if he would really love you, he would tell his parents that he cannot marry the girl that they pick for him and that he loves someone else and that they need to understand that, because your parents cannot make someone marry u after they want whats best for you. But i am sure everything is going to work out find. I hope everything goes will for you and that your love continues for him because maybe that the girl might refused.
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Mashallah, i agree. If i really loved a girl, i would do whatever it takes, as long as it's halal :)
 
Safa said:
Why do you ask that?

For the most part, it would be hard for the wife to adopt to a new environment. She'd miss her home and family so most probably she'd make visits back home often. If she doesn't know the language of that country, she would have to learn. Knowing English would help though, it's spoken almost everywhere. It is widely spoken so chances are the wife might know some english or can learn it in a small period of time.
Careerwise, if the woman has had a good education she can find a career that suits her. Even though she won't have any extended family, she has her husband, she'll get to know other people around her. It's not so bad depending on the situation.
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I ask this question because when people throw around assertions as to whether arranged marriages are better or worse, I always feel the situation must be recognized in it's context.

I think this forum is great because there are people writing from all over the world. But i think few, living in Islamic countries, understand the challenges of integrating into a Western culture. I know of Anis's friends, there are 3 couples, who started out arranged marriage in Sudan, and came to Canada together. 2 of them have children, all three couples spilt up within their first year of arriving in Canada.I have also heard of a number of Somali couples that this has happened to. I guess I just feel there is an absence of recognition of the huge mitigating role of culture in regards to acceptable behaviour.

In Canada, having 2 wives is not acceptable. I have grown up my whole life with this as a fact. I know for many of you living in Malyasia or the Arabian peninsula (or wherever) Polygamy is a fact. As I have a hard time understanding conceptually your realities, I am sure you have difficulty understanding mine. We can leave it at that. Dialogue is good.

So when i say context, I think it is necessary to understand and anaylize the the risks and challenges of any union.

I know there is a part of me, that does not beleive their relationship can work out. Perhaps, that is why I asked the question. I am deeply hurt by this situation, and definitly it makes me wonder if it is possible to trust muslim men. I feel Anis is a weak man and i have no respect for him anymore. I feel that the way things have unfolded is a blessing in disguise.

ALSO, THANKS GLO. I appreciate your perspective and thanks for standing up to me.

As for all these rules in regards to one's behaviour in relation to getting to know potential partners. Frankly, within my context, I find it SO UNREALISTIC. I am a professional lady, living alone in a large city. My family lives many hours away. Alll my friends are Canadian, many artists and musicians, many are male. How exactly am I suppose to take this context and islamize it?? So I am suppose to end all my friendships with my male friends ( some have been friends for 15 years), I am suppose to never go out with my friends? I just can't really get my head around this!

Do people not see that Islam is much a culture as it is a religion. Even historically most groups who have converted, have retained many of their pre-islamic traditions. To change culture is something that takes time.
 
You are welcome, sister! :)

I don't have much time to write right now, but I hope you are doing okay!

Peace.
 
syilla said:
he is not worth it....

write down 100 -ve things about him... to try to forget about him
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:thumbs_up :sunny: i agree 100% ....sis i heard many stories like this and guess what im not surprised ...believe it or not u should move on..these girlfriend boyfriend things dont last ...they are all temperary..
 

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